So yesterday i went to see the councillor.It wasn't counclling as such..just a consultation session..to see if it would be helpful.So i sat there for an hour and cried at this very nice woman who listened and asked questions...some of which i wasn't expecting..about when i was young..about times when i was a little girl..if i could remember feeling the same or differently about things or people at certain points in my life.. And she just sat and listened as i rambled on..probably trying to make sense of what i was saying...but she came up with a few things i think..some of which i've thought about before and some of which i haven't...a lot of stuff about choice...about having chosen or not chosen to do things...about having an element of choice or control over things in my life...and other things..which i don't really understand yet so i'm not going to write about them.

We agree that counselling would help...but i can't get another apointment for a month...which isn't great but at least i've made a start.

She also talked antidepressants..about it being an option. I have a doctors appointment on Friday morning.

I have this dissertation that isn't done..i wrote to my advisor to tell him a bit about whats been going on..not in detail but just to let him know that things arent all that great.

The councillor..lets call her Lois..said that the most important thing to hold onto right now is that now is a time to be close to people who care about me.i know i'm not making that easy for them..to be close to me..becasue a lot of the time i act or even feel as if i don't want them around..but i know that i do..and that they are keeping me sane.

Today i was looking for a tape to play to a couple of friends who were coming over to talk about our practial project for film class this year..i never found the tape but thought i had. I put it in the tape player and pressed play. It was a tape that i had recorded for Levi 2 years ago.I never gave it to her..i made it during the first sumer that we spent apart from each other on seperate family holidays.It never seemed very good because it was taped from cds and the radio..so i didn't give it to her..and then shortly after she got her cd burner so a crappy tape seemed silly...so i still have it.It was so weird to hear it...i fast forwarded it to see what songs were on it and eventually had to give up because it made me feel too sad.Then i went to a couple of shops to buy biscuits for the friends coming over and to see about a birthday present for someone else.I had to leave the shop because they were playing sad music and because i thought about how the last time i was in that shop was buying a birthday present for someone with levi.It was the last present that we bought together as a couple.I had to leave the shop because i was about to burst into tears..this is getting ridiculous.

I wish i could see the councillor earlier than the beginning of term. I wish i hadn't just read that antidepressants take 2-3 weeks to start working.

i wish everything was back to fucking normal and that i hadn't messed everything up so badly.And i wish that i didn't feel as if i was sometimes making this whole depression thing up as a excuse for just being lazy and making a mess of my relationship with levi...

I know it's not just an excuse..i know that i can't go more than a day without crying..i know that everything is a big mess...but sometimes i feel as if there is nothing here that i shouldn't be able to deal with. that maybe i'm trying to make what happened with me and Levi into something bigger than us just breaking up...trying to blame it on something other than the possibility that we just shouldn't have been a couple anymore...but i just can't deal with that...maybe we did/do need a break from each other...maybe we shouldn't be a couple anymore...i don't fucking know.whatever it is thats happened here..it's opened up a whole can of worms that's just been waiting to spill out everywhere for probably a lot longer than i know.

I'm just so bloody confused about everyhing..about how i'm feeling about what i want or don't want..i was hoping that things would be clearer now than they were 4 weeks ago..and in some ways they are so much clearer and in other so much more of a mess.It depends on the exact moment of time that im in..ask me something now and it might have changed in 20 minutes.

what a mess.