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defining us

2003-08-26 - 2:32 p.m.

well i just read levi's entry about saturday. I firstly want to say that i was not trying to annoy her on purpose and i certainly wasn't trying to proove that we shouldn't be together anymore. Maybe i just didn't know how to act...maybe i was just being genuinely annoying, without realising it...i don't know...but i honestly wasn't doing it on purpose, even if she thinks i might have subconsciously been trying to annoy her..if i was then it was in my subconscious in which case it wasn't a concerted effort in which case i do not take responsibility for it.

just wanted to get that out of the way.

Annoying each other was one of the reasons for splitting up....that and not talking about things...Now we are talking about things,we've probably talked more about 'things' since splitting up than we ever did while we were together....

I just don't know where we are with each other right now.

If we annoy each other so much and (as Levi seems to think) don't really have that much to talk about (apart from this whole situation) then what are we doing?

Saturday for me was good...yeah we were being annoying and annoyed for a bit at the beginning but then it was ok...and we were just being together and it was nice.i was still confused afterwards but it was a nice confusion...i don't know.ugh.

In a way what we have right now is exactly what we had just before we broke up..we were annoying each other and not really being 'there' when we were together but we still had those moments of kissing and cuddling and being happy just being together and not saying anything...which is kind of still what we're doing.

I don't know how i feel about her saying that she really doesn't want to get back together with me right now..i think i'm kind of numb to it.I don't think i really want to get back together with her right now either...but when we're together i'm happy... I just don't know where we're supposed to go from here...if we annoy each other so much then can we really be friends?annoying each other and not having much to talk about?and do we really want to be just friends..can we even be just friends when every time we see each other we end up cuddling and kissing?so what does that make us...not a couple and not friends but people who cuddle and kiss?....that can't be right.. if we're a doing that then we're a couple right?...

i'm just having real trouble defining what we are right now.

It feels like we're pulling each other in and pushing each other away at the same time...and neither of us really knows which it is we want.

So do we just carry on with the way things are...seeing each other a couple of times a week, talking on the phone and see where it takes us?....

i wa supposed to be here at the library working on my dissertation and so far i've been here for almost 2 hours and not really done anything.

I have less than a month to do it now.I better get going and as usual leave everything hanging in the air...maybe it's the only place it can be right now.

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