So since about 2 weeks ago when we decided that we weren't going to talk to each other again for a while and that she wasn't going to call me anymore..we have actually talked quite a lot. Not intentionally but anyway..we did well with it for a week but this week...well i'll get to that.

The whole not talking thing came about because of the mess i realised i was in on New Years eve..I went to a party with C.A at one of her friends houses..i knew a couple of people there and everything was good and fine.I'd had a good cry earlier in the night after Levi had called to say to have a good new year. I thought that maybe if i got it all out of my system before i went out then things would be ok and i wouldn't think about how it was the first time that i could have been with her at midnight in the whole time we have known each other.That i wouldn't be going to her big family party.Or that she has a new girlfriend.Or that i don't.Or about anything else that had made this year shit.

And they were for a while,ok i mean...but there were house-party sized measures of vodka being poured...and we were drinking..and midnight came and everything was good.I was happy-drunk and everyone else was happy-drunk and there were hugs and 'happy new years' all round.There were some joints going around and other people were getting happy-high-i don't smoke and wasnt tempted too..but i probably inhaled far too much from other people's smoke anyway..who knows.

Next thing i remember i'm leaning on C.A's shoulder and she's hugging me and i'm crying..i couldn't hear what she was saying at all because of the noise from everyone else in the room..but it was in soothing tones and so i nodded my head into her arm and continued being hugged.I think i kissed her on the cheek and maybe freaked her out a bit although i completely didnt' mean anything by it at all.I think/hope she knew that and that i wasn't suggesting anything purely because she's been a bit interested in girls lately.I'm not interested in her like that and do not expect her to be interested in me.

She went to get me some water and her sister came and took me into a bedroom.until then i'd just been a bit weepy.I don't remember much of the crying-how long it went on for-what i was saying, if i was saying anything.All i remember is that it was really painful-like i say i don't rememberanything else about what i was thinking or doing apart from sitting on the edge of this bed with my head in my hands-crying like i hadn't done since the weeks just after we split up.If not worse-it was like some fundamental core emotion or fear or pain had been tapped into..it was just so..deep.that's the only way i can explain it.

So anyway i slept for a while and got up about 4.45 and threw the rest of my drink down the sink and filled the glass with water 2 or 3 times and drank.Then me and C.A and her brother got in a taxi and they dropped me off at my house.around 5.45.a.m. C.A told me later that her brother-who was staying with her that night-had said that he'd sleep in the kitchen instead of her room.When she asked why she realised that he thought that she was taking me home..with her..as in...ahem..anyway.She told him no and laughed at him and i got out at my house.I was sobered up enough by this point anyway that nothing was going to happen with anyone..let alone one of my best friends!

So yeah-i had the most dreadful hangover all day on new years day.And then i wasn't well on the 2nd cos i woke up at 6.15 a.m with stomach cramp which lasted all day.

The next time i talked to Levi was online and then she called for a chat. Which ended up with me crying again and deciding that she shouldnt call me anymore and that we shouldnt talk.She has a new girlfriend now and eventhough i dont want us to get back together..its still hard to deal with..especially since its just in her nature to talk about whoever she's with..even if she tries not to.We've been here before and the idea that we've gone full circle has something sad about it. She agreed that i needed time to just get myself together and that was fine.Of course after getting off the phone to her that painful whatever-it-was from new year's eve showed up again and by the time i got to sleep around 6 a.m and then got up the next day sometime around 10.30 my eyes were the size of water-melons and i looked like i'd been punched.That was not an enjoyable day.at all.

But since then seems thing to have gotten a bit better.Partly because i've just been really busy with uni work.Term started.3 new reading lists to get through.A whole load of revision to be done and more hours actually in class.Which is a good thing for me i think..although finals coming up is not a good thing..but still.

Yeah so we didn't talk for a week and then something happened ..i can't even remember what now..and we ended up talking online.I think it was that paris thing i wrote about in my last entry.And yeah i felt shit about it.That we always wanted to go to paris together but never could cos i was working.And that now she was going and stuff to see someone else.But i had the essay to get on with..and i got on with it and i was ok.

We talked for hours on the phone the other night though..the last couple of nights actually-about all sorts of things-but it managed not to get too heavy-and i didnt cry about anything-and we spent a lot of time laughing and things were good.Eventhough she does talk about her new girlfriend a lot.Maybe i'm ok with it because i know shes in France and not actually here and they're not actually seeing each other..i dunno.Maybe it would be different if she were here and i had to hear her say that she was going out with her,or had been out with her on whatever night,to whatever place.Or worse,that i might bump into them somewhere.hmm.I have to get a name for this new girlfriend..i dunno what she's calling her these days..but it won't still be the ex-reader-chick anyway.i know that much.

So we're ok talking on the phone it seems.I still dont think i'd be ok seeing her..but i think thats because when you talk on the phone its all friends kinda stuff anyway..and that's what we did before. But seeing someone is different...the lack of whatever was there before..eg. the physical contact and eye contact and looks and touches are all so much more evident in person than just missing out a few words here and there on the phone.And i think shes right when she says that the mess of me isn't really all to do with her anymore. I think i just associate such a bad time of my life with the time that we split up..subconsiously or whatever and so it acts as a trigger to all these feelings whenever i think about her and us.Or her being with someone else.

My 21st is coming up and i don't know if i'm even going to do anything for it thats not just a family thing.I only have about 2 friends who would come to it anyway. And then there's Levi-i'd feel rubbish if she wasnt there-but then there's the chance that i'd feel bad if she was there too.Its going to be a difficult enough week anyway..from Saturday to Saturday what with valentines day..(which my mother so kindy reminded us all tonight would be the first time we hadn't been working for it in 5 years..)and 2 big essays to hand in on the 16th and 18th and then my birthday on the 19th.Hopefully the essays will take my mind off things and i'll just get right into the work.

From starting this entry off saying i was feeling better to now when i've made myself feel a bit crap again this entry hasn't been as uplifting as i had hoped.It's probably not helped by the 'Ghost' soundtrack coming from the t.v in my mum's room mind you.

Ah well i'll finish off with a list of questions that have been in my head-a kind of sick curiosty-questions that i don't want answered..i don't spend ages thinking about them and i don't dwell on them..they just pop up now and then..they don't particularly depress me either..but anyway..

What is it like to sleep with someone else?

Was it weird the first time?

Didn't you think it was too soon?not after us..but just in the relationship?

Was it..the clich�..good?

Do you do things that we used to do?

Did she discover that place that makes you tickle and shiver and squirm and smile that way you do if you run your finger over it?

Did she discover the place you like kissed best..and how it likes to be kissed?

Or are there new things that are good and different?

Is there a possibility that she could read this in which case i'm giving her helpful hints..lol.if you're reading i'd like to know.It's only fair.

Do you talk to her about me like you talk to me about her?

Does she know that we kissed on your birthday?

Does she know about all the nonsense i put you through?

Does she know intimate things about us?There are some things that shouldn't be shared...apart from the fact that she used to be a reader..in which case she knows a hell of a lot more than she needs to anyway.

I apologise for calling her 'she' all the time..obviously can't use her real name and it's way too freaky interms of the only other girl i ever liked being called the same anyway.

Is it weird being with someone who's hair is shorter than yours?

ugh..there are probably lots of others, but i think thats enough for now..like i say..they just come into my head and go away again occasionaly..like if i see people kissing on tv or whatever.i don't spend a major part of my day thinking about it and i've had over an hour writing this entry to remind me of them..

Anyway..in a funny way i feel slightly better again..i better get back to reading..Plato and Nietzsche tonight..joy!..then bed.I have a blood test first thing in the morning. My doctor said he wants to give me a full M.O.T.

maybe they'll find that i need some replacement parts.

lol

man this entry is long.