We had a conversation last night online that went on for hours. I didn�t want to go to bed at the end of it and only finally did because i heard a light go on in my parents room and someone getting up at around 3 a.m. It was a great conversation and so very sad all at once. There we were talking away about what had happened with the �fish�. I was telling her what i would have written in my update from yesterday ..that there�s this sick kind of curiosity....there�s a part of me that wanted to ask what it was like,how it happened,where they were,how it felt to kiss someone different after all this time....but at the same time i really really really don�t want to know..it makes me feel sick just to think about it and incredibly sad. That i�m no longer the last person to have touched her lips or held her. No longer the only girl she�s kissed. And that i�ve pushed her so far away that she has to turn to someone else. It�s a really shit feeling...but i�m trying my hardest to just not think about it and make it just go away, as if it�s not real...it�s just one of the conversations we�ve always had about people she went out with before me..and i�m just being melodramatic because what else did i expect to happen if we split up?I don�t really see what i did think would happen...i didn�t imagine that i would be happier this way,so what the hell was i thinking? who knows.

We talked about other things too..about how all of this in some way seems necessary,as if it had to happen..All of this somehow seemed ok late last night, talking, bonding, laughing..those conversations usually lead to something good...and i suppose this should lead to something good..healing or ..something. And it somehow even seemed ok to think about us losing touch..what will be will be and all that...and that everything happens for a reason.But then she was talking about how we would probably both go our seperate ways and what we�d be doing.. and i had to stop her...i just couldn�t think about it and i can�t think about it right now..There�s just this huge sadness about it all that is too immense for me to cope with...its all the things that happen between now and then...how i�m happy that the fish is gone for a year because there is no way that i could hear her talk about going out with someone else..and can i really see us sitting ,having a drink, talking about the latest night out with our separate friends.. other guys or girls...I know i have to not think like this, to take one day at a time and that it will all be ok, in the end, because if its not ok then its not the end...but i guess i should save the all this for the therapy honey eh?!

We planned that if we did lose touch then we�d meet up in 6 years in Toronto..on the exact date and time that we left Canada, where i worked...pick up where we left off...it was fun, planning it..talking about where we should write it down so that we�d remember...where we should meet and even how expensive the tickets would be at different times of year...

All of this somehow seemed ok last night. But i knew that i didn't want to go to bed because it might not all seem ok in the morning..and true enough..i�ve been a bit up and down today.

because in some ways,we were sitting there...getting excited and bonding and having this great conversation...and at the same time...planning to not know each other.

and how much does that mess with your head?

And as much as i know that this is all ok, that it will all be ok..i guess i just want it to be ok now because there�s so much pain in amongst everything else and i think i�m finding that i�m just not good with pain.

Anyway..enough of the self-conscious, �i�m so messed up� talk..i know its wearing thin but i�m just used to spilling my brain out here,otherwise it might spill out elsewhere..which could be messy...besides i have a dissertation i should be writing....