well i went to the doctors yesterday.explained the same things to a different person...i'm getting tired of trying to explain.Maybe thats a good thing,maybe i'll explain myself out of this mess.

He didnt give me antidepressants,not yesterday anyway. I've to go back on tuesday..think about it, see how i feel.

Honestly i don't know how i feel.There's a huge part of me that is saying just to pull myself together..get over this, whatever it is.. probably mostly breaking up with Levi on top of everything else.The problem is that i don't know whether everything else made me break up with her..or if breaking up with her has just made everything else seem so much worse..so pointless.God, can you imagine if she had broken up with me..what kind of mess i'd be in then...or maybe it would have been easier that way...I don't know.

When we first got together she told me that if we ever broke up, I'd never get over her.It's true. I don't think i ever will.Theres something about her...i don't think anyone she's ever gone out with more than once has gotten over her.Not the last ex, or the one before him..eventhough he's married now he still keeps in contact...

I don't want to get over her...i don't want it to really be over...mostly the problem is that i don't understand how something so good can ever be over.And how i could be the one to end it.What we have..and in a way,still have, is so special..if I can decide that something that amazing,that..i'll say it again, thatspecial can be over...then what is the point in anything?How can i ever feel like that again, about her or anyone else and trust that its not just going to...go away?

Then theres this whole sex drive thing...i don't have one.Its as simple as that.sometimes i think that if that was fixed then other things would be fixed too...and the antidepressants aren't going to fix that..they'll only make it worse.

IN a way i've gotten so used to feeling like this that it's become a kind of comfort...don't get me wrong, I don't like it or anything...it just means that i'm still feeling..and in some ways i've become..scared.Of not needing support..of not needing people...that the antidepressants would dull how i feel, and I'd lose the closeness i have with people right now...with my mum...with Levi.I'm scared of being..alone.and i know that i won't be, that they'll still be there and that i will still need them,always.I can't explain it..I go through periods just now of really wanting people to be with me..and then sometimes really, strongly, wanting them not to be there.And i hate the feeling of wanting them to not be there...sometimes i think there's something really properly wrong with me.How i can think two such different things within such a short space of time...like somtimes i think that me and Levi would be better off if we just left each other alone..to get on with things and not have to worry about how the other will feel about things..like her and the 'fish'..if i wasn't hanging around the whole time then she'd have done something and she would probably feel a whole lot better. I don't want to end up like her last ex..if she starts going out with soneone else i mean.Always calling or texting..interrupting things..and having the other person getting annoyed and jealous or whatever and i know i'm thinking too far ahead here..but thats another problem..i can't help it..always thinking too far ahead.

Other times i feel really strongly that we should get back together...that if i could get over this sex drive thing then where would the problem be?I've given so many reasons for us not being together anymore..but sometimes i can't justify a single one of them to myself.

And the kissing thing...why don't i want to kiss her sometimes?...sometimes its not even that i dont want to..it's that i cant and this is where i wonder what the hell is wrong with me..why can't i kiss her..why the fuck is all this happening and where did it start?i just don't understand..at all..i don't understand anything.

Why do i need her so badly?Why, if i need her so much,if i love her so much..why don't i want to be with her?And this must all be so confusing for her as well...i tell her i don't want to be with her..i tell her we should leave each other alone for a while, and then i can't even leave her alone for more than a day without having to talk to her or see her.Is it just force of habit?or is it something else, something more?

And then theres this dissertation...my advisor has said that i can get an extension if i need one.Which is good.and at the same time not.I mean i don't see how i'm going to get this finished..and well enough for a good mark within just over 2 weeks.I also don't want it hanging over into term work..and then how do i explain to other people that it's not finshed and that i got an extension..even those who know about me and Levi breaking up would think i was stupid for not even being able to finish it on time..because thats all they know about,they don't know about the other problems..and i don't want to tell them..one of them already probably thinks i'm mad becasue i asked if the antidepressants she's on were working and what she thought of them.As far as she knows i'm going on the things and the reason is breaking up with Levi..which is a huge thing, but still..people break up all the time...hell i would have thought someone was mad for needing an extension if their only reason was a break up this time last year.

Ugh.

I know that i have to want to get over this..over her.But i'm so so scared of that.

of being over her...of us really being over..

i just want to be asleep, in her arms..and not have to wake up or think about anything..just be there, and fall asleep and never leave.