Exactly this time 18 months ago i was lying in my bed..my heart beating faster than i thought was humanly possible..not knowing whether to smile a huge HUGE smile or hate myself for possibly just making my best friend in the world hate me.

I'd just come home after the night that changed my entire life.I never thought it was actually possible for one night to be capable of doing that.It's something that happens in movies you know?

By this point i'd come home very late and been shouted at for that...then asked what i was doing that made me late and made some excuse..(first of many)..while inside my head i couldn't even hear what i was saying cos there was a voice busy repeating 'oh god oh god oh god' over and over again.

I went to bed shaking inside...a strange shiver running up my spine every time i thought about it.Closing my eyes and almost seeing it.Still being able to feel and it knowing how amazing and magical and god damn scary it had been.

There was no way i was getting to sleep..i lay down and switched the light off anyway because i share my room. And i needed the darkness to hold me.

i lay there with my mind racing..wondering what she was thinking...if she'd ever ever talk to me again..how long i should leave it before i said anything,if maybe we should forget all about it,if it had been a big mistake and now that i'd done it it would be out of my system and my head.

but then there was that other part of me that said...that was too good to have been a mistake...and she could have walked away..or not let you do what you did,or said something or been angry or shocked after...but maybe she was scared?...she 'felt' scared i think..as i held her and she buried herself into me..but i was scared too,so scared might not be a bad thing...but maybe she was scared in a bad way..scared of being there and scared of not being there,of what would happen to our friendship if she did leave...of what might happend if she stayed.

If she'd have left what the hell would i have done?..died on the spot?..or carried on like nothing had happened?

And why did that feel so good?..its wrong according to everything you've ever been told and taught..it's wrong to feel like this,about her,i must be kidding myself..i can't..and she...She can't feel like that about me anyway.

Maybe it was just an experiment for her?..maybe it was for you too?..but you can't pretend to yourself that you've not felt like this for so long.That you haven't wanted to do that for months,since she became close and you put up barriers around what you were feeling and tried to tell yourself it wasn't real.It wasn't really there.

She has a BOYFRIEND for god's sake.

So if it isn't real.And if you don't feel this way.And if she doesn't feel anything for you.Why then...

when you placed your hands on her face,felt her soft skin beneath your fingertips,and saw her eyes meet yours.why.when your fingers ran through her hair and your lips finally met hers...

Why didn't she run?

And why did you feel like you were breathing for the first time?

I should have known that night,to smile that huge smile.That kissing you was the best thing i ever ever did,that you're the best thing that would ever happen to me.

happy 18 months Levi.

I'm glad you didn't run.