i want to scream so badly, so i scream silently instead, inside as endless tears stream down my face and i can't breathe and everything just falls apart and there is nothing that i can do.my mind betrays me, there's a voice telling me, telling me again and again what to do and i can't make it go away. Every time someone is nice to me i hate myself more for feeling nothing so i try not to be in contact with people so that i don't do the wrong thing, so that i don't hurt them. Any time someone loves me i hate myself so much more, because i can't and i want to so badly..people are trying to help me all the time,family and friends and i reject their help, i sit and listen and silently reject it and feel guilt washing over me for not returning what they've given.I can't make decisions because the responsibility of everything is just too heavy, everything i touch goes wrong, everything i can ever remember has somehow been ruined in some way and its always all my fault. Even the one really good thing that I ever ever had, that was just mine and no one else's and i ruined it,i ruined it all. Even if i think i should make a decision because it would be for the best, i get this terrible fear that it's the wrong decision and i can't stand getting it wrong again so i don't do anything.

I'm sitting here in tears and my dad just walked past and didnt even notice. I've been trying so hard all day not to contact Levi because i need to do this by myself, I can't keep on making a mess of everything, upsetting her, feeling us getting further apart, feeling her hurting because of what i can't give her. It seems as if it's all a choice and i don't know if there is any way that i can make anyone see that everything i'm doing right now is not chosen, it is just happenning it's all just happenning and i don't have anything in me to give, there's nothing here anymore, i'm just completley blank and empty and when i'm with people i feel as if i'm completley alone and its so much worse when its people who i know that i gave so much of myself to, and now it's as if i'm gathering all those pieces back in because there is so little of me left that i need to hold on to them all at the same time so that i'm still here.

I've been trying not to come online all day so that i wouldn't talk to levi, because last night i told her that i'd somehow managed to convince myself the night before that we shouldn't see each other anymore.She asked me if i still thought that and i said i didn't know.The thought is still there though, but i don't think it's what i want..but...it's just like everything else...there are things that its as if i have to do otherwise something terrible will happen,it's as if theres 2 of me and one is just being so selfish and taking everything that ever mattered away from the other who is left devastated and feeling sick because the thing,the thing that is doing this is actuallly part of me and i feel constantly ill and i just want to run away, run far far away and be completely by myself and not hurt people anymore. Where i won't cry every two minutes, where i won't cry at any song that i hear, whether it's sad or not, where i won't feel sick at the thought of being with a girl and yet feel so so so so sick for feeling like that because the only thing that i want is to be with the one girl who has ever made the world mean anything at all. But i can't be, because of that part of me, that part of me that isn't there anymore..and i don't know if it ever will be there again and i want it to be so badly.I can't remember what it feels like to be happy, not really. And i know that saying that i want it back only makes her feel worse too, because as much as i say it, unless i can actually deliver then it doesn't really make any difference.

I came online and saw she was here and stared at her name.I said hello and told her that i shouldn't talk to her right now.she said fine and nothing else. I wish i could make her feel how i feel, just for a moment because i wouldn't want her to really feel like this ever, but just be able to show her and then maybe she'd understand, that its not her, but it's not really me either.

I am not me.I'm just something that looks like me and i don't even recognise myself anymore.And i know that she wants to help me, i know that they all want to help me, but the more that they do, the more i can't stand myself..and even then i feel so selfish saying that,because then it means that i'm pushing them all away so that i can feel better about myself. pushing them away so that they won't be nice to me, so that i won't feel so bad.

I feel so stuck and i don't see any way out.I don't want to be on my own, i dont like how lonely i am, how completley empty i feel without anyone, without her..but i don't see how else i can be, because like i said, there isn't anyone here anymore.

I can't do this anymore, i can't be like this anymore. I don't want to be here,i don't want to hurt, i don't want to hurt people, i don't want to hurt her.I'm not talking about killing myslef or anything,because that would be so selfish and would hurt so many people and make them feel like it was their fault.Besides i would never have the guts, its not something i could ever do.

But i really can't do this.I just can't.