Guilt is a horrible horrible thing.

I just thought about this properly for the first time today eventhough i've probably been feeling like this for ages.

I used to be the type of person who was honest to a fault...i was always the one to own up to things...the one who'd try to patch things up ..avoiding arguments at all costs just to keep the peace.

I'm still doing the last two but at the expense of the first,now i'm lying to keep the peace and attempt to patch things up.The ironic thing is that it was the lying that got me here in the first place.

My dad was so pissed off with me not only cos i'm gay but because i never told him about it sooner...same with my mum..they don't realise that i was lying to protect them,not hurt them..but then you've heard this all before.

Today i realised that the feeling i've been carrying around for so long is guilt.It's like someone's punched a hole in the middle of my chest and left it filled with this amazing mass of heavy dense air that is always always there.In the middle of my happiest moments it just has to be there to remind me that in order to get that moment i had to lie.I had to lie about where i was going,what type of place it was,who i was going to be with,who said what to who.For a while i started shutting down so that i didn't have to lie,but then i think they started to realise what i was doing and began asking questions again..i could say that they gave me no choice but then they did.I could either lie about it or tell the truth,the one that would cause the most harm was up to me to decide...so i lie..thinking it will casue less hassle for everyone concerned,hoping that i'm making the right choice.

I know that a lot of you will say i am.That they are wrong and i am right.That they don't understand and i shouldn't suffer for that.That i shouldn't feel the guilt because there isn't really a choice.That they're forcing me to live like this,and some part of me believes all of that..a very big part of me tells me that it's right and that i'm only doing it because i have to.But then that part right in the middle of my chest tells me that i'm being stupid,that i'll get caught,that eventually something will go wrong and when it does all the lies will catch up with me and it'll be worse than i could ever have imagined.I hope that part of me is wrong.

That guilt in the middle of me is like a volcano sometimes,just waiting to claim its next victim..whoever happens to upset me with some trivial comment that they don't really mean.Today it was Levi...in fact its almost always Levi and that's the person who it should least be.

I was thinking in church today that i should go to confession...i've been saying that to myself since all of this started..i've been saying this to myself since i ever had any feelings that i might be gay,but i've never done anything about it..i've avoided it so long now...but then i know that even if it does give me that one moment of feeling that the guilt has been lifted...what difference does it make if i'm just going to go right back to it within the next few hours..minutes...

there are 2 things that could give at this point...

my relationship,or my lying...

the relationship makes me feel fantastic,i couldn't live without it or her....so that is not even an option

so that leaves the lying..get rid of that and i get rid of the guilt right?

so,the lying it is then...it's got to go...because the guilt is getting a bit to heavy to carry around anymore.