Take 1
Classics
Autographs

Heroine

Director's Notes
Fan Mail
Sponsor

conflict of interests

2001-10-11 - 12:33 a.m.

Does anyone remember film girl?

Remember how i talked to her after my English exam and she blushed and i felt that it slightly confirmed my suspicions about her?

well..

I was talking to another friend of mine the other night who also takes english and we were talking about people in the class.Turns out this friend was in english tutorials last year with film girl and she too had her suspicions about her,just from things she sometimes said etc..From being in her group she also knew her name which she told me. It's weird to actually have a name to put to the face now.It's also even stranger cos her name is so like Levi's name that it's scary!

Anyway..this friend was there the day that i talked to film girl after the exam. This friend thought that there was something strange going on that day too (she knows about me and levi and is bi herself btw) cos film girl wasn't her usual self and she'd never seen her blush before like that...just the way the conversation went..she thought it was funny.In short she thought film girl like me.a lot.

anyway..we both agreed that we don't really know her so we shouldn't pass judgement etc...

anyway,yesterday..walking to a lecture i caught site of her on the street with a friend..i was in a hurry and took a different route to my lecture than normal to get there faster.Boy am i glad i did.Film girl and friend were holding hands.Friend is a girl also.

This made me extremley happy.I dunno why.Not cos i was right or cos i like her more than i should or anything. It just made me happy and i smiled.

Today after my screening (which was Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for anyone who's interested) i went to check when my weekly seminar is. Behind me a voice says hi...i turn round and there she is.So i said hi ,asked her how her summer had been she said good,lazy hadn't done much..asked her if she'd gone anywhere to which she replied that she'd just gone away for a couple of days...pausing and then adding.."with my girfriend"..at this a few more people came to check the sheets..i just said that 'we'd planned to go somewhere too,but it never really happened' I never specified who 'we' were but i think the point was taken. Then some of her friends appeared and she had to run to catch her bus.

This is good i think.

I don't know any other lesbians,it might be nice to know her.Then again..do i really want to be that out at the moment?..the way it is just now nothing is confirmed...but she knows,i know she knows.I don't mind that.But then if i'm open enough to be out to her then am i open anough to be out to everyone else? Cos once one person knows everyone gets to know and the people in my classes overlap and know other people and i've discovered,even in a big city,everyone knows everyone else somehow. And then everyone knows.Maybe everyone allready knows.They probably do. I'm never sure if i'm happy or not about this.Cos i want them all to know.If it weren't for my parents i would be fine with everyone knowing. And saying to people that i was meeting my girlfriend..or going out that night with my girlfriend...but for them that's like the last step.Once I'm that open then they lose any hope they have right now that i might change.

I don't want them to think i might change.Cos i won't.But then..what if people at uni know...and one turns out to be the daughter or son of someone my parents know..and then their friend mentions it to them...just in passing.or just when they ask how the kids are or whatever.And there is one such person in my film class whos parents have known my parents for years.and my little sisters geography teacher..his son is in my englsih class...and god knows how many other people who are related to my family somehow.

How mad would they be then? How humiliated would they feel?That everyone knows? and i haven't told them that they know.

Right now they think no one knows apart from the boy and beautifulson and their boyfriends.

I don't want that to happen.

I also need to talk about this with levi,cos any decision one of us makes about this also affects the other.

She says she mostly doesnt care who knows when we talk about it.BUt i know she does.

Today we were at her house and fell asleep in her bed under her duvet (fully clothed and everything though) her dad opened the door which made me jump and i turned round to see him just look at us and close the door again as quicky.At least he saw that i had all my clothes on that way!..thats the only good way i can think about that situation.

Levi just laughed it off. But there's something in her eyes when stuff like that happens that just says 'damn' and looks disappointed....i don't think anyone else would be able to see it but me..and probably her mum. And she carries on laughing.

I mean i know it wasn't that big a deal,we were just asleep.But seeing as she never formally told her dad...well i would have felt something if i were her... I dunno.

So anyway,now i'm just rambling and i'm sure there was a point to all of this at the beginning,but i think i lost it somewhere along the way.

I want to make freinds this year at uni,but i still don't know how ready i am to be open with them. I just dont want to get to graduation and not have people in my class to graduate with.

And i also want to share what i have with levi with the world.So they can see how good we are together,how right.

Theres a bit of a conflict of interests here.

Cut - Action