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no more fragile lies

2001-08-06 - 9:55 a.m.

so Friday night i walk into my kitchen about to tell my mum that i'll be going out for the night since i have a friday night off...i'm telling her i'm going out with the boy.which i am,just later,after i've been to Levi's to watch friends..and then we're going to the Polo,but i'm saying i'm going to some straight club...anyway..so she says...ok,that's good have fun or something along those lines

Then she turns and looks at me and asks how long that's been now,that me ane levi have been on the break...and i say 4 months and she says that's what they thought.

huh?this sounds like they've been thinking about things.

Then she asks if i still feel the same about her..and i nod and say yes..looking at my shoes...wondering what's coming next.

So then she says it

me and your dad were talking about it and,well if you still both feel the same about each other then there's not much we can do..and four months is probably long enough..not that we're over the moon about it but we don't mind too much anymore..so..you..you can see her.. like before if you still want to.......you know be discreet about it and things,i know you know that already but..just for your own good,so that you don't get hurt...

because you've tried and that's all we asked for so....anyway you better go and get ready...

This totally gets me...it was not expected ..came completely out of the blue...here we were getting ready for a fight,for the end of the 6 months to come and for us to still be fighting.

and then this.

it didn't make sense.

So i said 'really?'..which was the only word that i could think of right then...

and she said really,and gave me a huge hug,and she started crying a bit and i started crying a bit...she said she'd been trying to tell me all week but i'd hardly been in and then there'd always been other people around and she didn't want to tell me just out of the blue like that but it seemed to be the only way to do it now because she didn't want to leave it any longer.

And i felt so guilty,so so guilty because all this time we'd been going behind thier backs thinking that us staying away from each other wouldn't make any difference beacuse it wasn't like they were going to give in anyway and if they weren't prepared to give us a chance then why should we give them a chance?

And then this.

And i can't help thinking that i've even cheated myself a bit because when i went round to levis and told her about it it was like nothing had changed anyway..because if we'd been on the break properly then that would have been the first time that i'd been round in 4 months and it would have been so amazing to have each other back..but instead i've practically been living there for the past 4 months and..i dunno..

I don't think i appreciated it though until my mobile rang while i was in the car on the way home from work on saturday night and i was with my mum...and i looked at the phone and saw it was levi..and answered it ..for the first time in four months i could answer the phone to her and when we we arrived at home i called her and i didn't have to pretend that it was someone else on the other end of the phone.

And yesterday for the first time in so long i could say her name at home without feeling guilty...and tonight i'll be able to call her and then go over and not have to lie about it.

No more fragile lies.

We have each other back...i hope there no catches this time.

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