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so,20....

2003-02-19 - 1:12 a.m.

Well,tomorrow...or today i s'pose now that it's 1 am, i will be 20.

i find this very bizzare, kinda sad and slightly amusing.

Bizzare because somehow you never think you're gonna make it to 20...and because 20 doesn't seem like a real age...don't ask me why it just doesn't. Amusing because in some way the change from today to tomorrow is supposed to make me some kind of adult or something.I think i'm never going to get any older than 17,18 maybe, mentally this is.That's the age i'm going to stick myself at.So there.

And sad because i will never ever ever again be a teenager.

I don't know if i would have done anything differently.There are 2 sides to that argument i s'pose...maybe i should have been more adventurous, done more with the teenage years and all that..or maybe i should have been a better kid.I dunno.The way i'm talking you'd think i was tunring 90 or something but I was always one of those kids who never wanted to grow up, my diaries from when i was 9,10,11 are full of agonising entries at around this time of year...talking about how i'm gonna be another year older and how i didn't want it to happen. In some way i always felt kinda sorry for my mum as well as myself, because i would get a kinda sad vibe from her..that i was growing up so fast, like slipping away from her...wether that was real or imagined i dunno, but it was always there.

So tomorrow is kinda big i s'pose.

It doesn't seem as if it's actually happening though. I dont know in some way i've set myself up as if it isn't actually my birthday tomorrow but on Thursday...because i have this presentation to do on Thursday and until thats over i shouldn't celebrate or something. Only problem is that once the presentations over my birthday will be over too so then there's really nothing to celebrate about.

The original idea was to not really do anything tomorrow so i could work on my presentation and things and then do something on thursday. But now i'm going out for lunch with my mum and sister(s?) and then doing something with Levi tomorrow night which is as yet unrevealed. We're not making a big night of it though because i want to be in bed at a decent time and things.

I've also decided that this year i'm not inviting friends out for a big night out, because i can't be bothered with another year of them not showing up and not even bothering to make excuses...Levi thinks i'm being silly and maybe she's right,but i just don't want to go through it all again.I know that there are some people who would turn up and i don't mean to insult them,but i also know that there are a lot more people who just wouldn't bother, but let me think that they were coming until i'm sitting in a bar somewhere with less than half the people i expected ,having told them all that loads of people will be coming out and that they'll be here any minute.

Not this year.

hmmm

yeah so then i feel kinda silly about doing something on Thursday aswell because i feel as if there isn't really a point...doing stuff tomorrow should be enough right?Since it's gonna be just me and levi both nights...which is great because i can rely on her to be there and to provide an excellent night, but having 2 birthday nights is something you should do if you're having a 'family'/'girlfriend' one and a 'friends' one or something.

Anyway i don't really know what i'm talking about anymore.

I have this presentation to get on with and it half past 1 in the morning and i don't have very much written.I don't really want to be worrying about it all day tomorrow either and i won't have time to do any work on it on thursday because i'll be filming in the studio all day (yes i am actually starting to feel like a bit of a proper film student now that we're into writing, filming, directing and all that..it's pretty cool actually) so i better go and get some stuff done now.

Even if it is just a bunch of poorly disguised plagiarism.

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