Take 1
Classics
Autographs

Heroine

Director's Notes
Fan Mail
Sponsor

All change

2002-05-29 - 12:14 a.m.

Firstly i would just like to say that i have the most amazingly..well,amazing girl as my girfriend.What she is doing and has done in the last couple of days is so so brave.The way she is coping with it all is amazing ,i know i keep using that word but it's the only one that fits.I'm amazed by her.I mean the way everything has happened,the timing..right in the middle of exams,and the speed that it has all moved at. I mean there is now a totally new person in her life..a new family even, that didn't properly,concretely exist until Sunday. This woman who she has never really met and yet is so important. I don't know if i could deal with so much going on at once,definitley not in the way that she has.

I'm so happy for her that it's all working out as well.And i know she's happy too...which makes me happy :)

I honestly can't believe all that has gone on in her life in the last few days.And i'm also so annoyed with myself for having an exam this morning...i couldn't go out to see her last night.I SO wanted to..just to be with her,cos i hadn't seen her since everything had happened.I mean i was online with her and things..but it's not the same..as being there with someone to give them a hug if they need it or whatever.

She called me last night as well..when she was 'slightly' drunk..out with her best friend..i wanted to be there..to get drunk with her..you know? I mean it was after an exam and it was also kinda drinking cos its one of those occassions,that can only ever happen once.And i had to have a stupid exam.

Things are kinda strange just now between us aswell...we were just talking about this a little online.I think it's because this is something that we can't share..not in the same way that we share other things. I mean,usually we tell each other everything..almost no matter what it is..all information is shared. But with this.This is her's and it's special. And it has to be her's, because that's the way it should be. I'm not saying that it should be any different. I think we just don't know what to say to each other about it..because it's so different from anything else we've been through..either seperatley or together.

I don't really know what to do with myself either.I want to give her space but be there for her at the same time, and to be quite honest i don't really know what i'm doing.All of this afterall really has nothing to do with me so i don't know what to ask or say a lot of the time. I don't want to ask too much because i know that there is a lot of stuff that she needs to keep to herself, keep private and special, because that's how it is. But then today she said that i hadn't really asked any questions..whereas the best friend was full of things to ask and say about it all last night..so it confused me. And then when i tried to think of questions to ask i couldn't really think of anything to say. She's told me quite a lot already, more than i really have the right to know i think...so i don't feel like i should ask anything else...and i don't know if i want to...becasue i really don't know what she's going through and i don't think i can ever really understand it...

I think another thing that is throwing me aswell is how emotionally different we are. I mean i haven't been there when she's been talking to her mother so i don't really know how it has been...but i know that if it were me in the same situation i would be in a constant flood of tears...sad tears happy tears,overwhelmed tears..whatever. I mean,I can hardly even think about everything that has gone on for her without feeling tears in my eyes..and it's not even happenening to me!...but i can't read her emotions properly, not this time...i don't know what she's thinking or feeling and i think that scares me...cos i don't know wether she needs a cuddle or needs just to think or be on her own....

And i'm so terrible at putting things into words,like actually saying things..i'm always scared that its gonna sound wrong or too sappy or just not appropriate,in fact i think i'm completely crap at explaining even remotley emotional things in face to face situations..and all i really want to say to her is that I'm here if she needs me..for whatever she needs me for.

This is her time,it's special and i understand that..if she needs space or time all she has to do is let me know..but at the same time if she needs anything at all..someone to talk to,a cuddle..someone to call in the middle of the night or someone just to sit and say nothing with..then i'm here.

I know she'll tell me that she knows all of that already,but i think maybe i just had to remind her..that although this is something we can't share this time round,i'm still here, Ialways will be.

I love you Levi, and i am so so proud of you.

Cut - Action