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changing the past

2003-09-20 - 12:27 a.m.

Today we got good news.The deposit for the restaurant has been paid.Yes folks we're selling the business..or leasing it anyway....but in 3 weeks i will no longer have to work there, mum will no longer have to work there, dad will no longer be there 24/7..going mad having mini-strokes(like last year) and both working themselves into the ground.It's really great.

I'm going to have free time.Not have to work weekend nights.Not have to be home to look after my wee sis every day.Not have to be a 'mother'..cook,make sure she's done her homework, take time out of stuff i should be doing to spend time doing things for other people.Not have to always say no to things,to people,to going out, to making plans, to being spontaneous.

This is all good stuff.Really good stuff.

but i feel really shit.

A lot of this stuff created problems between me and levi..all of the above..most of our arguments were started by one of those things..getting rid of the place is something that i had always looked forward to because it would mean being able to spend more time with her..having more freedom to do things for us,when we wanted to do them,not just when we could get the chance.This would have been a reason for us to celebrate, to plan new things,have stuff to look forward to.I know there's no point in going over everything,wondering 'what if' but sometimes its unavoidable.What if we'd sold the bloody place this time last year (we got confirmation of the sale through yesterday-a year to the day since we came back from Canada and since our chef left and it all went to hell)Wouldn't things have been different?

I know that all this free time will mean that i'll be able to make friends and have interests/hobbies..time to study for exams.. whatever..but my chance to have fun would have to come along when it happens to be final year and you're supposed to have all of that out of your system..ready to knuckle down to serious work (like this dissertation,due on Thursday and barely 1000 words written out of 7000...)and it would have to come along when all this shit has just managed to finally come between me and Levi enough to break us up. So now that i'm going to have this free time and be able to do all the things that we never really got a chance to,its too fucking late.(and don't get me wrong here,we did so much together and i wouldn't change a single thing about all the stuff we diddo).I'll be free at weekends,weeknights,on birthdays,on New Years eve on bloody Valentines day...

the timing fucking sucks.

don't get me wrong,it's all good news..its great news,its really really brilliant

it's just too bloody late.

It's as if it had to do just enough to really mess everything up, and now that it's been achieved..i'm seeing a councillor,i have depression on my medical records,i've wasted the entire summer,mum and dad have lost a lot of their health and been driven to the edge, and it's gone a long way to ruining the most amazing thing i've ever,and probably will ever, have had...now it's done it's job.And it will quietly go away leaving the pieces to be picked up and no traces..so everyone wonders what the hell the problem was and thinks you've just gone mad of your own accord.And if it's a good thing,that you're rid of it..then why aren't you happy? Its all about choice really.Our family is cursed with being pushed into things..never getting to choose what to do.. for instance,when to buy or sell a business.It's always a case of necessity..everything is always done,or not done because that's the way it has to be..not because that's how you want it. And yes i know..fate or whatever, it was meant to happen this way, everything happens for a reason and you have to deal with it and get on with it and make it better in the future.No use dwelling on the past and stuff that can't be changed.Learn from it.I know.

It's just difficult when something happens that you've been wanting for ages and on one hand you have someone saying 'welldone!Congratulations!Crack open the champagne!!' and meanwhile the other hand is busy slapping you around the head saying 'hah..you didn't really expect this all to be rosy did you?!it'll always get you in the end,just when you're about to think it's safe...now that all the conditions are perfect for a happy, working, committed, fun relationship..you,yes you, you idiot,you don't have one!'

i dunno..you can't change the past

but right now i just really fucking wish i could.

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