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the one where Ellen gets a puppy

2001-04-11 - 1:07 a.m.

so..here i am.

I'm still alive.

just about.

I'm still alive but i don't feel like i'm really here..I'm somewhere else..outside of my body..watching myself cry.

Watching them all cry,as if someone has died.

Maybe someone has...maybe i have,and i'm out of body watching it all happen.

If you've been reading Levi's diary,you'll know what's been going on.

My sister found out on Saturday night...she was great about it,hugged me...told me it made no difference to her...said 'I'm on your side'.She was great.

Yesterday.Yesterday was so happy.Everything was forgotten about and it was just me and Levi and a thousand "I love you"s and a year of us being together.A year of memories and happiness and love.A year of her making me the happiest most blest person in the entire world.We'd made it a year.I love you Levi.Nothing will EVER change that.

Then today...today my dad found out.Well he actually found out last night.My mum told him...she didn't tell me she was going to tell him she just did.And i sat through lunch with him today..everything seeming perfectly normal..without knowing that he knew.

She told me while she was making coffee...and didn't understand why i was upset or angry with her for not having told me.

I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.

My big sister took my little sister out of the house for a walk.

My dad knocked on the door.

He hugged me and cried.He told me he loved me.And then we sat and talked.He was so calm. But so sure that he could change my mind.

Said i had to think.About everyone else..about the effects.About the future.

Said i should leave her for 6 Months until i know what i really want.

But i can't do that.

I CAN'T.

Because i know what i want.

I want her.

I love her.

And he can't change my mind.No one can.

So why do i feel so selfish right now..why do i feel that they'd all be so much better off if i just wasn't here at all.Why do i hate myself for being so weak.For not being able to talk to anyone of them without crying..for not being able to stand up for myself,for us to all of them.

In a way i wish he'd just gotten mad at me.Watching him cry like that...ask me what they'd done wrong...what they hadn't given me.

He was giving me exaples from his life...times when he'd had to make choices..and the thing that kept him from making the wrong choice was the thought of what his parents would think..what they would do.

I thought about all of that.Everyone keeps telling me how much i have to think.I HAVE thought..i don't know if i could think anymore...the thought of this being me has been in my head since..god ....i don't even know...for at least 5 years,maybe more.Everyone keeps asking if i'm sure..telling me that i'm only 18.

I know what god damn age i am

Maybe i don't know if i'm 100 % sure...about my sexuality that is...but i'm 98 % sure..and I think that's as sure as most people can be...no one seems able to understand that concept.

Everyone wants answers that i can't give them.I'm fed up of questions.So fed up.They don't even know what they're asking half the time.

They ask me what i want from them.

Acceptance

They're not sure if they can give me that

Nature is based on sexual organs- if sex is such a bad thing in most religions anyway then what the hell does it matter if their sexual organs fit into one another neatly?....should it not matter more that their souls fit so perfectly that they've become one?

So yeah...I'm still here

Alive.

Maybe

And I still love her more than life.

Nothing can change that.

Because she's the one.

(the title of this entry refers to the episode of Ellen that she comes out to her parents in...not that I'm a big fan..i just remember that one)

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