Take 1


Director's Notes
Fan Mail


2013-10-22 - 6:42 p.m.

I logged on here randomly to update the other night but then couldn't for whatever reason. And there it was- my buddy list with one update in red: Levi, 1 day ago. So funny how this still happens..

So it looks like I'm making the move to Bristol permanent. I've been coming and going about this decision for so long that I was unable to actually decide or get excited about it for the longest time. And of course being with M was a big part of that.. but since we've no longer been together I've felt far more myself, far more able to enjoy being here. I've been the busiest I've ever been this year with hardly a week going past without some event or trip or night out or something. It has been crazy but fantastic and I've really started to feel more at home here.. I can't imagine working back in the building in Glasgow now with all my old colleagues and M and everyone although I will miss being in the city and so close to friends and family and of course my flat.. but it suddenly feels like the right thing to do and yesterday I got properly excited about it for the first time.

And also there's G.The most amazing wonderful man. I met him in June so not too long after M and I split up, as alluded to in the previous entry, but as soon as I saw him I thought 'yes'- and even in my last entry I already thought he could really be someone. And it turns out he thought the same about me. I honestly didnt think that love at first sight existed but we've been pretty much inseperable ever since.

I don't want to jinx it but I've honestly been the happiest I have been for years and years and I'm just excited about the future. We get on so well, there's hardly a thing we disagree on, we haven't had any cross words with each other but have explored the few areas that we don't hold the same opinions on and have had nice open discussions. There have been no arguments, not even minor annoyances. It has all been amazing. I know it has only been a few months but I think, hope, that you get to a point in life where you know yourself, what you want, what you don't want and how you want to get to wherever it is you're meant to be going. In a really clear way it's like every relationship I've ever had has taught me something that has made me ready for this one.
The pure excitement of first love that has made me look for that special something and sparkle in someone's eye ever since . The slight uncomfortableness with Felix, not knowing how to accept her generosity and the amount that she was willing to commit to me because I just wasn't ready for it. M and all his non commitment, even the feelings of rejection and of not being my true self around him. I feel like suddenly I've met this one person and it has all fallen into place. I'm me again, the me of that first love where it's all in and you don't have to try to be anything that you're not. I suppose naturally with more caution and the lessons of life as a reminder to keep your feet a bit more on the ground : No one wants to get hurt again and we've talked about that- but if you feel like this and you don't throw yourself in then woudln't you be making a huge mistake.
And no, it's not a rebound thing as cliched as it sounds. M and I were over a long time before we physically split up and this just doesn't compare at all. But timing is everything. Had I met G at any other time in the past (considering I've been hearing about him for almost 2 years it's amazing we didn't meet until June, when we were both in just the right place for this to happen) we probably wouldn't have got together.. or would we? Any other time in the past 2 years I'd still have been with M and, no matter how unhappy, G wouldn't have tried to come between us, he's not that kind of guy. And if the relationship with M hadn't been so... troublesome.. I might have written G off as being too nice a guy.He is a really lovely guy.
I remember when Felix used to take me places, buy me gifts, tell me I was the love of her life and I couldn't appreciate it because it made me feel like I owed her something. G does all of those things too but because I feel so much more for him I can graciously accept and just be thankful and love him right back.

It's sickening but we can spend the longest time just kissing and looking at each other like total teenagers. The first time we went to the cinema together we barely saw the film and we're in our 30s now for chrissake! He's 36- a proper grown up and massively able to talk about his feelings and hopes and dreams. I've had to relearn how to do that after shutting it all down to cope with M's inability to do so and so he puts me to shame sometimes, but I'm getting back into the swing of it and it feels amazing. He tells me he loves me all the time and we already talk about the future like it's the most natural thing in the world. It honestly feels like we've known each other forever and even so many little things in both of our pasts are so similar that it's scary.

Tonight we're going to Ikea to buy some clever storage bits and pieces, to make room for my things in his flat.It sounds ridiculous I know but we didn't even have to discuss it- he said ' we should talk about something' and I said ' ok' and he said 'ok what?' and I said 'OK'. He replied 'when?' and I said ' January' and that was that decision made, again like it was just the only logical thing to do. Of course January has crept forward and my things have started to make their way to his as that's where we spend most of our time anyway. The other night I was about to take a bag of things back to mine to wash and we just looked at each other as I said ' there's no point, is there?' and he said ' no, not really'.

He's coming to pick me up now.
I think he could really be someone.

Cut - Action