So I'm sitting in my flat in my dressing gown at half 6 on my last day off work. Tomorrow I start on brand new programme in a new department with new people and a new desk etc. I'm sure it'll be good I should be excited. Maybe I will be tomorrow but at the moment I just can't be arsed.� I really miss M. He gets back next Monday so it's not like he's away forever but I just feel like I got so close to him over the last few days and there are so many things that I'd like to talk to him about right now. It was so great to be at his mum and dads with him and the in Paris. Way too short but lovely. Although I'm worried that the closeness has something to do with theidrugs. Although I don't think it is.. But I guess that's what I've come here to talk to myself about.�
Ok. So the drugs- sold online as 'plant food' otherwise known as mephedrone. M has taken it before - last time he was in Paris with his brother and mates. It's a legal high. M has taken not so legal stuff before mostly when he lived in south/ central America so you can imagine what was available there. He doesn't take anything anymore- recreationally or otherwise- doesn't even smoke a joint as it doesn't agree with him. But he tried this stuff in June and liked it. He hasn't taken it since. I feel like Im trying to justify this when there's really no need to but I guess that my point is that he isn't a regular drug user. Anyway I knew that this stuff would be floating about over new year if I went to Paris with him. I knew that I was curious about it. T- his brother and R- t's girlfriend, had bought some and split it with M. I should start earlier in the day really.� New years eve: � Me and M had been for a walk round the sacre coeur and for a nice lunch and some wine. We were having a lovely time just talking and being together. We went to r's flat, hung out, had a beer, made plans for the night. R split the plant food between 2 bags, gave one to T and one to M. We all went back to the flat that me and m were staying at so that we could get changed. M took a little of the plant food. He didn't seem that different to me just happy but he'd been happy all day anyway so it was all just the same really. At that point I wasn't really sure how I felt about taking any yet but I was definitely thinking about it. Anyway we went to a bar where t and r's mates work and were given free pitchers of beer. We ended up getting free drinks all night which was pretty awesome.� There was a big group of us by 11 and I was getting on really well with everyone and having a great time. There was no real noticeable difference with m except that he was talking more freely, like he does when he's drunk or after sex. �Anyway he asked me if I wanted to try some but made it very clear that it was totally up to me. I didn't feel like there was any pressure involved. I said yes. He wrapped a little in a rizla and we went outside for a cigarette. He said to put it in my mouth and let it swirl about a bit. So I did. It tasted funny. I didn't feel any different. We stayed outside and chatted for a while. He told me that he loved kissing me in places we'd never been together before- it made him feel like we'd just met and really turned him on. We kissed and went back inside for midnight. As the clock struck 12 we cheered and kissed and sang auld lang syne. It was the first time that i've kissed someone at the stroke of midnight. It was lovely and I told him so and we took some photos of us together. A while passed I wasn't feeling any effects so I had a little more but still nothing. I was conscious of trying to feel if I felt different. I was up dancing with r and t but was thinking that I would have been doing that anyway, I love dancing and honestly didn't feel anything more than I usually feel after a few drinks when I'm having a good time. Maybe it did have a little effect and I just couldn't tell who knows. I do know that I wanted m to come and dance but he was talking and I was happy enough to dance with r for a while. I went to talk to him at about 20 to 1 and he'd decided to get the single guy together with the single girl who was there in time for UK new year at 1 am French time. We already knew that they separately liked each other. I guess that, feeling 'full of love' as he was, M wanted everyone to feel the same and be happy. �He took the guy away to take some plant food and talk to him about it, I talked to her while the guys were away. �They came back at 10 to and by the time we were singing auld Lang syne again they were kissing. We were happy with ourselves.� A few minutes later r had decided to take some and was going to the toilets. I went with her since it's acceptable for girls to go to the toilets together anyway. The toilets in our bar were shut and we had to go to an empty place 2 doors down. R asked if I usually did things like this and I told her it was my first time. She asked if I was sure I wanted to and I said yes. So she told me what to expect, cut 2 lines and rolled a 20 euro note. She went first and told me it would sting a little. I went for it simultaneously telling myself that it was fine since it's legal but also asking myself how this was amy different from coke. It didn't matter. A minute later I felt amazing. Everything felt really clear and... zingy. R and I went outside to head back along to our bar and got chatting a little, or a lot, outside. it's true that it makes you feel closer to people and you want to tell them things. I got it. T called r to find out where we were- we'd been gone a while. We were just heading back when A, the girl we'd fixed up, came to find the toilets and the 3 of us went together. And took some more. I dont really remember getting back to our bar. I remember feeling great and r asking me if I wanted to go and tell m how much I loved him. I remember not answering since we've never said that we love each other before. I remember saying I didn't feel great anymore and I think r said ' lets go find your boy' and took my hand. � I think we went to find m and r gave my hand to him and he held it tight and took me outside. He held me and said to talk to him. The conversation went something like this ' did you take some?' 'yes' ' and you liked it?' 'yes' 'so you took some more..' 'yes' 'ok, what's hapenning?' 'everythings moving really fast' ' ok that shouldn't be hapenning. Is it spinning?' ' no just moving really fast' 'ok. Breathe. Breathe. Through your mouth. Look at me. Slow your heart down. It's ok. I'm here. What's hapenning now?' 'it's slowing down. It's ok.' And it was. It stopped just like that. The world had been jumpcutting. Not swirling like when you're drunk but horizontal sections moving at different speeds. It was scary. My heart was going really fast. But at the same time. I felt so perfectly safe. It's really hard to explain. I just held on to him and felt his arms around me so tightly.I listened to his voice and it was so calming. I guess it felt a bit like being a kid where you're relying on someone else to make sure you're ok and all of your trust is in that person. And I realised that I could really really trust him. I'd been worried previously that, if something went wrong, he wouldn't be able to handle it. But he really did. And I know that this sounds weird and drug induced, probably cos it was, but I felt so close to him. And it makes me a bit sad because I've felt like that about him before but never allowed myself to properly feel it. And right then and for the whole night after and even right now -I properly feel it. And I want to tell him. And he's not here and even if he was I still couldn't tell him anyway.� The rest of the night was really good. We met all sorts of people, went on to a different bar, didn't get home until almost 7 in the morning and slept like a baby. There was no possibility of sex though, not after a long night like that. He said so in the morning and I said that it was ok, he should just hold me. And so he did and it was lovely and I didn't want to ever leave him.� I don't regret taking it, the only thing I regret is not going back to the bar after the first lot. I just wish I'd gone to find him while I'd been feeling amazing and had the same kind of talk with him as I'd had with r instead of only going back when i was feeling messed up. But it passed and it was a great night after that and I'm�really�really�glad�that�I�went.��But it makes me a bit sad that I know that I've felt just as loved up without taking anything, either drugs or alcohol, and I wonder if he's ever felt like that ever in his life. And I wish he could always be as open as he was that night. And I don't like it that I liked him even more when he was on something. But then during the day he had actually been equally as open so maybe I'm just not giving him as much credit as he deserves.�
I've also been obsessing a bit over what hapenned that night. How I felt and when. Things he said and did. And I guess I need to tell myself that that's the whole point of drugs. They make things different so don't place importance on it. It was a great new year. It's not something you need to do again in order to relive it. You essentially feel the same about him now as you did before it's just that now �it's harder to put it away again.� I had thought somewhere in the back of my mind that he might, possibly, maybe tell me that he loves me what with it being new year and everything. And I could probably have gotten something like that out of him if I'd wanted to. But I was always aware that I didn't want the first time to be for any other reason other than him actually meaning it. And if he'd said it I would have wondered if it was just the drugs.� I wonder if he'll ever say it.�
He text when he arrived in the alps to say he missed me. And yesterday to say he was having a lovely time but wishes I was with him. I really wish I was too.
