Why does this feel so horrible.

I wrote her a letter, last night, well at 4 am.

we keep arguing,annoying each other.

we don't feel like 'us'

I don't know when the last prolonged period of time when we did feel like 'us' was.

We feel like friends and it's weird and it's not what i want.

I want it to be how it was-or something just not what it is.

I don't know what she's thinking yet.

I didn't sleep last night. Today i ache all over and my eyes were puffy from crying when i got up. I started crying because i was confused and then cried because i felt sorry for myself and then because i felt sorry for us and then because i didn't like what the letter i was writing might have been saying.

I had a dream the other night that i was shot in the chest. It felt real and painful (even though i don't know what a real bullet to the chest would feel like) but at the same time i was kinda numb and didn't feel it at all.I just lay down and waited to die,watching myself bleed.it just went on like that for ages.I just waited-and watched.I don't remember actually dying-but then if i had died then i don't suppose i would remember it because the dream would have ended.

I don't know if i died or not.

It was like a dream within a dream too.I woke up (in the dream) lying in my bed only to look down at my chest and see a scar from the bullet-which i guess means that i didn't die.When i really did wake up in real life again my chest was sore and i was holding it.

I vaguely remember having similar dreams-of being shot- sometime earlier this year.

I just looked that up somewhere and it said being shot or dying can be a metaphor for emotional pain or feeling attacked in your realtionships in your waking life. Actually dying can be a symbol of separation...

but it also says that the attacker/s are important.

In the dream I'm somwhere with a group of people-3 of us are told that we have to leave and another 3 are given envelopes. I don't know who the 2 people i was with were or who the ones with envelopes were either.Then we're walking outside somewhere,it's almost daylight,we're just walking down a street with houses on it and some kind of large wall or castle behind us-it's all modern looking but it feels like somewhere old-somewhere historic or something. The 3 of us who had to leave are infront and we turn round to the 3 behind saying that we know that they've been told to kill us-they're kind of apologetic about it but they have to do it. Then they disappear and we're left wondering about on our own on these streets. Then i'm on my own and i hear a car or a person running or something and then suddenly i have this bullet in my chest. It feels like someone has hit me really hard. I get shot in the back too.I feel a pain and the warmth of blood and look down at it-almost fascinated by it. I have this other stream of consciousness going on in my head too-a little voice or something saying its just a dream-wait and see what happens-it might be interesting-take it all in-feel it.So i do-i look closely at it and just stand there and wait-feeling everything slow down and then i lie down on the ground and try to breathe slowly, try to make it easier for myself to just let go.It was weird-i didn't feel scared becasue there was always that little voice saying-it's just a dream.

I'm scaring myself a bit now though because lately when i have dreams where bad things happen to me that voice is there and i do wait to see what happens instead of waking up-it's like watching a film-i want to know what happens in the end and my mind holds onto it-even if i'm being attacked-i almost had a dream about being raped after having pepper spray sprayed in my eyes a few weeks ago-my mind was trying to hold onto that too eventhough i didn't really want it to, i think it would have if my mum hadn't woken me up.

it's weird.

I'm sure i have all sorts of issues going on in my head-i should probably get a therapist or something to help sort it all out.

I've been feeling ill for most of today.

A good friend,well my best fried apart from Levi, came to see me today. She had lots to talk about- I wanted to talk to her about whats going on just now but i just couldn't. She was talking about her boyfriend who she split up with 2 months ago-saying that they just had to make the decision of whether to try to put up with annoying each other the whole time and try to work it out or whether to just bite the bullet and call it a day-so they called it a day.IT felt too close to home. I don't want to call it a day-i don't want to bite the bullet-I want to be properly really completely in love again but sometimes it feels like the arguing bit makes us lose site of the being in love bit.

And in the midst of all this she came over for lunch today and we had noodles and cuddled a lot and said 'i love you's and it felt right.

Maybe i'm just so fucking melodramatic and twisted in my head that i can't let us just coast along and be happy-it's like we have to fight against each other now that we're not fighting against the rest of the world to be together.

I'm compltely over-reacting aren't i?somebody please write and tell me that i'm being stupid and over the top and melodramatic and creating problems where there aren't any.

somebody tell me how to fix it.