Yesterday,yesterday was good.Me and my girl went out for pizza and then back to hers,it was amazing..we were lying holding each other tightly and i just couldn't get close enough to her,no matter how close she held me i wanted more...i wanted her to absorb me into her...and we were so together.. on the same wavelength.

Then i came home :(..we were talking on IM ..about the past and stuff...and i just fucked up like i never have before...i hurt her so badly with what i said..i can't describe the feeling of realising how stupid i'd been,of how wrong the things i said were..she's right when she says i didn't realise how hard it was for her to tell me..and i reacted in completley the worst way i could..it didn't feel like me talking...i knew what i was saying was so wrong but kept typing...and then after..after was the most horrible feeling....i cried for so long about how much i must've hurt her..i cried all night...i tried calling her but she didn't pick up..and i hated myself..i still hate myself for what i said,it was disgusting,i felt sick..i felt so sick,and i didn't sleep,i just kept going over it in my head..how stupid it was,because it didn't make any difference,it's in the past,it doesn't affect me..and it doesn't and i love her so much it hurts..i can't believe how utterly disgusting what i said was,and i hate myself so much for it.

This morning i felt so bad...i went to hang about on the road i know she walks back from one of her lectures on,i had a lecture but decided if she wasn't busy then i wouldn't go.If she wasn't busy i'd take the whole day off, just to hold her,if she'd let me.Just to hold her and let her know how sorry i am. I thought she'd hate me so much.I have never been so scared that she'd end things,end us.If she did that i'd really ..i don't know what i'd do,if she did that i wouldn't exist any longer.

Then i saw her..and she stopped and said she had a lab.to do but she'd see me later.And for some reason i said ok and walked off like i was in a bad mood.I don't know why i did that..maybe it's because i couldn't say anything without tears welling up in my eyes and choking me...i couldn't stand there in public and even try to say anything before apologising. and i couldn't aplologise in public not the way i wanted to..i didn't have the right to even attempt to have a normal conversation with someone i'd hurt so badly.So i walked away.And i went to my lectures where people looked at me funny cos i looked like i'd been up all night and didn't give a shit about how i looked..which funnily enough is exactly how i felt.

So..i went up to hers at lunch time..and she let me in..which was a good sign to start with..and then she was amazing,,just amazing..she let me hold her..i didn't know what she was thinking ,but she was letting me hold her,close,in silence..and she didn't seem angry,she didn't hate me like i thought she would..i don't know what i was thinking.In a way i wanted her to hate me,i wanted her to do something...but she didn't and it was like a second chance...I'm so lucky....it was strange how quickly we got back to almost where we were the night before..it felt weird,but it was so good.I love her so much.And i'm so sorry.So sorry.