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2001-04-13 - 8:58 p.m.

Last night right before going to bed i asked my mother what was wrong..she said she wasn't happy...i said should we talk about it..she said tomorrow,which was today.

So we talked..she thinks I'm being selfish..not even trying to help the situation,stubborn...she said i wasn't trying to help them..I said she wasn't trying to help me.She didn't understand.

She asked me again about taking a break from it.I said i couldn't...she asked if i could at least try.I told her yes...i could lie to them again...tell them i was trying if that's what they want...even if i were to really try i'd still be lying to them,and to me.She asked why i couldn't do that.She doesn't see that i'd be lying even more that way.

She asked if it was infatuation..told me about a friend at school who came on to her once...i said infatuation dissapears before a year is out.She talked about how being close to someone can be confusing and how she could have been confused with the way that girl acted...i asked her if she found that girl attractive,she said no...I said

exactly.

She spoke about how i was the one causing all the pain,how i was controlling the situation,i said i couldn't control it..she argued that i was causing the problem,i argued that they were.

She talked about how this new statistic of me being 98% sure seemed to have come from nowhere,i reminded her that the last time we talked was 4 or 5 months ago.She said she felt stupid or tricked because all this time she wanted to believe that it was just a phase..i never said it was a phase...she knows,but still..she hoped....

She mentioned religion and how men were made for women etc...i said fine I'll stop going to church...she knows how much religion means to me.

She talked about how a woman with another woman is never mentioned in the Bible...i said if she wanted to be specific about it,it is mentioned and we all get eternally damned..but she knows as well as i do that there are a lot of things in the Bible which netiher of us agree with and to nit-pick about this would be hypocritical.

She gets annoyed about the way i can argue back with everything she says.I don't mean to..its just that a perfectly logical explanation for things comes into my head..and there's no reason not to say it.

It was a conversation though..not a screaming match.We sat and talked.It was good in a way.But weird.

I was in 2 worlds again..the one sitting talking to her and the other one that could get so lost in the film that was on television that i would forget where i was for a moment.It's like when i was telling my dad...one part of me was there...the other was busy building a sculpture out of the tissues i was using to dry my tears.She talked again about how i'm so young and have i really thought about it.

She said that the world is making it easier and easier for people like us...i got a bit angry..and asked if that was a bad thing...she said yes...we're not meant to be like this..it's wrong and people shouldn't accept it.......

So i told her.

I told her that everyone seems to think that i haven't given this any thought and that you don't spend a year of your life doing something and never think about it.I told her about how she would hang it over my head..saying that she'd tell my dad whenever things got bad for her.I reminded her that at 17 she met my dad,at 18 she got engaged,at 19 she got married.How was this any different? She said that she didn't dispute that i know my own mind..it's just to make a decision like this is a big thing...i said so is getting married.She said this was different.

She said if this was like my final say on it then she didn't think she'd be able to accept it...Levi isn't to call here or come over...i can't expect them to be ok with that....I asked her then if she basically wanted to go back to not knowing..not knowing who i'm with..where i am...what i'm doing.

She said she'd have to know where i was incase something happened to me.I asked if that was it.Didn't she want herself and my dad to know so that i wasn't lying to them anymore?Wasn't that the idea.

She said she didn't know how my dad was going to take this...said she could see him going into depression already...said she was more depressed now than she has been at all over the last year because until now she thought there was a chance that i could change...she said she didn't think she would accept it,and why couldn't i at least try,after all the sacrifices they'd made for me over the years why can't i do this one thing for them.I explained that it would just get their hopes up and then it would be worse when they had to realise again that i hadn't changed.

She asked me if i had enough money to move out.I said is that what she wanted me to do?...she said no...But if i couldn't even try....and if they couldn't accept it then...i said if i got a proper job with proper pay....she said that would be leaving them in a mess again then wouldn't it.I said i couldn't afford it otherwise and if that's what they wanted then i wouldn't be able to do it without another job.

she brought up the subject of my little sister...how am i going to deal with it..when are they supposed to tell her?

She's going to an all girls school next year..my old school(and no that is not what turned me)It'll cause problems for her...she has enough problems at school without people bullying her because her sister's a dyke.

That is one of MY biggest problems with this.I don't know what to do about it.I really don't.

I want to go and stay with the boy...but i don't know if she'll just get mad if i suggest it.

Levi isn't even in Scotland.I wish she were here.

But through all of that i didn't cry.

I stayed strong.

Just like you told me to.

I stayed strong.

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