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de-stress me please

2003-05-30 - 1:04 a.m.

So term is kinda over..only not really.

Lectures have finished but i still have an essay, maybe 2 to hand in..i've not had any classes for a week now which should have given me loads of time to get stuff done..only i haven't really done anything..not for want of trying though..i havebeen reading,it's just that nothing has been useful,or interesting, or anything really.hmmm..so the essay fromt isn't going very well and i had planned to have handed one in by now and be starting work on the second one.

Levi has exams just now and is stressing about them..which is making me stress for her...which i don't mind..not that I want her stressing of course.Now that i have myself to stress for too...and then my little sister who kinda has her first proper exam/test things this week...well it's just a whole housefull of stress.

I'm also getting a bit fed up of feeling like a parent.With us still having no chef at the restaurant my mum and dad are both there full time..and my sister has this new post working in a hospital now which means her hours can be a bit unpredictable depending on surgeries and on-call stuff...so i have to be back home from wherever i am by 4 every day and then i have to be here until my big sis gets home from work..which is anywhere between 6 and 8. She does of course want to have an after work life aswell so she goes out a few nights a week which leaves me in the house.... My little sis is 14 ,which means that legally she can be in by herself, and i know that lots of people are at home on their own from much younger ages but my mum feels better if someone is in the house with her since she can't be here herself.My mum feels guilty about not being able to spend more time with her..so she doesn't want her to feel even more cut off or isolated or whatever by no-one being here at all to ask how her day was when she gets home or help her with her homework...or just to watch t.v with her.And then she's also at that paranoid age, where she thinks things are haunted..and watches too much Buffy and Angel and Charmed and scary movies..being in alone with that kind of imagination is sometimes not a good thing.I don't mind being her and i really do like spending time with her but sometimes i'd like to go out in the afternoon and not have to be back by a certain time....and there's not even any point in me moaning about this because there isn't anything that can be done about it. I moaned at Levi about it today and she tried to suggest solutions and then i just got annoyed at her becasue they're all things i've thought of before but that i know wouldn't work for some reason or another...maybe shouting down the phone at her wasn't the best way to express that though eh?

I'm not sleeping very well either just now..

...i had to stop writing there because my big sis just landed another load of stress on me...about the business as usual...anyone want to but a restaurant?...it is a really good business...it's just that my dad's not well enough to run it anymore.

anyway i was saying..i'm not sleeping very well...i keep having these circular dremas where the same thing just happens over and over and over and over again...and i have so many dreams in one night as well..and all of them are the same..so repetitive...i had at least 6 last night that i can remember..one where i was in the restaurant and i had to keep serving the same table the same thing..and then clearing it and then serving it again.In another i was trying to read a book for this essay and i just kept reading the same page over and over (which is infact just like real-life) and in another we were moving house to this place that was like 5 floors under ground...with a big winding staricase and the people who had moved out had just left everything exactly as it would have been if they were still there...food and all. My parents were trying to convince me that the tiny room that was going to be mine was in fact the same size as the huge one that someone else was getting and then there were strange scary people chasing down this big dark spiral stairway and telling me i had to make tea...does anyone have any idea what that was about?

So yeah i keep waking up because of these dreams ...the repetitiveness gets me frustrated in my sleep,so frustrated that i fight with the duvet and wake up every 15 minutes or so.So then in the morning i sleep really late because i haven't really slept during the night and then i feel guilty for not having been up earlier to do some work.

Today was much the same..i woke up feeling frustrated and guilty and not very good at all...had lunch for breakfast and then attempted to read.

I did some reading and discovered that nothing in any of the books i had was suitable for the essay i wanted to write..or any essay at all. Called Levi and had that conversation that i wrote about earlier..thus getting more anoyyed with the world and myself..tried to do some more reading and waited for my sis to get home.Made her tea then washed my hari and started on dinner, going to the supermarket with wet hair to pick up some stuff. My big sis then got home so dinner had to be modified so that there was enough for her.Then i helped my little sis with some homework and finally went to to library.

I read some more there only to find that again the books were just not helpful and i couldnt find any that were...leaving me still not knowing what to write about.

At 10.20 I gave up and decided to take some time out..from everything. I headed to this litte coffee place that i love..practically my favourite place in Glasgow it was a lovely warm night so i walked down slowly.I was thinking about not going in becasue i was on my own and things..but then i saw the lights and the patio doors were open with cool tranquil jazz playing out into the street and i thought,why the hell not.I went in and ordered an iced latte and sat at one of the candle lit bar tables and drank and read...only getting a little self conscious when practically the only girl i don't like at uni came in with her boyfriend, but we both mutually ignored each other...and besides i may have been there on my own but i like to think i had a cool intellectual aloof kind of allure as i sat there drinking and reading..like the kind of relaxed person who is completely comforatble in their own company that i was trying to be.And she was there with her not very-great-looking-at-all boyfriend who she talks about all the time.

So yeah, it was lovely,just sitting there for 25 minutes,taking i the music and the warm night air and feeling like i was on holiday, or even better back in Canada, where that's the type of thing i would have done.

So yeah, thank god for warm nights and cool jazz...it was exactly what i needed and i would reccommend pretending you're on holiday to anyone who is stressed about anything.Here's hoping it helps me get an uninterrupted night's rest too.A good 20 minutes out or 'real life' really does help.

All i needed to complete the experience was a Canadian double bed, a too-warm bedroom and a Levi to snuggle up to.

If i had that i would be a happy happy girl.

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