wow, so almost 3 weeks back and i haven't updated. I know I'm sorry.I've sat myself down to update so many times and just stared at this box...eventually giving up and leaving it blank.I dunno...there's just so much going on in my head right now and not that much going on in my actual life...well up until tomorrow when i get back into uni mode and start back on Thursday....but that's another thing entirely. Hmmm. Call it overstimulation from 3 months in Canada..but there's so many things that i think about all the time..that i want to be doing..that i could be doing right now..only i can't because they're so far away and it's over.

Ok so first thing when i came home i was ill. I got a throat infection during the last few days in Vancouver and it was a full blown fever when the time came for the flight home.I couldn't take advantage of the free alcohol no matter how much i wanted to ..it just wouldn't have been worth it.So for the first week i was home i didn't leave the house once. I couldn't tell people about my trip because i couldn't talk. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep because of jet lag and because Levi wasn't beside me. Worst of all i couldn't kiss my girl.

Try spending 3 fantastic months living on the other side of the world with someone you're madly in love with. Then coming back home and not having them around all the time. Not only that but even when they are around you can't so much as kiss them...hugs hurt and sex is definitely out of the question. Levi was great though, she came to visit me every day while i wasn't well. Infact we've seen each other almost everyday since we got back. It's still not enough though. I miss her.

Of course i'm back to trying to keep parents happy by not seeing 'too much' of her..but it's so difficult. So I had conversation with mum last week..or she had a conversation with me. I don't know whether some kinda open Canadian/ Americanism (from the trips to the states) has rubbed off on me but it all led to a very Dawson's Creek style talk where we discussed..well everything. How I think i am trying to keep her happy, how i feel she doesn't trust me, that she thinks i don't listen enough, that i'm not interested in family issues,that she can't talk to me, that i don't talk to her...that i feel like i'm being cut out of things, that i don't tell her a lot because i know that there's a lot she won't want to hear. Slowly it all died down from an argument to a discussion to her telling me that she's fed up of doing everything around the house, to a discussion about my little sister's history homework- to a kiss on the cheek and a goodnight....

I think it's one of the first times in a long time that we've both expressed all the feelings that we have about each subject at that particular point in time and come away feeling like we know each other a little better.There wasn't anything specific that was resolved by the talk but i'm not sure that that was the point this time.There were just a lot of things that we had drifted away from each other about. A lot of misunderstandings or assumptions that we'd made about the other person that pushed us that bit further away from each other. I hope this is progress.

Anyway so over the last couple of weeks I've really not done that much. I've seen Levi a lot but not enough. I get up late every day, hitting the snooze button on the alarm so many times that i eventually switch it off or bring the whole thing under the covers with me to stifle the sound so i can sleep through it.I tell myself that i'll tidy my room but doing that would involve putting all the stuff i brought home from Canada (tickets, leaflets, postcards.receipts, id cards...) into a box and under my bed. And i think i'm afraid that if i do that then it's all really over. It's gone. It already seems so far away, sometimes like it didn't really happen..and i don't just want to box it all up and put it away with the rest of the things that have come and gone and eventually become blurry memories.

I hate the way i remember things. I have a good memory.I can remember exact comedy sketches, words of songs, scripts,things people sad and did....but i remember in words , not pictures so much. Other people have these memories where the can think of something that happened and see it in their mind..sometimes really clearly...with me i see it for a second..somewhere far away and then its gone...i can remember it exactly as it was...but i can't see it.That's why i never throw anything away i s'pose..why i take so many photos..because i'm afraid that if i don't have something to remind me of how it actually looked then i'll not remember it the way it was. I'm not even clear on this one myself so it's not easy to explain. I mean i know i will never forget this summer, ever..i just don't want it to seem so far away.So gone.

Ah well i s'pose this is just post travelling blues. Compounded by going back to uni blues. Topped off by missing my girlfriend incredibly 24/7 blues.

I have a meeting with my advisor of studies tomorrow. To talk about the year ahead. Then it's back to uni on Thursday. I really don't want to go back. I'm not even sure which papers i'm taking in Film this year. And i know already that i'm not gonna like the English course. Normally i'd be worried about this. I'd go and read up on things. Check the course document. Check that my timetable all fits in.This year no matter how much i read stuff it's still not going in....i read it then its gone. And i so don't want to go back.

Junior Honours year. Over half way to finishing (if i get that far) To Graduating and having a degree and having to do something with my life. When people ask me what course i'm doing i tell them Film&TV with English Lit. and that it's great and i get excited about the whole 'i'm studying film' thing. But as soon as the conversation's over..its' like..great. I'm not actually all that interested in this. I don't have any big ambitions to be a award winning director or.. well..anything. I don't have a massive collection of videos at home..i couldn't tell you who directed which film, i don't read film reviews that much..unless i'm going to see a film, never mind obsessively. I went up to a newish friend's house the other night and she's always saying that she's not a big film buff like everyone else on the course is and things..so we agree with each other about just being there to be doing something... In her room i found mass of videos from mainstream to cult hits. In my room i have about 4 videos..things which i've just taped off TV, nothing amazing..no 3-films-by-the-same-director collections or books about films..or..well anything.

I'm finding the whole thing vaguely depressing and un-inspiring and strangely pointless.

It's even worse because it's not like i hate the course.

I'm just so indifferent. And there is nothing that i actually want to do with my life. And i don't want to be that type of person.

God .. i'm sorry about this big jumble of words and feelings that have spilled out.Just shows that i should update more often in manageable chunks and maybe this wouldn't happen.

I think the point was that i miss Canada, i miss travelling and doing different things every day. I am glad to be home but torn because i miss Levi so so so much and i'm scared of forgetting things. My life seemingly has no direction and tomorrow sees me virtually starting another year on a course that i care about doing well in because it would be embarrassing not to. And i can't find any decent insightful way to finish this entry and that never happens.

Or maybe that's an insight in itself. who knows.