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All about M

2009-11-10 - 6:45 p.m.


So since the last time I wrote there have been some changes. M and I split up on Friday 30th October. He had been away filming for a couple of weeks and had been really bad about keeping in touch. IT just felt like he wasn't thinking about me at all and I guess he wasn't. Major problem was when he had a whole weekend off on his own in Exeter and didn't contact me at all until the Sunday night. I don't expect a phone call every night or anything, but I do expect some kind of un-prompted contacted at some point, and especially if I have sent a text on the Friday night saying how nice it would be to talk to him.. There had been a couple of niggly problems before he went away as well. The fact that we never go out just the 2 of us but he'll make the effort if it's a work thing, the way that if we were both at a work thing together then he spoke to me less than he would take to other colleagues. The fact that all he does is work all the time and then is too tired to do anything else so when we were together he'd just want to fall asleep. I just slotted nicely into his plans but on the few occasions that I asked him to come out with me and my mates he couldn't make it. Sometimes for good reasons other times just because he was tired�from work.

I understand that he's really ambitious and a hard worker and that's one of the things that I really like about him. He has a good work ethic.
Anyway. At the end of the day he wasn't sure that he could give me the 'level of commitment' that I'm looking for�We talked about it the Friday night he got back..when we really shouldn't have. He was exhausted from the filming days (and yet had still gone on a work night out that night..i didn't go and went to drink with the girls instead) We were just supposed to sleep on the Friday night and then talk on the Saturday. But I was mad and he wasn't making it any better by having forgotten plans that we'd made for the weekend and making alternative plans..that didn't really involve me. It was all over in about 10 minutes of having arrived at my flat. He started on the ' you're such an amazing person..' and I thought right- I recognise these words. I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He said he didn't know. I told him he had no right to. I was really trying and he just wasn't at all..but I guess that speaks volumes really. And that's when he said he didn't know if he could give me the level of commitment I was looking for..I said that I guessed that answered the question then. He got his jacket and I closed the door on him. I cried on my bed. Called the girls, told them I was coming back to the flat, got a taxi and went. They met me at the door with wine and hugs. I got very drunk and stayed there that night.

Saturday I went to see my mum and sat with her for a few hours, looking miserable. My poor mum having to put up with me and another break up. Ells (who has been amazing this year- the girl I went to Paris and Rome with and who was on the shoot with me and M when we got together etc) who's flat I'd been at the night before was determined that we were still going to the halloween party that night so I went round to mine around 7 and she came over and we drank a whole lot of vodka and changed into our costumes. Then went to the party and consumed a whole lot more vodka. I almost managed the whole night without crying and only cried on my way home at 2 in the morning after arguing with Boy 1 who was also at the party. I wasn't crying about him though. I called M..he didn't answer. Just as well.

I got home and was enitrely sick the whole night from drinking. I was rankly hungover on the Sunday. Ells came over and we dragged ourselves out for fish and chips at around 5 but I couldn't even manage half of mine. We looked truly disgustingly hungover.

Monday back at work and obvioulsy had to see M since we still work in the same space. It was funny, everything was fine, we talked the same amount as usual. No one even knew that anything was wrong. I was tearful throughout the day though and had to keep disappearing to the toilets to talk to myself in the mirror like a big loser. I went to mum and dad's that night for the company. M sent a text to say how good I looked in the photos from Saturday night which had already gone up on facebook. It confused me. We had a few texts back and forward.

Tuesday was much the same at work. We talked a bit on messenger. He was feeling depressed and terrible and missed me. I missed him. Both of us confused. We talked on the phone that night and I told him the ball was in his court. He said that he didn't know if anything would change if we got back together, that he wasn't sure he could change. That work would always come first. And that he didn't want to hold on to me for another 6 months only to tell me that he still felt the same way. All good points. All things I understand so well. All things I've felt and said.

Wednesday I called in sick. I'd had this cold coming on for 3 weeks, I'd had no sleep the night before, I woke up with a nosebleed. That was enough for me. M text to say ' please come into work so I can tell you my news' I told him I wasn't coming in and he text back to say he'd had an offer accepted for the flat he currently rents and wants to buy. I called him to say congratulations and suddenly wished I'd made it in to work just to give him a hug and share his good mood. He said he would come over and make me lunch later since I wasn't well. He was leaving work at 12.30. I was really happy. I got up and tidied the flat a bit so he wouldn't know how much of a mess I'd been. I made sure I looked ok, even in my illness. 2 p.m and I still hadn't heard anything. Eventually he text to ask if I wanted him to pick anything up for me. I said nothing in particular. He said he'd have to come and get his spare keys for his friend who was staying but that he could leave me alone if I wanted. I said that I thought he was supposed to make me lunch..? He called straight away to say that he thought I was supposed to call him about that..big misunderstanding etc.. He would come round straight away. He came over for about an hour but had to spend a lot of it on work calls. We sat there kind of chatting kind of not for a while. I asked him why he'd come round. He said he missed hanging out with me. We cuddled up on the couch for a bit and then it was time for him to go. As he was leaving he gave me a big hug and we had a kiss on the lips..not a long one but nonetheless. He was going away filming again on the Thursday and said ' See you on ..Monday?' and I must have given him a look because he shook his head and said ' god, I'm so bad at this' and I told him he wasn't and he came back and we had a long cuddle. He said he wished he didn't have to go and I told him not to, knowing fine well that it wasn't an option. He held me for a bit longer and then left.
I felt rubbish and happier at the same time.
He text that night to say that seeing me had been ' nice/ odd' and I'd said yes ' odd but..good?'and he said yes but now he was even more confused.

At this point I should say..i know it seems strange that I wanted him back. After everything I said in the first paragraph about how rubbish he'd been. There's still something about him. He could be so good. If he could just try.. Anyway.

Thursday night he sent a couple of texts- which was more than he'd done when he'd been away filming before. Friday night he was back home and text to see how I was feeling. He was drinking red wine so that he could sleep when he went to bed. I replied with something that had the word bed in it as well. He responded by saying he missed my warm bed. I didn't text back. I didn't know what to say. I missed having him there.

We had a couple of texts on Saturday. I was out with someone from work who he'd called and she said she was with me. Then he'd called Ells to see what her plans for the night were and she said she was seeing me�I already felt bad knowing that. I'd had some red wine in town with the friend from work and then ells came to mine and we drank some more..although I didn't really feel drunk. IN our texts we'd said that we'd talk later that night and ells knew that so she said I should probably call him and that she was going to go soon anyway. So I called and we talked for 15 minutes. He was saying that he'd totally crashed, he felt awful..there was something missing. He asked if I was still taking Monday off work and I said yes and told him that he should too and implied that we should spend it together. He'd been working himself into the ground. He'd made himself ill. All completely true. He said maybe he would take Monday off.

Ells left shortly after and M and I talked again on the phone. He asked what I was up to..drinking red wine. Same as he was in his flat. He said maybe he'd come over. I didn't tell him not to.

He arrived 25 minutes later. A bit drunk. A bit exhausted. A bit beardy. A bit gorgeous.

We sat on my couch and chatted about this and that. About the nature of our jobs. About us. About nothing. About how this is what we should have done the Friday before instead of being pissed off and tired and just saying goodbye to each other.

He held out his arms and I moved and snuggled into him and breathed him in. and he breathed me in and we just stayed like that for a while. Listening to music, in the soft candlelight. Eyes closed. Eventually he kissed me. I didn't kiss him first. I wanted it to be his decision. And he did and we did. And I'm not going to say that we made love. Because I know that he doesn't love me and I can't completely say that I love him- because he wouldn't let me love him so I had to put up walls. We started off in the living room. Moved through to the bedroom. Did everything once. And then started all over again straight away. Which had never actually hapenned before. I'd never see him like that. I couldn't give myself up to it completely though because there was something holding me back.

Afterwards he went into a sounds sleep and held me as he did so, again something he didn't usually do. I didn't sleep. I just lay there completely rested with my eyes closed but awake. Sometimes he would move away or roll over..but then would turn round again and put his arm out to find me and draw me back into him.

In the morning he opened his eyes and smiled at me, a big sleepy smile. And it was lovely. Lovely to have him back. And we kissed and laughed and had amazing sex again. And fell back asleep, him holding me again. And I didn't want to get up in case it was the last time. And I felt like it would be. But each time he pulled me into him or ran his hand down my back I thought..no it can't be otherwise this wouldn't be happening.

His dad called him to discuss mortgages and it sounded like a long important call. So I got up. Had a shower. Tidied the living room.Made some tea, took it through to the bedroom. When he finished his call we talked about the mortgage thing a bit. Lay beside each other for a while. Then he got up to have a shower.I told him that Ells was coming back to pick up her ipod- she'd left it the night before. I said that she knew he was there but would ask what was going on. He said he hadn't thought about that. I asked if he hadn't thought about her asking of if he hadn't thought about the question. He said he hadn't thought about the question.

Not a good sign.

Ells came over, picked up her ipod. He invited her to lunch with us..again..not a good sign. She didn't come. She knew better than that.

We went for lunch, ordered a salad for me..with a side of fries. He got a pizza but it was on 2 for 1 so he got one to take home. They brought them both to the table so we were sat there with 2 pizzas, a massive salad and some chips. Neither of us could eat and he could barely keep his eyes open. He really had crashed and burned.

After a while he said he guessed we should talk about things. I agreed, let him go first. He said all the things that he'd said before. That he didn't know if anything would change. That I'm an amazing girlfriend, amazing friend, amazing lover�but he didn't think he could offer me what I wanted. He thought the relationship should have been lighter and a bit of fun�I said I wanted it to be fun too and that's what I wanted us to do more stuff together..but by a bit of fun I think he was meaning not so many strings attached. He said he loved lots of things about me but at the end of the day didn't love me. And I sat there and understood every single thing he was saying. And wondered why I even wanted him back because at the end of the day it had been me saying that things weren't good enough and weren't right. And we don't bring out the best in each other. And we do just talk about work all the time. And really in terms of how much he works he's just me 3 years ago when I was at the same stage. ..but I could still make time for a relationship. And actually maybe we should always just have been friends. But he's so bloody cute, eventhough I didn't think that when I first met him. And eventhough I was sitting there, agreeing in my head with everything he was saying. I still had to go to the toilets and cry.

And when I went back to the table I made some silly joke about how he could go to work on Monday now since I'd only convinced him to take the day off so that he'd spend it with me. And as I said it I started to cry again and he held my hand and that made it better and worse at the same time.

He had to come back to mine to pick up his bike and we walked back in silence.

He came in and put the 2 pizzas into a bag to take home for later. Last time he'd left I'd been angry and he'd been fed up and there was no leaving scene. Just him hanging his head and me closing the door on him. This time he gave me a big hug and squeezed me tight and I tried not to cry. And then he got his bike and went to leave and hugged me again at the door and I cried and he told me not to and his voice broke a little. He pushed his bike in to the hall and I watched him leave and had to turn to the wall behind my door. He came back in and put his arms around me and said he was sorry and it reminded me so much of the time I left Levi in her room crying. I composed myself and made a joke and he said ' you are so cool' and I said ' yup and you're not good enough for me'. He said' I think that's true' and I said ' don't worry I know it is'. He went back out into the hall to get his bike and said to call him later if I wanted. I said I didn't think it was a good idea. He agreed and said 'see you later then' and then he was gone.

I cried. I cried a lot. And then I stopped and called my mum, who thought I was calling to say we'd gotten back together. She was shocked at what had happened. She thought that all signs pointed towards him wanting me back. So did i.

I called Ells. Told her it was over. We talked for a while and agreed it was for the best and now I didn't have to wonder anymore and could move on.

I sat in the flat unable to think of what to do. And then I put my boots and jacket on and walked. I didn't really know where I was going but I ended up at my mum's. I cried a bit. And then I didn't and then I did. We talked about it. My dad came home and gave some kind of dad advice- onwards and upwards etc. Not really getting the situation but trying.

I decided to go home that night. My mum told me to stay but in a way I wanted to be in my own room. In my own bed. Even knowing that the sheets would smell of him. I wanted that. I was glad I'd tidied everything in the morning, less reminders. Mum told me to go home and cry and that's what I intended to do. But when I got there I just looked around. And didn't cry. Didn't cry at all.

I got in to bed and breathed in the scent of him and it was ok. And I slept like a baby for the first time in weeks.

Yesterday I took the day off and thought what a waste it was that he had finally taken a day off too and we couldn't spend it together. But I kept myself busy. Went for a massage. Thought I was going to cry but didn't. Went to see mum and dad. Went to buy an artificial christmas tree for the flat. Went round to Ells'. M was there, had been at the gym round the corner and popped in for tea. She'd warned me. I could tell he didn't know what to expect. I thought that this time maybe we really shouldn't talk to each other for a while but when I saw him I couldn't do it and was just normal me and made a joke which made him laugh for ages. He only stayed for 10 minutes and then went home and squeezed my shoulder on the way out.

Today I had fully intended on trying to keep my distance. But he was asking about mortgage stuff and I like talking to him and want to help him and think we could be really good friends. But isn't that how it always goes? And doesn't it always hurt when the other person moves on and I end up alone and giving them relationship advice?

And doesn't he still look gorgeous?

And I haven't cried today. And i know that this is right. And that we just can't work together. But i can hear him coughing and i just want to take him home and look after him.

And i know that he misses me. So why can't we just make it work.

I guess i just don't want to be on my own again.


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