everything is so surreal..that is the only way that i can describe what's going on right now.

Pain and tears and not eating and not being able to eat and endlessley talking to people..anyone who would listen,trying to explain what i'm feeling or thinking when i don't even know myself...thats how it was 2 weeks ago...and then thinking and writing (not here) and thinking more and still not coming up with the answers but somehow feeling that everything would be ok...somehow..together or not together or together in some combination, as friends as a couple...as anything but really apart.I don't ever want to be really apart from her-to not know if something important is going on-to not be here if she needs me, because i still care for her so so deeply, in so many ways...

I haven't been writing here because i haven't really known what to say..i wanted to give her space to write, to think, to feel.

And then I saw her on Thursday.I didn't know what to expect in a way..we'd both been talking on the phone..online and things had been good...and i'd read her entries here about how maybe the was a good thing..and maybe we should both take the time to find oursleves and if in the process we found ourselves together again then that was good..and if not well then that would be ok too...and then Thursday night happened.And i don't know what to think..i'm possibly even more confused than i was before.We were chatting and it was good and then it got to that stage of the night when we'd ususally cuddle up...and she held out her arms...and i thought about it for a second and was weak.I really wanted that cuddle..i really missed feeling myself in her arms and feeling her in mine, so i cuddled her and it wasn't in a friend way.It felt good...and we just lay like that talking and watching tv.And as we cuddled we were talking about how we weren't going to get back together and that it was probably a good thing and that we could be just friends and it would be ok..

and then she started kissing my neck.

Even as it was happening we were saying that it shouldn't be. That we weren't together and that it didn't mean we were getting back together.

It felt so good and so right and so wrong all at once.And she kept telling me to just do what i felt. To stop thinking and just act. To stop thinking about what it meant and how we would feel afterwards and to stop feeling guilty... and so i did

We didn't kiss for a long time..i didn't know whether we should..whether i wanted to and then we did and it was good and we had both missed it and for a while it was nice to have that back. To have each other back, to feel one another and to make each other happy.To make each other feel better- about each other and about ourselves.

As she's already written in her entry,it was good. It was making love. And it didn't feel wrong afterwards- not in the sense that you regret it-that you wish it had never happened.But in some ways it felt so very wrong-thinking about it when i finally left at 3 am after endless hugs and kisses...and talking and agreeing that we weren't back together.i felt so bad because if and when it happened..if and when we kissed again i wanted it to be because we were back together..and when we made love, because we were really in love...but i pushed all aside and tried to do what she had said and not think..so i came home and went to bed

and didn't think.

And then on Friday night we went to the Skin gig (which was the most amazing-sexual-hot and..amazing gig ever) and we had a great time in Edinburgh..just being..well..friends..more affectionate than normal friends but still just friends.I felt kinda bad about being at the gig with her because Skin is her 'getting over me' music...and all the lyrics are so emotionally charged with feelings that i know i would have if i were her..that in some ways i do have too.. but still...

And then we came back to the car and ended up kissing again...

and then she came to my sisters leaving party and...we ended up kissing again.Eventhough i've told her that we shouldn't..that it has to stop..that we should make a real effort not to..but it's all so confusing. Sometimes i do want to kiss her and then other times..i don't.And it's horrible because when she kisses me i can feel her love...and i don't want her to not feel that in return..i don't want her to feel how distant i might be..i want to be able to put as much into it as she is..and sometimes i just can't.I'm not one of those people that can get off with random people..at clubs or parties or whatever.I did that once and felt physically sick afterwards..so that doesn't count in my record of how many people i've ever kissed..and my grand total therefore come to 2. 1 was a crush that i had when i was 16..and the other is Levi...and kissing her has always been so full of complete and utter love..so full of myself. I don't like not feeling that when we kiss and i don't like that she must be feeling that too..that i'm not really there..it's not right. And no matter how much she says that it doesn't bother her..i know myself that it shouldn't be like that.

And she keeps telling me she loves me.And i want so much to say it back...

And eventhough we're 'not back together' in so many ways we almost are..but i can't help feeling that it's one sided..on her part, and that it shouldn't be like that..i don't want to feel as if i'm 'pretending'...and i felt so bad tonight when she went to kiss me..telling her not to...turning away..having her kiss me and not kissing back,or trying to and then giving in and then realising that it wasn't really what i wanted and turning away again...i don't want her to feel as if i'm leading her on..or confuse things even more,so i'm trying to be honest and tell her when i don't want something..like kissing...but it's difficult, because i want to make her happy...and i do love her...just not like she loves me...and it hurts, it hurts me to know that, and it hurts her to know that and it hurts me to know that it hurts her....

Its all so confused and messed up...and when we talk we are so honest with each other..about everything...about what we are feeling and what we're not..and what we should and shouldn't be doing...and how we both crave physical contact and how we've both gotten so used to cuddling and snuggling and touching that it's hard not to...and how maybe we could just be very affectionate friends...and how we should both go out and get off with other people and explore and find out who we are...and how that for as long as we're both here for each other that won't happen..but that we don't want to be without each other..even though we know that we shouldn't be with each other.....and so so so so many other things...

it' as if we're talking to other people about each other...only we're not

and it's confusing and right and wrong and good and bad and everything all at once

And we keep taking it one day at a time but no matter how hard i try ..the future always gets in the way of each 'day'...what we're doing to each other by doing this...what this means..

I don't want to hurt her anymore..but i don't want to hurt her even more in the long run by doing what we're doing right now..

I just don't know what the right thing is anymore

And i am going to go and see a councillor (something i've been talking about to levi for a while), even if all this stuff is stupid and 'normal'..even if all the lists i've made and writing i've done on paper isn't anything unusual..i need someone to tell me that..someone completely impartial..someone that doean't agree with me because they're a friend, or disagree with me because they're a parent and doing what they think is 'right' for me...

i don't know.

I know that we still need each other..i just don't know how we should deal with it..where to even begin...

and it's all so surreal