So today I've started in my new department. As it turns out there's really not that much for me to do as yet..which, coming from such a busy period in the last few weeks, is actually really annoying me! ..And so here I am.

Things with me and M have been funny over the past week. Like I'd said I'd kind of thought that maybe we really shouldn't talk this time round but, as seems to be the way of things, we've actually ended up talking more than ever. He's found something that he needs to ask me every day, we've talked for entire days on MSN while at work which never, ever hapenned before. On Thursday he said that he'd bought me a present and at first I didn't believe him but it turns out he's bought me a 1 hour massage voucher on Monday morning and then when he found out that I'd just been for a massage that afternoon he felt like a bit of an idiot. I asked him if it was a guilt/ pity present and he said that it was tinged with guilt but mostly to acnkowledge how little he'd done while we were together. I thought it was an odd thing to do- buy someone a present after splitting up- especially since he didn't buy me gifts while we were together. But I decided not to read too much in to in since we'd just had the whole get back together conversation and that hadn't worked out. Had it been the week before I would have thought that it was a definite sign of wanting me back..but this time round..? I couldn't figure out what it meant so I decided just to accept it and carry on.

He had Friday off work and had been texting me about his flat buying antics and everything. I called him at lunch time and we chatted about this and that for 15 minutes, again a rare occurrence. He told me how much he'd wanted to call me the night before, said that he really really missed me. I said of course he did, I'm amazing , it's only natural to miss me. I didn't know what else to do with it..

That night I went to Ells' for some knitting and chat and wine. I went home about half 11 and M had been sending a few texts, saying he was training himself to stay up late (he was always so tired when we were together that after midnight counted as being up late) By this point I was kind of getting a bit annoyed at how he was now doing absolutley every single thing that I had been asking him to do for a couple of months- taking time off work, relaxing, going out, staying up late, buying me stuff (not that I'd asked him to do that but it's appreciated!) I called him and we chatted for a bit about this and that again for almost an hour. Eventually I asked him what he was playing at- doing everything that I'd always wanted him to do. He apologised and said that he realised it must be really annoying. He said that having time off over the past week had made him re-evaluate his life and reprioritse things. He realised that he'd lost himself a bit over the course of the last year and had become boring and all about work. He realised that, like I'd been saying, he's young..we're young, we should have been having a laugh, going out, having fun and not taking things so seriously all the time and just focussing on work. He's trying to make new friends outside of work as he's realised that just hanging out with work mates was actually getting him down. He said that he's sorting himself out, getting his life in order..but that being apart from me for the last week had been really hard and at the same time really clarifying. He doesn't want to mess me around but all the stuff that he's doing right now- getting himself sorted out- he sees it as being for us in the long run. He hasn't been able to stop thinking about me for a second and wants to talk to me all the time. He just needs a bit of time but he knows now how he feels about me and that the longer he's away from me the deeper he realises those feelings are..that he's never felt like this before..he's never met anyone like me..And as he was saying this I could really appreciate what he was telling me..it was all really great to hear..but at the same time I was thinking where does this really leave me?..He wants me back..but not right now. He's fully expecting to beg me to come back to him..but not right now. But in the meantime he wants to talk to me all the time.and misses me. And and and. I told him that as much as I understood he had to realise that it's not just all about him..that I won't be around forever and that if he's going to get on with sorting himself out then I'll have to get on with my life too. And that maybe by the time he's figured himself out I won't be around anymore. He said that he knew it was a big risk and that he didn't expect me to be around for long but that he wants to get the old M back, the one that I started going out with, before anything happens because otherwise everything will just be the same. And the thing is that I can see the change in him already, I can feel it while we're talking�we're actually *talking* again, about things that aren't just work and it's great. We talked for an hour and still didn't want to hang up eventhough it was half 1 in the morning. He said that he could talk to me forever. That he missed just holding me. Just sitting with me. And of course..i miss all of that too. And he said that he'd been worried about getting back together just for the companionship and because it was comfortable and familiar but that he knows now that he doesn't just want someone. He wants me. He really wants me.

If only he could have said all this stuff a month ago.

At the same time I can feel myself building big walls..and I'm getting annoyed at him for doing all of this stuff because it makes me like him more and I still can't have him. He's showing me what a great guy he is but not letting me near him. It feels like we're having some kind of crazy long distance relationship from right around the corner from each other's flats. I know I shouldn't have but I asked him what he was up to last night in the hope that he might want to hang out..but he didn't ask and so we both just stayed in our own flats watching telly. I don't understand how he can say he misses me like crazy and yet doesn't want to hang out together... And at the same time I totally understand. Because if I'd gone round there maybe things would have happened and he's not ready for that yet.

When I asked him how much time was ' some time' he couldn�t give me an answer and I really didn't expect him to..but as I'm coming to realise today it's making me really frustrated. He text and called this morning just to ask me random stuff. And I'm just impatient for it to be one way or the other. Because of course he could be on his merry way to sorting himself out and realise that actually he's really happy on his own..and so there's no point in me waiting around for him. And I've told him that I won't wait around. That I'll just get on with my life. And so that is what I should to. And in the course of doing that if I come to realise that I'm actually happy on my own then I guess that's a good thing and it was never meant to be. There's still a part of me though that thinks he's put his cards on the table now and that if I'm just patient it will work out�and if I continue to build walls and switch myself off from him then I'm just cutting off my nose to spite my face. I want to stay open to him for when he's ready..but I don't know if I can.or if I should.

I guess that if and when he's ready I'll either feel it or I won't. And whichever way it goes it will be the right way for me. It's everything that comes between now and then. How do I act when I'm around him? Knowing how he feels about me. Or how he's said he feels about me. And how I could feel about him if he'd just let me in.

And how will I know when he's ready?

How will he know?