unfair.that is my word for today.

I just found out that my free ISP shuts down tonight.great. That means no more free internet access which is practically all i use and can afford these days.It also means bye bye MSN and yahoo messenger buddies,bye bye being able to update on here regularly and bye bye talking to Levi.

Unfair,n'est pas?

This is practically the only way left that we have of keeping in touch,we're not allowed to see each other,we're not allowed to talk on the phone..nothing.and now this.

My parents said not to see her for 6 months..it's been almost 2 now and so far we've been able to pull it off because of uni,being able to meet in the middle of the day and things without having to explain anything to anyone.But now there's only a couple of exams left and then that's it for 3 ,almost 4 months.What the hell are we gonna do?I had my mum on the NTL site tonight,made her take down the right phone number..she seemed pretty interested but it'll probably be dad's choice ulimately..he should be for it cos of his online banking and things..then again he probably also suspects that i still talk to levi on here,so it could go either way.

I need her.I can't stop seeing her,especially not at summer..lazy days...it's s'posed to be a time of freedom when you get away with more than you would the rest of the year..when you want some time just to get away from things and there's no way that i want to do that with anyone else but her.

Of course we go back to uni in October and then the 6 months will be up..but that means missing out on a whole summer with her.It's not exactly ideal timing anyway is it? I mean would it not be better to sort things out over the summer,cos when i go back to uni the pressure will be back on..i'll be tied down again for another year and before i know it it'll be exam time again and things will be left hanging so that i won't fail...either that or they'll get to me and i will.I know i'm being selfish here but there isn't a best time to do this for my parents cos they work all year round,they'll take a 2 week holiday at summer and then that'll be them back to work for another year.so there's never a best time with them,but things do seem to be generally quieter over summer,with most people being on holiday aborad and things.

Hmmmmm.Things have to be sorted out and soon.

Levi has been talking to me about my getting a job for during the days over the summer holiday (I'll still be tied down to friday and saturday nights in my dad's restaurant)And i'm taking her up on the idea.So far it's been for something to do over summer,a new experience.But there's also that little voice there that's telling me that it's something to pass the time if things don't work out and i can't see her,something to take my mind off things.And also a way of earning money so that i can move out if it comes to that,or if i want to.

I was looking at adverts for flats or rooms today at uni..everythings so damn expensive,but then..i think it'd probably be worth it.

Levi doesn't need or want to move out of her house and i don't blame her at all for that.There's no need for her to move,her mum's ok with it and her dad will be too,she gets on fine with them and everything stays much more simple and much less expensive if she just stays put.Then there's that selfish part of me that thinks if i'm going to move out to be with her..surely she should too??But i know that that's wrong and selfish.

the exam today went ok btw.It was French speaking.I wasn't kept in for the whole 15 minutes only about 8 of them,the examiner seemed to understand everything i said and i understood all the questions and things.I'm taking the time factor as a good thing for the moment..it's a pity i only ever get an overall grade and won't find out what i got for the actual speaking part.oh well.

Anyway i'm off to spend my last couple of free hours online.

I hope Levi gets back from her night out with mel soon.It could be the last chance we get to chat on here for a while.

I'm gonna try and update this every so often from the uni library or whatever,but incase i don't see you for a while,au revoir mes amis. xxx