Ok,I'm new to this so please forgive my incompetence and stupidity ...I'm hoping I'll learn as i go along.Actually i'm kinda hoping that about a lot of stuff right now.

I have an exam in 5 days,it's a film exam and even after 12 weeks of lectures i know nothing about anything..i think i might fail,badly.The thing is,you'd think,now that i know i need to cram like hell,i'd just do it...hmmmm,we'll see...

I'm not quite the film buff that everyone else on my course seems to be.Maybe that's why i haven't really made friends with any of them,or maybe they're all just like me,waiting to find someone to fit in with,naming a director here and there,trying to sound pretentious and arty,when really they just want to sit and watch a god damn film for what it is without having to think about how it fits into Marxist theory.

So that's my course.

I'm also learning all over again how to cope with my mother.After 17 years of almost perfect harmony and balance i have to go and mess things up by turning out to not be the perfect straight daughter she was looking for.About 10 months ago,or maybe even before that,i fell in love with the most amazing fantastic beautiful person,the clich�d click took place and *bang* i find myself in a gay realtionship..which is absoutley great for me and i'm going about with a huge smile on my face 24/7 until ...mother finds out.So it's a long story,but after threatening to out me several times,bannning me from seeing my girlfriend etc etc etc she finally seems to have come around to the idea,but I'm still getting used to her knowing.Funny little looks she gives me,not talking about guys(even though i'm bisexual...but i don't think she could get her head round that right now...so i haven't said)and since she's not fully over it yet,i'm still getting used to lying.

Lying about where I'm going,where I've been,who I've been with,for how long.The worst is over now i think.Back at the beginning i was lying every single day to practically everyone,and not sure if i was lying to myself as well.

The thing is,i hate lying and i hate the way my mind works.As soon as i find myself in a situation i need out of,i make something up,on the spot.I hate being able to do that.It's handy but sometimes i think i'd save myself the hassle if i just couldn't lie my way out of things.

There are certain people I'd never lie to though,like my girlfriend,i could never lie to her...it's just something i can't do,i don't think i could even if i wanted to,which is a good thing.

My lying torments me.I hate it.It's my worst feature.I hate having the feeling of guilt that goes with a lie and i hate the feeling of hapiness that i have when i know i've gotten away with something..but my worst fear.is being caught.So after learning how to lie so well i'm still trying to un- learn it,and THAT is harder than it sounds.

On top of this i'm still learning how to be gay.I know that's sounds stupid but it's true,but i think that's a whole other entry.