Last night i fell apart slightly for a while..it's been happening slowly over the past few days,unfortunately it was while on the phone to Levi.And for that i'm sorry, i really should just have said that i didn't feel like talking and gone to sleep..because i didn't feel like talking, and i'm not even sure what some of the stuff i feel is, and therefore might just pin the blame on the first thing there..which might be Levi..or might appear to be her fault in a round about way in my head..so i shouldn't really talk to her about it.

I'm just fed up of feeling so abnormal..i just want to feel normal again..in any sense that I've ever felt normal that is.I dunno.

I have the complete inabiltiy to be attracted to anyone at all.This has been going on for a while..and i don't understand why.My sex drive went to hell..well,a long time ago..and that caused a lot of problems in the long run as we know but now..i'm single (thats the first time i've written that i think..its still weird and sad) and i ended things...sure i shouldn't be in any rush for another relationship but i should at least be able to appreciate attractive people..girls..guys..whatever..i wouldnt mind..but i can't at all.Even if i'm really drunk.And its kinda getting me down..a lot..my other friends G (a guy) and C (a girl) are both recently single..they talk about sex all the time..C still ocassionally has it on a one night basis..and i wouldn't want to be doing that at all, but still,unless we're talking on a humourous basis i just find the whole thing a bit boring..possibly because i can't relate to either of their experiences of straight sex..i dunno.I just feel disconnected from the whole thing, no matter what the sexualtiy of the people involved is.

Me and Levi still talk to each other quite a bit, and she tells me what shes been up to, and probably thats because i ask...and sometimes it feels as if i really dont mind thats shes seeing other people at all...and then othertimes i just want to shut down when i hear about it...and then somtimes it's the me seeming to not mind that really gets me down.Hearing about the ex-reader chick and knowing how much she probably thinks about her, considering her slightly obsessive nature, hearing about the red headed half-kiss, the John Lennon guy,the Parisian... i dunno...I mean there we were last week having a good laugh about the John Lennon guy and me telling her how silly she was for writing to the ex-reader chick about it while she was drunk and giving her general advice...and just talking..and at the time it was really great..but most of the time i dont even know how i really feel about it. Its just a kind of numbness i think...and i don't like it.I'd rather feel insanely jealous..or..i dunno..anything apart from fine with it one minute and sad about it the next..its a completley unstable place to be in...and yet if she didn't tell me stuff i don't know how i'd feel about that either.Cos if thats what shes up to then thats what there is to talk about and if we don't talk about that then what else is there really?..we'd just resort to the thing we have in common the most, which is each other and things we did together..which would just make us sad or something..the fact that it already feels so far away.

I just got annoyed last night when we were talking on line and she told me that i'd missed a great time at a party and followed it up with the fact that she'd pulled a black Parisian guy.Yeah, sounds like a brilliant party..i'm so upset i didn't go now...And then i just blocked it out and pretended that i hadn't read what she wrote and carried on talking about something else.

Why do i still cry when i write about this stuff?..i'm so stupid.

I miss affection and closeness and physical contact but i just dont feel as if i'd be able to recieve that from anyone right now.or give it on a stable regular basis..as much as i really want to. I miss cuddling and being cuddled, i miss warmth and skin and..happiness.

It feels like such an effort sometimes just to hold a decent conversation, and even if i'm joking and being funny, i don't necessarily feel in a happy funny mood.

Today there was someone sitting next to me in class,a girl,i hadn't even seen who she was but her hand was sitting in a position which just looked like it was waiting to be held and for a tiny second i thought it would be nice,just to take her hand...thankfully that went away though cos can you imagine the reaction?! As it turned out she was the kinda annoying very intelligent Irish girl from the year below me and so no I would not in fact want to hold her hand ever, but i get like that sometimes.Sometimes i just want to be held,or feel someone's touch..and sometimes, but rarely, I really want to be kissed,and although it only comes very rarely it's strong when it's there.It's not directed towards anyone though, and i wouldn't really want it to be.But i dunno..if the opportunity actually arose i probably wouldn't take it.Like the last couple of times i've been out...opportunities were there if i'd really wanted them...but i just felt weird and kinda ill and there is no way that i could have done anything with anyone.If i did kiss someone I'd probably burst out in tears at the mstraight after, if not during, and that isn't a good thing...then i might be sick...or thats how i feel when i think about it.

And sometimes i think about getting back together with Levi...and that maybe i can't think of doing anything with anyone else because i just miss her.But i don't think i think thats really what we should do, because, like i said..i'm unstable emotionally right now and can't really say what it is that i want..i'd only end up messing us both around again..and then there's the whole non-interest in sex thing...so it's not really a viable idea.Not that i'm even assuming that she would take me back anyway.

Maybe i can't think of anyone else because i'm still worried about hurting her again or more, or maybe it's because of the whole sexuality confusion thing..i feel as if whatever i do next is somehow very important in a really scary way and its something that i'm just not ready to face yet. It's like i discussed with the councillor weeks back,as much as i miss being with someone,as much as i want to be close to someone and am really really lonely, i have this huge big barrier up around me as if i need to protect someone or something,whether its myself or someone else i don't know... At least Levi is going out and trying things again and having some fun at the same time,even if she's not totally happy(which i wish she could be, and i wish i could make possible again), like she was saying last night..at least I think, or hope, that while she's out and trying being with different people she's at least having fun at the time...i don't know, this is all coming out wrong and i don't really know what it is that im trying to say.

I guess i'm scared of messing things up,i miss the closeness i had with Levi so much, but when she's saying things and teasing about having cuddles I can't tell her that i miss it too because wouldn't that be confusing and kind of wrong..and besides, while i somtimes miss it so so much,there are other times when that part of me is just so switched off...and so it depends what mood i'm in right at that moment and then it's misleading for both of us and so maybe it would be better just to not think about it at all, which is what i mostly try to do..

I just want to stop thinking about it all...not even consciously thinking about it..it's just that its always always there like a continous stream of consiousness on the same subject..and i just want it to stop...yeah so last night i just sat and silently cried my eyes out at the other end of the phone. She knew i was crying but i'm getting better at keeping it down to sounding like a runny nose..it was horrible.

In other news my driving lessons are going really well, I'm parallel parking and driving about and my instructor seems happy and i just need to get the reversing round a corner down...i have 14 more hours of practice between now and christmas which is pretty much when my test is.

Tomorrow night we're filming the gig for our music video..i'm looking forward to it i think.Filming is one of the only things that takes my mind off things...and tomorrows our final session..which is good and bad, cos i'll miss the camera work..We're having a night out after it, so i just hope i'm feeling allright tomorrow night at least, since its our filming wrap party and all..still all the editing to go though.Yeah, so if anyone will be in the west end of Glasgow and wants to come to a free gig and possibly be in a tiny bit of a video, drop me an email @ [email protected] and i'll let you know the details....