NO Kissing now for 18 days and counting. M got home on the 11th- last monday. I got a coldsore on the night of the 10th and it has not yet buggered off. ARGH! So that's no kissing since the 1st of January when I left him there in Paris outside the metro.

Sex without kissing was kind of a turn on at first but now it's just getting frustrating. Having said that we've had some great sex this weekend. Friday night, saturday morning, saturday night, sunday night. Certainly not letting it stop us anyway! He knows that i've been missing the intimacy of kissing which made last night pretty amazing because he was trying to make up for it in other ways. The physical closeness, kissing me all over, taking it slowly, whispering in my ear, just the way we looked at each other and how he held me. The fact that he'd put a soft lamp in the room because the main light is too harsh but he wanted to be able to see me.

I loved it. It was delicious.

But i still didn't come. Sorry but just to get that out there. It always has been and still is a problem for me. And i really thought that i would last night, the conditions were perfect so i don't know what stopped me. And he was disappointed- even though I told him how amazing it was and everything. I guess all signs were pointing towards it happening and he could tell that he was doing a fine job. But in the end it just didn't happen. It doesn't bother me that much but I can't help thinking how much better everything would feel if i could just really let go and get some kinf of consistent return. And i can't even tell him that there's something he should do differently. He's good at guaging my mood and it's usually pretty close to his, which helps! Like on Saturday night when we were both drunk and it was fast and rough or Saturday morning when it was sleepy and lazy and lovely. And I don't have any problems coming on my own. I can get there in 3 minutes flat now if I'm in the right mood and usually thinking about real sex that we've really had, or an amalgamation of bits and pieces, different occassions, things he's said or done. Of course the odd fantasty here and there but often involving him in some way anyway! And I wonder if it comes down to the thing not said that I keep talking about, that I want to say and hear back..and if maybe that would unlock the last missing piece of whatever it is that's not coming together in my subconscious.

But for now I think that the kissing would definitely help.