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Round and round

2010-03-25 - 4:43 p.m.


I just want to be past it and over it. It's a funny one. I've never done the whole not talking at all after a break up. No contact, no phone calls, no texts, emails, msn messages. Especially when we're in the same building every single day. Yesterday we stood 5 feet from each other and didn't even make eye contact. And it's odd. I'm angry as he never put me first, at the same time I can't say that he's a bad guy, he's not otherwise why would I care? We're just different, from different backgrounds. And you can't be angry at someone who just wants different things from a relationship, from life. It's not like he ever pretended that it was something it wasn't. It would be worse if he said he loved me and didn't mean it, but he never said it, and I always knew. So it's not like I've lost him, instead I never really had him, and it's strange to know that. It's a new type of breakup and a new type of feeling. At the same time there was just enough in common to make it really good when it was good.

I'm impatient to be over it and to move on. I want that day when I wake up and the first thing on my mind is something entirely different. I know it's only been 4 days but that's just how I feel and at least I've been rational enough to completely skip that stage where you can't look at anything that reminds you of that person. I'm still wearing my pashimina, still using my leather gloves. If I have to see him around anyway then what do those things matter? If we didn't work in the same place and have some of the same friends and if I never had to see him again I *think* that would almost be ok. But at the same time who can say, maybe it's because I know he's still around that it all feels like he's just gone on holiday or something. On the other hand I'm relieved that I don't have to wonder whether I'll hear from him, whether he's thinking about me, whether he's made other plans that are just going to piss me off. I don't need to think about it anymore. If only I didn't have to give his stuff back then maybe it would feel better. Because as strong and as ok as I might feel when I think about it all rationally, actually doing that final thing will still upset me and I want to just be ok about it. But I guess it has to be done.

I don't know how it's going to be down the line, I'd love to say that we could be mates, and maybe we always should just have been mates, but you just can't know at this stage can you? Could I be in the same room and hang out and not want to kiss him? And when he starts seeing someone else I don't want to be that overly friendly ex girlfriend, hanging around, making things akward. I've been there before and it's far from easy. And when he does fall in love with someone, which he will�and I really hope that he does because it will change his life and he'll finally realise what he's been missing out on. It's a shame that he's going to be 28 and has never felt strongly enough about anyone to tell them that he loves them. It makes me sad for him, I want him to know how amazing it feels.

I need to give his stuff back tomorrow, I have his walking boots and he needs them for the weekend. He said he could come round to get them tonight and I almost thought that would be ok, until I actually thought about it. I've said I have plans which means I'll need to bring his stuff in tomorrow. He said he has my hairdryer, the one I kept at his. I was thinking about how best to do it. A friend suggested leaving the stuff at my desk and asking him to pick it up while I'm at lunch. That feels so brutal and ridiculous but maybe she's right. What is anything else going to achieve but akwardness and sadness, on my part anyway. I was feeling really sad thinking about it, then got a reply to my email just saying ' Cool, I'll try to remember to bring the hair dryer tomorrow'. Try. Try? I'm sitting worrying about it and maybe he won't even remember it's happening. Why did I still expect anything else? I need to stop being an idiot about this and just let myself feel angry and stop making excuses for him. Maybe I should just 'forget' to bring his boots. But it's just not me. It's not me to fall out with people. It's not me to just stop caring. But it's also not me that there's a problem with here- and I need to remember that and stay strong and all those other 'sisterhood' type things. But it's starting to set in that this time it's really over. And part of me still wants him and I have no idea why.

Round and round in circles.

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