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answers on a postcard...

2003-12-16 - 11:25 p.m.

So..in the middle of writing an essay which has to be in for tomorrow...so i guess i should really be getting on with that.but i thought i'd stop by and take a week break. Which is basically what i've been doing all day...taking wee breaks that is!..erm..anyway...

So Levi turned up at my house at 1.30 a.m. the other night....very very very very drunk.It was at first annoying...then worrying..then funny..then worrying and then annoying again. I don't really know what to say about it now..but at the time it was weird. I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't want to upset her more than she was upset already..but i didn't want to look after her too much either..we both rely on each other too much to look after the other..It was slightly embarassing also, as she kept my mum awake and couldn't stop falling over the whole time. At one point i was seriously worried that she'd split her head open on the towel rack in the bathroom..but she hadn't. I bet she has an almighty few bruises though. I want to be really annoyed with her..and i am in a way..but it hasnt stopped us from talking online and seeing each other the other day..ugh..I just don't know what to do anymore.

She was talking about getting back together and then talking about it not being a good idea...but then trying to kiss me and stuff.I don't know how i felt about it at all. We were talking about this online the other night though..that when one of us is in a mess or talking about getting back together we can just kinda switch off and talk the other person out of it. Like when i was a bit messed up about it all last week there she was telling me that it was just a lapse and that i was being silly...then the other night there i was being all switched off from it and just telling her it was the drink speaking. I don't know, maybe its a good thing..or maybe we're just on completley different wave lengths all the time...who knows? Not me. I don't know what to say about the whole thing anymore.

One thing that i did find out from her being drunk though is that she slept with the ex-reader chick. Which i must say i found totally surprising and kinda shocking and a bit disappointing...and a bit weird..that i now know about it.It was just so strange to hear her say it..and i don't think my brain has really understood how to take information like that in yet. What i really didnt need to know is that it happened in Levi's house, in her room, in her bed. It was always so much of a big deal for me to stay over at hers..either because of my parents or because it would be embarassing with her folks in the morning. And there is this chick, who she's known in person for barely 4 months..3 at the time,and she gets to stay over. I guess you just dont want to hear about someone you spent so long with sleeping with someone else in a space that you had claimed as your own and that you spent most of your happiest times together in.And like everything of this nature it makes me feel ill and a thousand things and nothing all at once.

Hmm

Its her 21st birthday tomorrow too..so all go and say happy birthday!..this is another thing that is freaking me out slightly too though. I mean..it is so far from how i'd always imagined it to be...i'll see her tomorrow night with everyone there...and its so weird for it to be her birthday and for us not to be together..especially on her 21st. This is something that i've thought about since i started thinking we might be breaking up..about how weird this week of the year would be..well the next 2 weeks i suppose..with her birthday and chirstmas and new year..It's always been a great and difficult time of year...with uni work having to be wrapped up,sometimes exams..christmas shopping having to be done, having to fit us in around family and work and other necessary christmas stuff...but this year..i don't have the work..and family wouldn't have been so much of a problem..but there isn't an us either...

Its all just really weird and i'm still wondering if its a good idea to go to her night out...or if i or her or both of us will just end up in tears at some point. My mum hasn't really said anyhting to me about it but i know she doesn't think its a good idea for me to go.She might be right..but i've said i'm going now..

Also i dont think her present is going to arrive on time..which is just so shit..this is not the way any of this should have been at all.

I'm also a bit worried about all her friends being there..friends don't like ex's... its just the way it is.And who knows what Levi might have said to them while she's been drunk..she has a tendency to say many many things..a lot of them being how she really feels and some of them being exaggerated versions of things that other people have said or done..and then she can't remember having said them...Also the two of us kind of know whats going on with us in a way..that we're both confused and messing each other around and things...but we know that..its established..and she knows about all my problems and all the stuff going on in my head..wheras all her friends don't know these things...and so it'll look like i'm just totally messing her around if i appear too friendly or too distant..i know that other people shouldnt really matter...i mean when have they before?! I just don't want other people's opinions getting in the way of whatever it is thats happening with us right now..things are confusing enough as it is.

Shes also been asking if she gets a happy birthday kiss...I told her that we shouldnt think about things like that..its a bad idea to plan for things to happen or not happen.Exactly how bad and being a messing around ex would i seem to her friends then though if that happened?..but a person has a right to pull someone on their birthday right and i dont want to get in the way of that happening with anyone else either.If i'm there and she does see someone she likes..i'll be holding her back...

Ex-reader chick also gets back at the end of this week..and i dont want to mess up things with that relationship either.Sometimes i really honestly think it would be better if i were just out of the picture.

no one, including me, can understand whatever the game we seem to be playing here is..there appear to be no rules...but so so many at the same time.

Is this the way things like this always happen?

answers on a postcard...

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