ok i'm in the library working on my dissertation(trying to) and just taking a wee break.

Tomorrow i will join the realms of people in therapy.I finally made an appointment to go and see a councillor,one of the uni ones.I felt so silly and melodramamtic calling them last wednesday.I felt like i should be on some bad soap opera... i actually picked up the phone dialled the first 3 numbers and then started crying and hung up.Then i went for a shower..procrastinated for a while,trying to put on makeup while crying...which just doesn't work..then finally called again and made an appointment with a very sympathetic sounding receptionist.Then i went for a swedish massage which my mum had given me gift vouchers for..it was lovely and relaxing although i felt like crying half way through it again...don't ask..it was great so why was i crying?..the only thing that makes sense right now is the fact that nothing makes sense.

So yeah..i don't have a clue what i'm going to say to councillor person tomorrow...i feel so silly for even going.I feel like i'm trying to make a big deal out of this...people have problems..they have their little crisises..they break up with people and they get over themselves and get on with things.Why should i be any different...why does this mean that i must be depressed or something?

i mean what problems to i actually have to be depressed about?...i don't know..i'm in one of my 'what the fuck are you going to councilling for?' moods right now...give me an hour or 2..or maybe just 20 minutes and i could be in a 'god i so need to talk to someone' and crying mood.It seems to swing between the 2.mostly.

Sometimes i feel like i just read a list of depression symptoms and am trying to apply them to myself,like its an excuse for making such a mess of things..other times i think what actually happened was i read a list of depression symptoms and recognised a lot of them in myself.

I don't even know.What a mess.

Things with Levi are great and strange.We are so close to one another right now..in a way everything feels exactly the same and very different all at once.We still see each other and talk a lot...online..on the phone and i really really enjoy our time together...i look forward to seeing her..to hearing from her.All of which messes me up in some way too, because if things are so great then why shouldn't we be back together?and is that what i want anyway..what either of us wants? Yes and no..i think i've suceeded in confusing her immensley too.

I still love her so much..and in a way i love the way we are with each other right now..but everything feels so temporary. I think shes right in her entry where she says that she feels like i'm holding on to her incase she disappears.I know that she's not my girlfriend anymore..and that that was my decision (although i still can't understand it..why i decided...i feel like someone has reached into me and pulled some switch and just switched parts of me off...and other parts on to hyper-sensitive mode at the same time)and i really want her to be happy.If that means exploring things and seeing other people then that should be a good thing, and i thought i'd be ok with that...and thats probably what i should do or want to do too...but its not what i want to do..and i don't know if i am ok with it.Last night she told me about how she'd been out and messing about with someone and i was teasing her about it (as i have been for the past week or so) and everything was fine until we started talking about how they'd come into the realms of a potential 'fish' (read her entry if you're getting confused!)and i suddenly felt really sick and..you guessed it started crying (do i do anything else these days?)

ugh

what a mess indeed.

so yeah tomorrow i'm going to see the councillor.I told my mum about it and she said she thought it was a good idea.She thinks i'm depressed..she thinks i has to do with a lot of other things apart from the break up...she's right on all acounts.

I still feel silly though..i don't know what to say...i mean when they ask me why i'm there..cos i've thought about so many things and written lists and everything..where do i start?

i broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years,3 months and 3 weeks.i still really love her and we get on really well.we still see lots of each other.i don't know why i broke up with her but now neither of us really thinks its a good idea to get back together and don't know if we really want to anyway.It could be because i don't know if i'm gay or straight.I'm not attracted to anyone.i have no sexual feelings.i have difficulty reaching orgasm even if the sex is great.i don't seem to enjoy anything anymore.i don't really like people.i don't make friends easily and when i do have them i don't really care whether i see them or not.I don't take enjoyment from many things. I don't really like my course but i don't hate it.I feel like i'm completely indifferent to everything around me and now it has affected the one thing i cared and still care about most in the world..my relationship with levi.i think i have issues about being gay.i also have issues about being straight.i'm sleeping all the time..like actually.i can't be on my own for any length of time without thinking about everything and getting in a state.my concentration is affected.i have a dissertation due in in 24 days and its not really started and i'm not really even panicking about it...which i should be.i have issues with my family.guilt.issues with my religion.guilt.i don't really like my dad.i think i'm scared of him..there are reasons for this. i feel inferior to my elder sister. i feel like a mother to my younger sister. i have issues about having seen or witnessed my little sister touching herself which i'm sure has impacted on my own thoughts and feelings about sex.duty.family business.being a good daughter.probably underlying guilt about all the times i've lied to my parents about my relationship with levi.i don't have any goals.any ambitions.eventhough i know that things are kind of all ok and will all be ok i have recurrent feelings of panic or extreme sadness that creep up on me out of nowhere,cause a really heavy cold feeling in my chest and make me cry. and and the ultimate melodramatic statement -i don't know who i am as a person.

There are other things but i can't think of them right now..and if i started then i could be here for quite possibly ever.

and this 'little break' is also getting too long to be little and it'll soon be time to go home...meanwhile what i should be doing is working on the dissertation that i want to do well in because it would be embarassing and stupid not too..but that i'm not panicking about and should be..and now i want to fall asleep...

and shit even if i do feel stupid, i need to talk to someone.