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speechless

2001-07-30 - 5:04 p.m.

I left work at lunch time and walked along the street towards the subway...where i met my little sister now she's only 12 so i don't have a clue what she was doing there on her own..nevermind, she wanted to come shopping with me,the only thing was I was s'posed to be meeting Levi there too...so anyway Levi turned up and my little sister tagged along behind us not thinking twice about the conversation me and Levi were having about us,about our relationship about how we argue all the time,about everything.

I can't even remember everything that was said but we ended up sitting down near the train station and i was on the verge of tears..my lil sis was away looking in a shop but i could still see her...

I asked Levi if she still loved me...she didn't even have to think about it,she said no.

No.

I felt the breath get knocked out of me with that one word.

She said it was over,that she couldn't love me anymore.she was sorry.it's just not working out any longer. because we've both changed.

She had to go.She had to be somewhere else. She couldn't talk to me right now.

I sat there staring at her,unable to talk or think, something inside me dying.All i could see were the tears,my own tears...and the pain the pain right in the middle of my chest,spreading to every part of me.

I felt so sick,physically sick like I've only ever been maybe once or twice before.

She got up and started to walk away and i followed her .

Clinging to her arm,begging here for another chance,asking if we could start again.

Pleading with her through the tears,babblling about all we've been through together about everything that we'd managed to get through about how she couldn't just give up.Not on Us because we are something so special and she means the world..screaming that i loved her and not caring who could hear..not caring that we were in the middle of a train station and that my little sister had come out of the shop and was following us again...

She just turned to me...a hint of sadness in her eyes and said she was sorry.

Sorry but she couldn't do this anymore.

She doesn't love me.

**********************************************************************************************************

That was the night before last and I'm so glad i woke up after that,right at the point where i felt ready to give up on life, i woke up in tears and realised that i'd been dreaming.

In a cold sweat,crying.

It felt so god damn real so so real that i feel sick even thinking about it right now.

I never ever want that dream to come true,ever.

Talk about facing you innermost fears in your dreams.

If there is one thing i fear most it's losing her.

And if there was one good thing about it it's the way it made me realise exactly how much she means to me again.because i would be

nothing

without her.

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