2008-01-11 - 4:02 p.m.
Well it's now 2008 and I've realised that I've been keeping this diary in some stagnant form for about 7 years. It's good to read back and see how things have changed and how far i've come. Yes i'm still living at home with mum and dad at the moment and still sitting in the same place at the computer desk and sometimes it feels as if nothing has changed but reading back on things puts it all into perspective. Sometimes it makes me a bit sad that I can't write the way I used to, that I don't seem to have the passion that I had back then, when i was 17/18/19 and everything was new and exciting and urgent. If I were to write regularly now it would be about work and money and bills and the everyday instead of love and discovery and teenage angst. My old entries sometimes make me laugh though, and not just the funny ones. I read them and see how young I was, not that I'm ancient and all knowing now at 24 going on 25, but still it's bracing and comforting to look at myself then and see my shortcomings- some of which have been worked out and some of which I know i still have. The uncertainty about my own identity and the inability to make decisions for myself that I had when I was 17 is still very much present in the me of today- but now I recognise it for what it is and I know that it's a part of me that is constantly being worked on. I'm in less of a hurry to pin myself down now though: things will come together and fall into place in their own sweet time and somehow that fluidity makes everything more stable.
I've had a few experiences this year which have been pushed firmly to the back of my memory and make me cringe with embarrasment and disappointment at my own behaviour. Eventhough i made the same initial mistake in each situation the most recent one made me stop and reevaluate and I think that I understand myself so much better because of them. Things which doubtlessly would have caused hours of agonising self analysis back when I used to write have now been put down to experience and learning and are being left as just that. Yes, I'm aware that it may come across as a form of denial but have come to the conclusion that it's much healthier to put it them in a box marked 'oops' and move on than to let them float about the room inflating themselves into huge baloons marked 'you idiot'.
I still feel guilty about a lot of things far more than I should, but I'm working on that as well and hoping that with time it will lower itself to an acceptable level- where giving someone the wrong directions in the street is not and the equivalent of having run them over in the car
New experiences of a different kind are on the way this year as well, in a few weeks I should be able to move into my flat- my own place where everything is mine- and the responsibility is mine too! A lot of it is scary stuff, wondering where my next contract will come from- if there will be a next contract and how I'll pay the mortgage if there isn't! But I'm so looking forward to it as well- being able to have people round, eating what i want, learning how to cook properly. I know that i'm probably going to find being on my own hard for a while but I'm hoping that even that will ulitmately be a positive experience- learning how to just be with myself is something that I know i need to do in order to be good at being with other people.
Much more to say but i need to go- work in the restaurant with mum and dad.....like i said, somethings never change.