today has to have been one of the most unchristmassy christmases of my life.I feel as if i've done the whole day all wrong..

The last couple of weeks have'en felt like the run up to christmas at all, and i usually really like the run up..going out shopping, christmas music, wrapping presents, the tree ..the whole lot..

This year though it all came too soon. I didn't have any time to shop,i'd harldy wrapped the presents before they were opened again, we put the tree up with christmas music playing but even then it didn't register. Christmas eve at work is usuaslly a busy nightmare, but it feels like christmas eve...lots of people in a festive mood looking forward to the next day..but there wasn't the same mood last night..it was just another night at work where you happened to say 'have a good christmas' to peoepl as they left.

We made it to midnight mass on time, but even then it still didn't feel like christmas.

WE got home at about half past 1, i had a few presents still to wrap and put under the tree...then we had something to eat..since we hadn't had a chance to have dinner because of work....

Then we opened 1 present each, a christmas tradition..after midnight you can open one present...so i opened 1 even though i didn't really feel like doing it at all.

Today i got up at 12...just 10 minutes after my sisters...we usually get up a lot earlier than that.

We had a nice christmas breakfast of champagne and orange juice with some panetone (italian christmas cake) and started to open presents which everyone seemed to do reluctantly...i got some really nice stuff...but i already knew that i was getting a pair of trousers that i'd accidently seen in my mums room...and i knew i didn't really like them.so i wasn't much looking forward to that. I'd kinda guessed that we were all getting coats as well since i knew both sisters were getting them and i was really hoping i'd like mine a lot...and it is a nice coat...just kinda like the trousers..a sort of camel colour..and i'm not really into camel.I so didn't wan't to upset my mum by saying i didn't like it..it kinda seems to mean more than just not liking a jacket..it's like an indicator of how well she knws us or something...and this year i didn't like 2 of the presents...i mean that didn't annoy me too much...but it upset me that it might upset her.I went in with the coat on and said that i wasn't too sure about the colour she said it was too late to take it back..but if i didn't like it she would have it becuase she likes it and she'd give me the money for something else..but i could see she was a bit disappointed..and i really hate upsetting people...which made me almost cry, which in turn made her leave the room.I felt so so so bad.I still don't know what i'm going to do about it...i mean it's not hideous..it's pretty nice..it's just not really ..me.

Everyone seemed to like the presents i had gotten them which as good...i always like seeing other people open what i've bought them.

Another thing is that this year i kinda alreay knew..through one way or another..both unintentional, what my siters had bought me too...and i hate knowing what i've got, i really do..cos it's horrible to have to act surprised..just incase your 'fake surprised face' looks like a 'gee thanks i don't really like it' face.

Then of course there was Levi.She really wanted me to go see her today to get my present and give her her and i really wanted to go, just for a wee while even..but Christmas in my house is a big family day..no one has ever gone out to see someone else on christmas...i mean fair enough no one else (being my big sister) has ever been going out with anyone for almost 3 years before at christmas..but it's just not the done thing..the family all get together and spend the day together...and thats just how it's done. I felt so guilty all day about not seeing levi...and then so guilty all day for being distracted from really being with the family because i was thinking about how i was feeling guilty about not seeing her...it was horrible.

Even christmas dinner was eaten and over with a lot faster than usual..we usually all sit around for hours and hours..this year just over 2 hours and the table was cleared and tea being made already.

I dunno..it just didn't feel like christmas..and i hate that..because it only happens once a year and it's important that it should be done right..

and today just felt all muddled up and confused and bizarre.

On the bright side i gave and got some really nice stuff that had been thought about a lot....and i also get to extend christmas slightly by seeing levi tomorrow...i cant' wait to see if she likes what i got her...and of course what she got me!

anyway..happy boxing day people, i hope you all had a great christmas and if not..than at least it probably wasn't as bad as some ot the soap opera christmasses on tv....