ok i know i said i wasn't going to write here anymore but i jut feel like i need to write about last night.

Last night was halloween.It was fun, i eventually decided on a costume and went to my papa's house for a wee family party like we used to have when we were kids.It was great, we played games and did stupid stuff and i took a video camera and got it all on tape.

After that i was supposed to be going to a party at some friends house from school. It was going to be cool, Levi was going to be there and we'd been getting on pretty well over the last couple of days(even though she gave me all of my stuff back yesterday which was really tough)So anyway i called one of the friends, she said they were going to the QM, I told her to give me a call when they got there. Then Levi called and told me they were getting in a taxi and to be there soon. So i got in the car with my mum and she drove me down. I couldn't see them and they hadn't called so we drove down to the end of the queue and watched the taxis pulling up trying to see who was getting out of them.I tried calling them and Levi. No answer. Then Levi called me back,said she was in the queue near the front but that the others, the friends who's party i was s'posed to be going to had left because they queue was too long. She said that some of her friends were inside and that i should come. I said no, it was ok, i would go back to the party or just go home, she should go in to see her friends. Then she said about going back to the party too and was walking down the street towards me. i did not tell her to come out of the queue.I did not tell her to not go in and meet her frieds.But she did.

She came down to the car and said again that we should just go in. I said no. That i didnt think it was a great idea and that i was supposed to be going out with my friends, not with hers. I dont think thats unfair.I wasn't implying anything. I'm trying to widen my circle of friends and eventhough these haven't been great friends i thought that by going out with them again we could maybe start being good friends again, and that then i would have some friends of my own, which is what i need.So Levi called them and they said they were going to head back to the flat and then maybe out to somewhere else. A pretty stupid idea cos everywhere was going to be busy and it was getting late. So we were standing there not knowing what to do when Levi said that there were still people at the party. So i said that we should go back then...I'd thought that everyone had left but it turned out that some of my friends were still there..or at least one of them, the girl who invited me.So we got back in my mums car and went to the party.

We went inside after bumping into some drunk friends and trying to convince them to stay. I followed Levi downstairs, I've never been in the house before so I didn't know where we were going. But anyway there still appeared to be people there. So we went downstairs and into the kitchen and got some food and a drink and Levi cuddled me and i cuddled here back and a couple of people came downstairs.After about 15 minutes i said to Levi that i should really go upstairs cos the girl whos flat it was didn't even know i was there yet and i wanted to go and say hi. We went upstairs and it turned out she had already left and gone out. Shortly later one of the guys who stays in the flat said that the party was over and could we please go home.This was only at 1 am! pretty early for a party to end.

So that was that, we left, after only being there 25 minutes or so. Levi had been there earlier, taken photos etc, she'd had a good night. But now we werent so happy. Me cos i hadn't even gotten to see anyone and had to leave after 25 minues and 1 drink and her because if she/we had gone into the qm with her friends then shed still be there, having a good time, instead of on the way home.

Of course this is all my fault.Cos i told her to come out of the queue and refused to go in with her.Only thats not what i did. I just said that i'd wanted a night out with my friends and not hers.We argued about this after getting out of the taxi. In the taxi she'd said that she was never coming out with me again. ever. I was trying to explain to her about just wanting to go out with my friends and not hers, and about to say that that didn't mean that i didn't want her to be there when she just looked at me and said. Go and find your friends then.

and she walked away.and didn't come back.

It was not my fault.that the party finished, or that she didn't go in to meet her friends.I didnt tell her not to. I didn't tell her to do anythng, but she did, it was her own choice. Its not my fault that the party ended ridiculously early. Today I texted ther girl who was supposed to still be in the house when we got there and she said that she'd gone out with people from work at 11.30, over an hour before we arrived back there.If i had known it was going to turn out like that do you think i would have even gone? If i didnt want a night out then i wouldnt have called anyone when i got home. If i really didn't want to see Levi at all i could have gone to another party that i was invited to by someone from uni.

But of course this is all my fault.

I am fed up of apologising for things that arent my fault.And this is one of them. If she wants to blame it on me then fine.But i didn't ask for anything. I'd had a great night with my family and she'd had a great time at her 2 parties. Things went wrong.But it was not my fault that she didnt go in, or that the party finshed or that people went out.

I was so so so pissed of with her for blaming it on me. and yet still texted to make sure she got home ok.

I can't stop caring about her. But i'm not taking this anymore.If this is how its going to be..with every thing that goes wrong being blamed on me, and we've talked about this before, and had an argument similar to this last week, which was not my fault either.

For things that are my fault i am sorry.

For what happened to us I am sorry.

For how this has all turned out I am sorry.

But

for things that are not my fault

i am not apologising anymore.