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melancholy

2012-06-12 - 1:01 a.m.

I don't really know what I want to say except that I feel.. melancholy.

I had a great job in Glasgow and yet left it, albeit temporarily, to come to Bristol to 'try something new'. I've done that now and I'm half way through the year away and they've asked me to stay a bit longer- 6 months, 8 months, a year, longer if i want. People keep asking me what my gut feeling is but i don't have one because i've been wondering what I'd do if they asked me to stay for too long. It's complicated- with the job, with my flat, accommodation here, the boy..

The job is the same on paper here as it is at home. Only it's not. If and when I go home they could technically put me back down to the post I was on 2 years ago because that's what my contract says- i've been in an 'acting' role for 2 years now. The Bristol job treats me exactly as if I were the job grade for the job that I'm doing. Now that Glasgow know I can do the job well enough for Bristol to want me to stay does that mean they're thinking of promoting me? No - you can bet if I go back that they'll keep me where I am but expect me to carry on working to the job above.. the lack of real chance of promotion is getting frustrating. There have been redundancies so I can't really complain, at least I have a job. Bristol can't officially promote me unless I permanently move my contract here- which is a big life decision to make for the sake of a promotion. But they can keep me in the management position for as long as I choose to stay so at least I'm building up my portfolio and not risking going backwards.

The flat that I've been living in here since Christmas is great- self contained but with great landlord neighbours upstairs who I can hang out with if I want to or not if I don't. Unfortunately they're moving away and have just sold up so I need to move. I was on mates rates here so can't afford another self contained flat and will need to move in with people. I've seen one flat that I'm waiting to hear about that would be fine for 6 months- a year (depending on how the flatmates turn out) but other than that I haven't really seen anywhere that I think I'd feel happy to live.. although I'll need to find somewhere until Christmas so I'm sure something will turn up. It seems silly to extend that kind of living arrangement when I have a perfect flat of my own at home..

I've discussed the move with the boy and he has told me to do what is best for my career. I know that a) he's trying to be supportive and b) that's how he would make the decision if it were him but I kind of just want him to say- I miss you, come home now. In a funny way it'd probably make the decision to stay easier as I'd feel like I was really making it for myself because I wanted to rather than feeling that everyone thinks it'd be the right thing to do. In a funny way I probably feel more supported about deciding to stay than I would if i decided to go home- like he (and other people) would feel I had wasted an opportunity... it makes it harder to decide what it is that I really want instead of deciding on what I think i should do.
When we'd discussed it most recently I'd thought there was a chance that he might look for a job here come Christmas time since he really likes the city and wanted to move here before I even got the job. But today he said he has accepted a year long job in Glasgow so that's another whole year of being apart. And when he's being supportive of me being here I can't really say that it's selfish of him to stay there and yet I feel like it is. Like he would have made the same decision regardless of me when i've spent so much time agonising over what to do. A full year from now is his 30th( in a couple of weeks) and another Christmas and my 30th and his 31st before we might even be back in the same city.

I do in a weird way really enjoy my job now, I don't hate it here, it's a really nice city. I just feel far away from people. I think it'd almost be easier if I didn't have a relationship because then I'd just decide that life is here now rather than thinking of it like work is here and life is at home...and maybe that would make me make more friends..although that hasn't proved to be so easy so far.I keep telling myself that I should just act single but then I don't really know what that means.. and I'm not single so why should I have to do that. I know that some people would revel in being able to be 'single' while still being in a relationship and I really want that to be me, but I don't think it is. For the most part i enjoy i being in a new place but i miss having people who I can just really be myself around- there's no one here that i know well enough to do that with yet. I don't have any proper mates from work because most of the other managers are married with kids or have their own established groups of friends. There's only one person who i directly work with who is the same age as me and she is lovely and I think we will be friends but right now I'm her manager so that makes it tricky..or maybe it shouldn't.

I'm making decisions on the basis of a job when I've never really seen myself as career driven. I've always just wanted to be good at things and people tell me I'm good at this but I'm doing it without any real goal in mind. Do I want to do this forever? Do I really want to work my way up the ladder to a job that just gets less and less to do with why I started it? But then why did I start it? because i studied it at uni. Why did I study it? because someone told me I'd be good at it.

I want to be one of those people who has really clear goals and is go-getting and tries new things and is up for anything. But I just don't seem to be one of those people, although I'm trying and might appear that way to some people especially now with having moved cities seemingly in the pursuit of career value etc..Maybe I'm just being too harsh on myself.

I feel like I'm at an age where i should be trying to put down roots instead of messing about with trying new places and things but then I'm scared that I'll settle down and never have tried them. Does that matter or should I concentrate on just being happy without having to hit all of those markers? But then I don't want to regret things later since you only get one chance and all of that. And what markers would I give myself if I really had to choose some. What on earth do I actually want out of life? Sometimes absolutely everything and other times just to be in love and settle down and have a family.

I'm scared of missing out on things but then I'm too scared to try them. I'm scared that i could be in the wrong relationship at a time in my life when lots of other people are getting married and having kids.. .I'm scared when I think that I'd feel excited ( and frightened I'm sure) if i found out I was having a baby tomorrow but am not so excited by the thought of getting married.

I'm scared that maybe I should stay because it will be the start of something good or better but that by staying I might be deciding to close the door on something else.

I feel like everything is so unsettled and I just need a bit of security..within myself.

I want him to tell me to come back, because then I'd know that I could stay and feel safe. I want to feel like he really misses me because that would give me the freedom to explore. How backwards is that?

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