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conversations and thinking

2004-02-04 - 1:04 a.m.

i was walking along the road home from uni today and felt different.I dont know how...but it was a feeling different from anything i have ever felt before in my life...i can't describe exactly what it was..but i just know that i have never felt it before.It was neither good nor bad..happy or sad..it was just a feeling, and it was strange and different and as soon as i realised i was feeling it it went away again.Sorry that that is so completley vague..i just had to write about it.

I'm calling it singleness.I dont mean that in the way of..'i'm so single and can go out with lots of people and do what i want'..or 'i'm single loving it' or even 'i'm single and hating it and lonely' (although i am a lot of the time) just single as in..on my own...1 person..in the world.Singularly.single.

hmmm

anyway

the last few days have been good and strange in many ways.Like Levi going to Paris.I expected to be really upset and unable to talk to her about it..but instead we were chatting away before she went and i was asking about travel plans and things..and then yesterday when she got back i saw her and we talked about it and i even helped her carry HNG's saxaphone home which she had brought back from France for her...which was a bit surreal.Last night we chatted online about how the relationship is going..both her relationship with HNG and our realtionship as it is now..as friends.She was saying that she can't really understand how i can talk to her so openly about this new realtionship of hers but that shes glad i can. I can't understand it either..at all..how i can talk about it i mean.I can't talk about it with other people but i can talk about it with her..which is strange.. We were also talking about whether things would be differnt if i were going out with someone and whether she would be able to talk about it in the same way...

I don't really know how i feel about her..and HNG..or anyhting really..For the most part i'm ok about it..but then sometimes i think thats just because know/think/percieve her new realtionship as not really that serious..and so its ok that its there and its ok to discuss. Not that i don't want her to be happy and everything and not that i would want her to put the relationship/HNG down for my sake or when she talks to me about it...which i sometimes wonder if she does.I just wonder if i would be so ok about it if it were all to get serious..i suppose i would be..but in some ways i think the talking about things openly is the easy bit (well not easy..but you know what i mean)...its if she were to stop talking about it that it might be hard..cos then i'd know it was serious and special.And i know putting this all here might affect how she talks to me about things in the future if she reads it..but i really hope it wont.What i write here is what i feel right now..not all the time..and i guess i'm just feeling a bit lonely tonight even though i've probably talked to the most people in one day for a long time today.

I also just had a long chat with friend online who i've known the longest out of all my friends now..since our first day of high school..but we've never really been that close.It was like our first real talk that included feelings and personal things and it was a bit strange..but nice.She split up with her boyfriend a while back too..and we were just talking about being single...staying friends with exs...thinking about the good times and stuff..and how final year is the time when you both least and most need to be with someone...

hmmm..so yeah..a lot of talking and thinking has been going on..but thats better than when it was just thinking..its the thinking that gets people in a mess!

Yeah so i might be going out with that friend and some other school friends tomorrow night..which will be nice cos i've kinda lost touch with them over the past year and we've all had a lot of stuff going on in our lives.These however are the very same unreliable friends who seem to continuously let me down and who i vowed never to go out with again after the halloween fiasco..but anyway...i've invited out someone from my class as well cos he loves pub quizzes(which is what we're doing..weird..i've never done one before and now i'm doing 2 in 1 week!)and he won this one once before..dunno if he'll come with his mates or not but it would be funny if he did.

I was also chatting away to a girl who i've kinda known through a friend for a couple of years but have never really spoken to before.We ended up just talking away for at least half an hour and it was really nice :)

so yeah..today has been a day of random conversations and talking and being surrounded by people.

and singleness.

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