I'm so bored of being bored.

Finding it hard to be motivated, interested,anything but the way i am.

Essays to write, exam to sit, Christmas coming up, shopping to do and cards to write...not made a start on any of it yet.

I worry occasionally,get into a panic about not having started yet and then turn on the tv to flick through the 20 or so new channels that appeared last week, courtesy of the little box placed neatly on top of the tv set.Watch live coverage of Fame Academy or some other reality tv ..or the travel channel.

I started reading a novel that's on my reading list...pick it up now and then...find it interesting for as long as i'm reading it but then as soon as its closed i kinda forget about it..i used to enjoy reading.I used to read 2 or 3 books at a time..it's true then that having to do things ruins them,no pleasure in doing something you've been told to do by Professor somebody.

I wish i was really good at something,i mean really.

When i was at school i played the violin, never as good as my sister..never got the same solos,entered into the competitions,got those show stopping pieces to play. I always looked forward to being able to play certain pieces that i'd heard her play...but by the time i got to that stage my teacher had lost some of her motivation and her health wasn't as good as it used to be. So she stopped taking part in the competitions...and gave up on pieces much faster if there was a struggle to play them right...and i didn't get to try out for the same orchestras as she had at the same age.I always thought it was because of the teacher..but considering that she's still teaching and her students are still playing the same amazing pieces and going to the same orchestras i guess it was just me. I never quite reached the 'great' stage the same as big sis.

Then when i was 14, teachers discovered that i could sing,and act.And so i did. I had the lead in the one and only musical that the school ever put on while i was there....and there haven't been any since then. My photograph is still in the school hall, although none of the pupils know who i am anymore.14 was when i started becoming more confident, talking out more,being someone. It was also the age when i started thinking.... about liking girls...so i became someone and no-one all at once.A new confident person in terms of singing,acting,public speaking, winning competitions...and a side of me that no one knew about developed alongside..making it easy for people to know my name but hard for them to know me.

Then i left school,i had to leave orchestra,my violin lessons,singing,drama. Things got complicated at the same time..as all of the external side was left behind, disappeared the other side of me was brought out and a lot of the people who mattered to me didn't like it...all of that being about the same time as i started writing here. I lost a lot of confidence then i think...i've never thought about it before right now but i think it's true. I went to uni and was scared of people knowing the real me and not liking it, so i didn't talk to them, i didn't join any clubs, i didn't carry on with singing or acting or any of that.And then things were complicated even more by the family business...no time to start new things because i probably wouldn't be able to keep up with them anyway. So may things are done over weekends,at nights, at Christmas,new year ..or any other time that a restaurant is typically busy.

So since then i haven't done anything.I don't have anything to sing for anymore, so i only sing by-myself, in my room or when people are out..i mean sure i bug the hell of out of my family with walking around humming tunes and things, but my voice is nowhere near what it was, because its not being used.My fingers don't work when i pick up my violin and as for acting...well i only ever really did that once, in a school musical..nothing big and sure everyone liked it then, but it probably wasn't even all that great. It doesn't seem like that long ago to me..but it was 5 and a half years ago...and it was only once.

People in my film class talk about auditioning for plays and musicals sometimes and i've thought about trying out too...if i had the free time.Then i remember that they're the same people who are taking theatre studies..the same people who act and sing and dance and went to classes as kids and have kept it up..they're good.And theres no point in thinking about it anyway because i don't have the free time.

I know its shallow,but i want so badly to be good at something again.To be recognised, no matter how minutely, for something.To be able to sing or write or anything. I know that i could be,that there is something that i'm supposed to do ,and enjoy and have a passion for, and it isn't what i'm doing right now.I don't want to be one of those people who says 'i used to do that....i used to be good' and who no-one believes.

Levi keeps me going,she's the thing that i've been good at, that makes me feel worth something,which is why it scares me so much when things aren't going well with us...like just lately when things weren't going too well...it felt like she couldn't be bothered....that she wasn't putting in any effort...and if i'm not being good at keeping her anymore then what's the point..in anything?

Things are getting better now, we've sorted stuff out...but i wish she'd go to the doctor about this tiredness thing..i want her to put effort into looking after herself too if i can't be there all the time to do it for her....

oh i dunno...i guess this is enough wallowing in pointless self pity for one night..i'm sure there will be more to come, unless i come up with a miracle cure...something that, along with everything else, restores my sex drive which has been pitifully low, if not non-exisistant since coming back from canada....

there's another thing i'm not good at anymore.

This sucks.