I'll admit it, I was right
2008-05-30 - 6:40 p.m.
After almost a year of not seeing said girl from last entry I actually bumped into her while I was walking home from work. Although knowing that I shouldn't probably see her again a couple of texts were exchanged and merely a few hours later she came over to my flat. In spite of thinking that I really didn't fancy her anymore she turns up and looks casually gorgeous- oh dear. It was actually really nice to see her. I could feel the change in myself since the last time I saw her- I was a lot more sure of myself, more confident and not so nervous about talking to her without having had a drink. It was good, we had a really great time and a really great conversation. Of course we did have a couple of drinks later and I forgot that I'd given a pint of blood to the blood donation people earlier in the day at work. 3 glasses of wine later and the pub is closing and we head back to mine- not even with the plan of her staying over really but I'm starting to feel the effects of the wine, even though 3 glasses is really not that much. Next thing I know I'm horrifically ill. Really really sick. Said girl is still there and looks after me. I feel incredibly attractive as I'm throwing up my guts. Nice .
She stays over and sleeps in my bed while I sleep on the couch where I have fallen in a heap with a bucket beside me. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Who could resist?!
Aaaanyway. Jump forward to Saturday. She comes over pretty late- she's been out drinking with friends and is clearly expecting something. I tell her that I don't think anything should happen between us. Yes we have a nice time together but further to what we had spoken about the last time we went out and what we had touched on when we out for a drink the other night- we're just incompatible. In spite of my having been sick due to drinking she is an actual bonafide alcoholic and I tell her that I'd be just the same as her ex if we were to start seeing each other- I'd be nagging her all the time about not drinking and we'd just get on each others nerves. She agrees that we're totally mismatched but thinks we should sleep together anyway. I decide, in my wisdom, that this is not a good idea. That I'd made a pact with myself not to get mixed up with anyone I didn't really really want to get mixed up with and I'm not that crazy about her. I've not had sex in a year- I haven't missed it that much so if I just keep the door closed,as it were, I can just go on merrily not missing it. I tell her I'm not sleeping with her. She doesn't take it so well and leaves. I feel good and justified and a little self righteous. I made the right decision.
2 minutes later my doorbell rings. It's her-she feels bad about leaving because I wouldn't sleep with her and asks if we can just chat or watch tv or whatever. I think we should go out for food despite it being after midnight and take her to the Chinese place that stays open until 2. We have a bit of a bizarre talk over dinner but it's still good. They don't take cards so she pays and I drag her to a cash machine afterwards to give her money for the taxi home. She won't take the money and I won't let her walk home. I think she's just angling to come back to mine and of course I let her come in to wait for a taxi after I make her take the money. The taxi doesn't show up- it's a Saturday night and they always take ages. So we sit up and talk and then lie down and talk- for hours and hours. We're still talking at 6 in the morning and laughing so much about who even knows what. I'm having such a great time and eventually drift off at about 7. Around 11 we wake up pretty close to each other and have a laugh at what a bizarre night it was. By this point I've had such a good time just talking to her that I decide what the hell and we end up spending all day in bed. Even though I know it was probably her plan all along (not to talk me into submission but you know what I mean) I feel good about it and think, well I have had a really good time with her, it appears that we do get on, I am as it turns out still attracted to her so why not?
Let's just say it's a very pleasant Sunday and if I've been entertaining thoughts about not being sexually attracted to women then those are very much being put to one side.I remember that she likes me to be in control and although I know that that will very quickly get boring- for today I don't mind one bit. I'm too busy just enjoying her, and as in everything, I like being a giver. That's compounded by the fact that when it's my turn to receive my own body is frustratingly crap at actually reaching the destination, so to speak. Her body is amazing and I'd so forgotten how good this is. As sad as it is just the human contact alone is lovely. Never mind naked and hot human contact.
We go out to eat some actual food at about 7.She doesn't smoke all day and has one glass of wine to my one G&T with dinner. This is probably her as sober as I've seen her and she's better this way than when she's drinking. Calmer. She stays the Sunday night as well.We part, just as the last time I saw her last year- at the underground with a kiss. She's leaving on Saturday to go on tour again- so this could almost be history repeating. I might not even see her before she goes. But that's ok.
Tuesday she calls and asks if she can take me out for dinner. An actual date? Well, this is new- we didn't do dates last year really.So Tuesday I go to meet her at a tapas place she likes, she picks lots of foods for us to try and again we have a really good time. She talks a bit about politics and religion and seems to know what she's talking about. A proper date with proper conversation? This isn't how I remember her from last year at all. Hmmm. We go for a drink with a couple of her friends and have a great laugh. On the way home we pass a straight couple and the guy is staring at us in a weird way- we're just holding hands nothing more. I point at him and say 'look straight people' . It takes him off guard and he gives a nervous laugh. I know I probably shouldn't have done it- he could have reacted badly but I couldn't help it and it makes her laugh.
Then she starts talking. Talking the same way that she did when I saw her last year. About her ex, about whether she's ready for a relationship, about how nice I am and how she doesn’t want to hurt me etc etc. I tell her that she's thinking about it too much and that it's a normal place to be after your first big break up- after any big breakup (she did get back together with her ex after the last time I saw her) She keeps talking which would be fine but I sense that she's trying to get some kind of reaction out of me- she keeps repeating that she doesn't want to hurt me- so I tell her not to, I also tell her that as far as I'm concerned we're just having some fun, I'm not really that attached to her, just enjoying it for the moment. I remind her that she goes away at the weekend anyway so she doesn't have to think about it so much- just let it be what it is. Then she turns it round and takes a different tact- saying that she thinks I don't know what I want etc.. I remain calm and rational- I know what she's doing- trying to create some drama. I tell her that I never claimed to know what I wanted, and remind her that we already discussed all of this only a couple of nights ago when I gave her all the reasons that it wasn't a good idea for us to see each other. I tell her that even with knowing those reasons I decided to give it a go because we both agreed that we weren't looking for anything serious so we could just have some fun with each other and not take it all so seriously. By the time we get back to mine she's still talking and I'm too tired of listening to be turned on. We sleep beside each other. I remember doing this the last time too.
In the morning we're both in a better mood and she's regretting all the talking she did last night. I tell her again that it's ok (when will she understand that I, as cold hearted as it sounds like this, don't care enough for her to be able to hurt me yet?! I don't voice this though) I go to work, she goes to her rehearsals. It's all good in a, messed- up- far- too -involved- already- but -perhaps- it's- just- a- lesbian- thing, way.
She's leaving on Saturday and I won't see her for over a month so I decide that it would be good to see her around my friends to see how she is around people. I'm starting to really remember that she is in fact a bit crazy and want to see if she'll try to make some kind of scene if we're in a big group. I know it's a test of sorts and it's probably wrong to do it but I'd rather know now before she goes away instead of waiting for her to come back only to find out that she is still actually mad and I've just wasted a month hanging around to see if anything will happen.
Friday night comes, I'm absolutely raging because I have to stay at work because of my dick-head self important boss being a complete prick and making me hang around for no reason. I've missed dinner with my mates, lost my deposit and am still in work at 7.I have to bring up all the props and kit with the runner because he has come up empty handed and doesn't even think to help. I then have to run about after his useless arse for another half hour, including having to go up to the bar with half a face of makeup on because he's too lazy to answer his one cell phone. I leave work and walk into town since the guys will still be at dinner and I need some time to calm down. I call my mum and while talking to her realise how angry I am which makes me almost cry and only vanity stops me. If I cry now I'll have bright blue streaks all down my face from my eyeliner. I get into town and eat a crap sandwich from a newsagents for dinner. Finally I meet the guys and we go for drinks. We're having a really good laugh and a while later she turns up, having brought the guy we know each other through. He stays for one and then heads off. She's acting strange already saying she's shy and she's not making any attempt to mix- and trying to stop me from talking to my mates as well. She's also being extremely attractive and it's nice to have a date for a change. None of the work folk have ever ever seen me with anyone and I've been getting tired of being the single one- holding people's jackets while the couples are up dancing. Someone asked me a while ago if I was actually gay since they'd never seen me with anyone, I didn't see the relevancy since there are many straight single people, but it hit home somewhere or other. So anyway, we have a bit of a kiss, I introduce her to some friends. She seems ok. We all get up to go to another bar.
On the way there she's telling me a story about her ex and I'm half listening. We're on the way to a bar where, a little while ago, I may have gotten up to sing with the band (they asked me to!) and then it turned out I didn't' t really know the words to the version they played . It was mortifying but we all had a good laugh about it and it's a bit of a legend now. Of course a few of my mates turn round and start asking me if I'm going to sing, taking the piss etc. I can see she's annoyed because her story has been interrupted. Here we go.
We get to the bar and she doesn't want to talk to my friends, or dance- even though the music there is amazing. Instead she wants to talk- about us- our relationship. I sit and listen, nodding. I'm understanding for a while even though we've been over all of this in our all of 3 dates in one week. Finally I tell her that I'm bored. That conversations like this happen when people have been together for ages or are thinking of breaking up, not 1 week in! She tells me that I can't treat people like that, that I'm being insensitive etc…then she tells me I'm too good for her…that she thinks about me all the time. She seems to be confused on the issue and I'm not looking for big discussions or relationship talks and I tell her so. She's grasping at straws, trying to make me react- in anger or hurt or affectionately and I'm just not up for playing her game. She doesn’t know what she wants and has already admitted that she sees her life like a big movie and she creates scenes for herself- I know that this is one of them. Where she gets to play the angry girlfriend, the confused teen, the jilted lover- whichever gets the best applause. She wants us to go home. I tell her that I'm out for a night with my mates, she knows that's the plan, I've had a really bad week at work and I need to let my hair down. She can either stay and be part of it or can feel free to go home. She starts on again- trying to get a reaction. She asks if I want her to leave and I say that if she's going to be like this then yes. I stand up to go outside and take her with me. She sees some of my work people having a smoke outside and starts to talk loudly at me. I stay calm and tell her that I'm going back inside to have fun with my friends and she's going to go home. She starts to say something and I walk away, going back inside. I know she expects me to come back out and apologise but I don't. Instead I dance with this guy I kind of know. There's nothing in it - just dancing and we have really good fun. They're playing jive music and it turns out this guy can dance! Someone asks us if we go to lessons- it's great and he's spinning me around and we're trying new moves. He spins me and there she is, standing there. I look at her, she looks at me and then she says it: 'I'm in love with you'. I look at her and say ' no, you're not. Go home' and turn back to the dancing. When I turn round again she is gone and I'm glad. What kind of a person sits outside for 45 minutes trying to come up with a way to get a reaction and thinks- I'll say I'm in love with her, then she'll have to do something! I know this all sounds cold- but there is absolutely no way that she meant it. I have a great time after she's gone, dancing for ages with this guy and then talking to another guy who wants me to go to dance lessons with him. I go home, alone, and am actually glad of it.
Every day I get a text apologising. Asking me to talk to her. I don't reply. A massive bouquet of flowers is delivered to my work. No card. I fantasize that they're really from someone else but the no card thing is just looking for another reaction.
So it's Saturday and she's stopped texting finally.I'm glad, it's given me a good story to tell but jeez it's like being in some crazy fast forward relationship over the space of a week. It's had all the elements from resistance to ilness to friends to great sex,to crazy relationship talk, to arguing, apologies and now not speaking- in the space of WEEK! I'd be bloody knackered, not to mention so pissed off if I were actually going to go out with her. Which is never going to happen mainly because of the reasons above and the fact that she's CRAZY! She even saw Felix when she was out one night having a drink and decided it would be good to introduce herself and then proceed to tell her all the stuff she knew about her...CRAZY.
So yeah as it turns out my last entry was right, it wasn't a good idea to meet her for a drink- but at least now I know and won't be tempted to wonder what would have happened if….
What has happened is that it gave me a little taste of being with someone and I liked it- which is annoying since I was doing just fine on my own. Then again on the other hand it's made me think- who can be bothered with all the madness?!
One question I've had for a while though is where are the normal people? Maybe I'm just being to narrow in my outlook- normal attractive funny lesbian- maybe it's too small a minority?! That's probably why I've been thinking I could be attracted to men- there are just so many more of them and it's easier to tell when they're interested. It's probably naïve to say it but from my perspective they're just easier, generally. I'm sure that's just to begin with, I imagine it gets just as complicated.. at some point. Pfft. One thing it has succeeded in doing is 'gaying me up' a bit though- I was starting to think maybe I just wasn't that into women anymore and not just because men are easier, but I definitely am..still into women that is. Just not the fucking crazy ones as it turns out. So it's back to the L word box sets for me. I've even just spent twenty five of my shiny pounds and purchased series 3 to complete my collection so I guess I'll have that to look forward to.
A couple of my mates have looked at it from the perspective of 'well at least you got some sex!' and that's all very well and good but like I say, I wasn't really missing it that much anyway so the actual having of the sex was not the main point. If that had been the point I would have slept with her the first night she came over. Or with at least one other person in the past year- but it's just not the point. As I've said before I'm a hopeless romantic and it’s all about the setting and the chase for me. Eg there's a guy at work who has made it very obvious that he's interested in me. We had a bit of a flirt ages and ages ago- before I knew he had a girlfriend- who I have ended up working and being really good friends with! He still does the flirting thing though- which is just wrong in so many ways but despite myself I kind of enjoy it cos it has a hint of that chase that I'm looking for. He knows I date (or attempt to date) girls, that I'm not interested especially since I'm friends with his girlfriend etc etc. But if he was single maybe I would flirt with him a bit more- see what happened. Or maybe I'm just so starved of actual real people to be interested in that this is what it's come to?! Who knows?!! I also think that mine and Levi's relationship has ruined me in a lot of ways. The way we got together- the romance and forbideness of it all- that's what I associate with all the excitement of a new relationship and let's face it- nothing is going to be the same as that so it's just stupid.
So anyway, if anyone knows of a normal, attractive, funny lesbian who doesn't want to bring the u-haul (and all the baggage) on the second date let me know. I keep thinking it's going to happen…any time now..any day.
Bloody hell. It's just all madness.