I don't know what to say, or what i came here to say.

I wish i could make the pain go away, make it all better,make us both ok..but i can't.

I can't stand the thought of having hurt her,her tears,the last time i saw her, the things that i said which must have sounded so cold and distant. There were so many things that i wanted to say, but they wouldn't have changed how either of us were feeling.

I can't explain any of this, no matter how much i try to.I wish i could make her see that it's not her fault.I can't say that enough, it's not anything that she did or didn't do, said or didn't say, and no matter what i write here or say to her i will never be able to say how much this hurts,how difficult this is, how much i wish i could change it, how i would give anything to change it. But i can't, it's not that i don't want to because i do so much, i just know that i can't.

I don't feel like myself at all, it feels like someone else has done all of this, said all of this.I just so wish that i could be there for her, that we could be there for each other and it hurts so much to think of not seeing her, not hearing what she's thinking or how she's feeling and i know that all of this sounds stupid because it was me who decided, and i know that i don't have the right to feel a lot of this because it's my fault, but i still care about her so much, so deeply and i will never be able to explain it to her.

I don't understand how i came to this,how i changed how i could have done this...I'm not going to write anything else because I know that she will probably read this and there is nothing that i can say that will make this better.

I hate myself for having done this. I have never felt pain like this before and I am so so sorry.

I can't stand the thought of us not being in each others lives in any way.. but i don't know if she will or can let me or if it would be too much to hope for... and all of this is stuff which i should be saying to her..not writing here, but it's all that i can do.

I'm just so sorry and i wish i could explain.

there just aren't words