So i stupidly stumbled onto Levis journal today, for the 2nd time since i said i want going to read anymore... knowing that it would probably contain inforation about her date at the weekend.I had done so well up until last night.I was going to call her on saturday to see if she wanted to go to the frock-on gig that night which she'd been saying she wanted to go to...but then i thought i better not cos she's probably going to go to edinburgh..and besides wouldn't that be weird..if we went just the 2 of us? Going to a gig night that is promoting women in music and would probably be full of lesbians (this is a fact not just idle conjecture...most of the the colective members appear to be gay..film girl..who i used to talk about is one of the founding members.)That and the fact that the last couple of times we saw each other I was being a bit clingy and really really missing her.So i figured i better not mess up her plans for the weekend and besides what good would it do anyway?

Then late saturday night i was going to text her to make sure she got home ok..i kept wondering why this 28 year old guy did'nt come down to glasgow to see her instead of her going to edinburgh....But then i didn't know what time she would be back for or if she was maybe staying overnight (with a friend..or with the guy..not that i thought she would.)And if i did text and she was in the middle of something then that would be really bad too..so i finally fell asleep at about 3.

Than on sunday i did well too...i was on diaryland and didn't look to see if she'd updated..and i was going to text her so many times but didn't.Afterall what was i hoping to achieve..i didn't really want to know how the date had gone..i didn't know what i wanted..Then at about 1 in the morning i finally caved in and texted to make sure everything had gone ok..I was so annoyed with myself for doing it..i mean..what do i really want from her at all? I don't really want to hear about her love life..but that appears to be a pretty major busy part of her life right now, and i just dont feel that we can share that kind of stuff...And i have been missing her..We were in the library last week and we were having one of our too-tight-to-be-just-friends hugs and she ran her hand under the edge of my top and across my waist..and shit,it felt good.

But i was talking to her about this and she said i was just having a lapse..feeling lonely.Which might be true..maybe it's not her that i miss but just ..someone..If that is the case then god i wish i would stop thinking about her every minute of the day..i know that sounds horrible, and it is ..i feel horrible saying it,but it can't go on the way it is..It's not supposed to still be so confusing. It's been 4 months..inside which she has kissed 4 other people and gone on some dates..and here i am..just..still in the same place. And afraid to change it..I don't know what i'd do if the opportunity arose.wether i'd take it or not...but i do know that i'm scared of hurting her still...so far the issue of me perhaps being with someone else hasn't been a problem because i've avoided it..but i can't expect her to hang around in case i should perhaps one day decide that we should get back together..because as much as i miss her..i don't think i'm in a place to be able to promise that i would never hurt her...and thinking that you might hurt someone is not place to pick up a relationship...So, i can't presume to stop her from seeing other people...but at the same time i can't sit at home and think about it when she does..and then read her journal to try and prove to myself that it's not as bad as i might imagine it to be..skimming over it ,trying not to really read it..and all the time thinking that reading it somehow makes it all less real..and at more of a distance than if i had to hear the words come out of her mouth.In some way it made me happy to read that she had a good time..in another way the thing that made me sad wasn't just that she was on a date with this guy..but the fact that she was thinking about the ex-reader chick and... not me, i guess.Which is just so so stupid and makes no sense at all.

In some way...things seems different now.

What does it mean when we hug each other?What are we now?...

I have to go and pick my dad up from the airport..joy.