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the curse of the number 3

2003-09-15 - 8:43 p.m.

I seem to be in one of my 'crazy moods' right now..so bear with me...

So i didn't take the anti-depressants..decided not to..i'd rather try every other option first before i go there.There's nothing wrong or bad about taking them i just think that right now they're not for me..maybe if i'm still the same a few weeks or months down the line..maybe then, but not right now.It's not like they would work instantly and right now is when i need them..hopefully once i get back to uni things might get a bit better..i'll have more structure to everything.I'm looking forward to going back to uni and dreading it at the same time.Looking forward to it because i seem to think that its going to fix things..that everything will go back to 'normal'..that the entire summer was some kind of anomaly,a technical hitch, a very long very bad dream.But then i realise that i have no idea what normal is, especially not without Levi.Normal is us rearranging our schedules around each other in the first week of term so that we can sneak up to each other's houses between lectures.Normal is us learning each others timetables, knowing which building the other is in at most times of the day..knowing where the other person will be having lunch or which floor of the library they're on.So what the hell is normal?Also this is final year..it means more work,harder work..which is fine, it was expected, anticipated..i always knew it was coming.But it also means final year..what is supposed to happen now is that i'm supposed to have a fair idea of what i'm up to,a fair knowledge of where i'm heading..some idea about jobs or further study..something.Instead i find myself with even less of a clue than i had when i started uni about every possible aspect of my entire life.hmmm, anyway...

I promised Levi today that i was going to fix myself, that i was going to get better.I also said however that i'm not exactly sure of what that entails or what the outcome of me 'getting better' is supposed to be..but that i will.I had an appointment with a kind of counciller at my own doctor's surgery arranged for this Friday morning but i cancelled it today.I would just be saying the same to him as i said to the other councillor..a 'getting to know you' session..in which case i wouldn't really be moving forward at all but just covering everything again..going over it all and bringing it all back, instead of progressing or fixing anyhting..so i'll just wait until my next session with the original one and hope everything is ok until then.

I haven't seen Levi for over a week now...its weird..really weird.I talked to her on the phone last night for over an hour..talking about normal things in amongst all the me and her and us and feelings and thoughts.There's something that i came here to write about but she hasn't written about it yet and i think we've always kind of had an unwritten rule that you get to tell your own news before the other person writes about it,so i guess thats up to her to write about or not..i'm not bothered.I think we both use our diaries a bit as a way of saying things to each other without 'saying' them..we always have done but possibly even more so now...or as a way of not saying things..if its not there then we don't want to talk about it..i dont know.

We were talking today online about how we both annoy each other so much..or not annoy, but make each other feel bad without trying to..even trying not to..it just happens.She was asking why i did it.And i still can't explain which i know is completely unfair..you can't do something like this and not have an explanation..which is why i'm such amess as well..i feel like i'm completley not myself..that this summer has just gone past in one long blur...i don't feel like i've actually 'been' there at all at any point, or that i'm really here now..it's almost like watching someone else do everything.At the same time i've gone through so many intense emotions..if i wasn't 'there' then i wouldn't have felt anything right?I dunno..as i've probably written before i can feel 2 completely opposite things at the same time and not know if either of them is what i actually think or feel...until i just end up in a mess trying to figure out what the mess is about...which is endless and also pointless-so today i stopped..yeah i've still thought about things but as soon as i catch myself doing it..becoming upset..whatever i consciously switch off.I don't like doing it because in a way i know that it's unhealthy..that there is a reason for feeling these things..for having these thoughts and that sooner or later i'll have to work through them..but not today.I might be a mess again tomorrow but today..it's not fucking happening.i hope.I don't feel 'good'..i don't feel 'happy', i could probably still cry any minute..it's a kinda numbness, but i think i need that right now. Theres just some recent stuff that i can't think about..i'd go even more mad if i did.I figure as long as i don't start thinking about it, it might be ok..it won't really be real or something..and i have this dissertation to do so i can't affor to think, i'll probably still end up doing it but i'm trying not to.

Yeah i've also been thinking about my amazing sleeping phenomenon..about sleeping so much..any place any time..i have really good dreams when i sleep.Just dreaming about normal things,everyday stuff, going places, doing things..everything being normal in the sense of how it was before and it's great..it's like i fall asleep and go of to 'normal' world and when i wake up i'm happy,properly, for the first moment and then i realise that i was dreaming and it's so shit.Like really crap.so i sleep all the time..going away 'over the rainbow' and all that..not a very innovative theory, but still.

I've also realised that everything in my life seems to work on 3 year cycles..well since i started high school anyway, 3 good years,3 bad years,3 good years...you've guessed it i'm on schedule for 3 bad years...that cycle must be broken.Me and Levi were (i hate the fucking past tense) together for 3 years,3 months and 3 weeks.This is the year 2 thousand and THREE, my mum found out about us after 3 weeks and everything got messy... ok..all quite easily explained as coincidences i know..a lot of good things happen in 3s i'm sure..like 3 months in Canada..but then when it got to 3 months we had to come home..so that's a bad thing too.Anyway yeah..so i'm convinced that the number 3 is out to get me...

what a load of nonsense eh?

yup, i'll shut up now.

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