I met a girl the other day. A girl i used to know at primary school.I've seen her around since then,but we haven't really talked..not in at least 4 years anyway.

I met her at church.Ironic really.I knew straight away what our conversation would be about.And there she was, standing at the back of the church waiting for me to get out of my seat ..knowing i'd have to walk past her because she was right beside the door. It was a 6 o'clock service ,not the one i usually go to, and any other night i wouldn't have been on my own but i'd been at the library before and it was a nice night so i walked there.not knowing if my mum and sis would be there too.They were but just as i saw them they left. And then she caught me at the door and by the time we got outside i could just see them driving away.So that left us to walk home.

Great.

I like this girl,sometimes.

It's always been the same even when we were little. We either got on really well or were fighting with each other,even physically .I remember one great summer when we spent almost everyday together. We must have been about 11..we would go playing and 'exploring' in a big park near my house.That was a good summer.

Then we went to highschool and we kept in touch,on and off..a phonecall or christmas card now and then. She's the type of person who you sometimes don't know if you can trust. She would tell amazing lies at school,never harmful - but you got the feeling that she actually believed they were true.So you played along.She was always in charge-had to be,bossy, sometimes arrogant, sometimes annoying.

sometimes a friend,othertimes an enemy.

On Sunday i wasn't sure what she was going to be.

The last time i saw her was in the Polo.One night when i was slightly drunk. I didn't know for certain if she'd seen me but i was almost sure she had.Seen me, sitting there. Kissing Levi.She was looking right over.So i took it for granted that she knew.

I checked out who she was there with. Just a big group of gay guys...and she of course was in her element,centre of attention. So i just thought (excuse the term) fag hag. and resigned myslef to the fact that my sexuality would be known all over the place, if it wasn't already.Cos she has a big mouth.

So there she was.Caught me. At the back of church, of all places.

And she walked me out.

As we were on the way to my house she said in that fake uncertain voice that people have when they know they're going to ask something anyway

' i want to ask you something..oh i don't know if i should'..

i knew what was coming...i just carried on walking.

She said 'ok..i hope i don't regret this'..'are you, um, i heard that...'

(my mind thinking just say it ..go on, just ask, you know the answer anyway)

' are you gay now?'

My answer was...'i saw you in the Polo'..saving me from saying it..from saying yes...or i am...

she knew that meant yes, although she said she hadn't seen me.

Then she said.'.yeah um..so,well...kind of me too..you know.......'

And i was surprised and not at the same time. Surprised because I had never seriously thought that she was gay too. Not surprised because the minute i saw her i knew what she was going to tell me. She just looked as if, as if she was dying to tell someone.

She said only the guys i saw her with that night really know about it. She's being going out with girls since we were at highschool...and she got really caught up in the scene for a while. But her family don't know. And she's never really talked about it to anyone..i think she was meaning, no one that she's known for ages....and i think it made her feel good having told someone, having told me.

She asked me not to tell anyone.

I don't know if i like her knowing..but then apparently she heard from someone else anyway..so i s'pose everyone knows....so it doesn't matter.

I don't know if i like them all knowing...but it doesn't matter.because it's not like i can change it.

I remember once..when i'd only been going out with Levi for a little while.. and she said that she didn't want anyone else to know about us, because it was so special, and with every person that found out it seemed like a little of that was taken away.And it was true at the time. I mean i know now that i want everyone to know how much i love her...but sometimes..just sometimes i wish they didn't know. That it was just us again, in our own private little world. Sneaking first kisses here and there. When friends weren't looking...tentative touches....

That people didn't just feel free to catch me at the back of a church and ask me..

I know that the specialness isn't taken away from us by people knowing.It's just one more complication...someone else to tell other people.Someone else that my parents don't know knows about me.Another thing to feel guilty for.

Sometimes i feel good that they know. That we can have a cuddle and they don't say anything.That i can say 'my girlfriend' if i want and it's all right.

But other times..i don't know

It's like the closet's there and i've kinda stumbled out and tripped over a shoe lying at the bottom so that i'm half out on my knees in a dark room and don't really know what to do with myself now that I'm there.

I don't like the label...the big one that people.. not all people, but some people put on you that reads G_A_Y in big pink letters. I don't like being singled out like that. I'm one of those people who doesn't mind being in the limelight but sometimes just wants to fade into the background.

Even other gay friends do it. Infact more them the straight ones. Ones who are all out and proud. Mostly guys. Ask you questions just because you're gay...single you out about things...things like 'as a lesbian what do you think of...........?' Constantly pointing it out as an all-defining feature of your personality..when there are so many other parts of you, so many other things you can contribute and talk about and think.

And when there's a big group of people..most of them straight girls...who are already slightly uncomfortable around you at first..until they get to know you..as a person ..not just the ' this is kim..she's a lesbian' that they've heard about you..it's difficult to get to know them.

And what the out and proud gay guys don't realise is that a lot of the straight girls (not all, but some) like them..but that that doesn't mean they're completely accepting,at first, of gay girls too....and the guys don't seem to see that difference. Just like a guy might be perfectly comfortable with me...but if i introduce a gay male friend they might be less so...and that will change as they get to know them..but if the only conversation i ever have with him is around the subject of his being gay then it excludes the straight friend from having anything in common with us. Its a total construction of ourselves or them or both as 'other'.

I'm not saying that i want to hide it..or that i'm ashamed of it..i'm just saying that it's not all of me. It's not the only thing i am.

And before i get into trouble i'm not saying that the above behaviour is typical of all gay/straight males or all gay/straight females..i have a particular group of people i know in mind.

As the girl from the church said ' it's only a small thing, but sometimes you find that it's the only way you can define yourself,because that's how other people see you...so it becomes..you'

I was talking to Oz the other day...he said something..about teenage angst..that although we might not have liked it at the time..there was a certain ache for it now that it was over....all i can think of now is that he must have developed a hell lot faster than me...because i'm still right in the middle of it and i'm in my last year of being a 'teen'...and that's if it is all teenage angst anyway....is it not more likely to just be 'life', saying with a big smile ' Here it is,get used to it honey!'

I don't think i will....get used to it that is.

If you're one of those really proud people who likes it to define them then that's great..and i wish i could be like you.

but,

I don't want it to define me.

It's not a bad thing..it's just not all that i am.