I should be studying right now.I really really should.I'm in the library and everything..just got here in fact...butI've missed this,I've missed writing in here,and I've missed reading everyone,so first thing i do when i get here is not open the books and study,but come straight on here..get the priorities right you know?

Anyway so if you've been readingLevi at all you'll know how things have been going lately and i feel that i should at least attempt to make some small response.

Her latest entry was about her sending me those texts...last night...i think it was past 1 am,I 'd just got my cd player working again and was playing a cd she made for me when my phone lit up my room..telling me that she was thinking about me and had seen me in the car on my way back from work....mmmmm..i missed her...

then a whole backlog of texts started to arrive ...she wanted me to come on line and talk to her..she missed me..why the wasn't i coming on line?...she'd bumped into the ex on the way home and would really like to talk to me about it...why the fuck wasn't i coming online?...fine then.she was fucking sorry for whatever she'd done..all she was asking for was 10 minutes...i could fuck right off..she didn't really want to talk to me anyway.

Jesus...so there i was in my bed reading through these texts which were arriving faster than i could read them getting more and more worried about her and more and more angry...both at her and myself..cos i couldn't go online..i'd just gone to bed and my parents were still up and would not be best pleased at all if i were to get back up and go on the computer.So i tried calling her..but she was of course still online...so i one rang her parents line and then tried again...and she picked up...i whispered down my mobile at her..trying not to wake my little sister up..hoping my parents wouldn't hear me talking in the dark in my room.I asked her what was wrong..she said nothing...i asked her what she wanted to talk about..she said nothing...i asked her what had happened with the ex...she said nothing..she was just trying to get me online.She missed me and she loved me.

Now see i hate it when things like that happend...cos i can understand where she's coming from ..i missed her too..there isn't a minute when i'm not thinking about her and how whatever i'm doing would be so much better if she were there...but then she does something like that...like last night she annoyed me so much by sending me those texts that got nastier and nastier.I was lying there so scared that something had happened again between her andthe ex ..maybe he'd confronted her about us..maybe he'd kissed her again...maybe..god i don't know..so much paranoia was going through my head...but it was triggered by that text.She knows that i've just got past the point where i flinch at the sound of his name..and she used that to try and get me online..she used my fear about him and her getting back together...and that's what got me so angry..so angry that it was all i could do to keep my voice to that whisper,there in the darkness.

And finally i got her to see that she was being silly...that i was in bed..i'd only just gotten her texts..i wasn't not going online because i didn't want to but because i couldn't.She said she was sorry.I said i was too.

God it's so hard to stay mad at her for any length of time at all.Sometimes i wish i could stay mad at her...just to let her see that annoying me doesn't work..it doens't get me closer to her the way she wants.But i can't..i never can..even with last night...as soon as i put the phone down i was mad at myself for having been angry with her..cos afterall i missed her too...and ..and... i dont know.

The thing is with stuff like that...she thinks i don't want to be with her,when the case is that i CAN'T be.And so then she gets angry because of all the can'ts.But i hate it just as much as she does.I want to be with her all the time too...i wasnt to go home to her at night and wake up to her in the morning,and call her just to say hi,and meet her for lunch and tell her how my day went and ask about hers and ...I want it all as much as she does.

And she is the most important person in my life.The thing is that what she said about wanting to know where i'm going and when i'll be back and being the one to set the rules...what she doens't understand is that she's more important to me because she doesn't try to control me..i'm with her because iwant to be not because i have to be...

It's starting to feel sometimes as if it's a competition betwen her and my mother..to see who can hold on to me the longest..who can influence me more.and that's not what i want.I know she isn't doing it on purpose,and i know she does it becuase she loves me and wants me to be happy and close to her....but then ask my mum why she's doing what she's doing and it'll be the exact same reasons.

God...i didn't realise i was thinking any of that until i typed it and read it over...

And i will sort things out with my mum and dad..but it won't happen over night..and just cos i talk to them doens't mean that we're going to suddenly have everything the way we want it...

maybe the reason i get so angry at her is because what she says and does reflects how i feel...i'm just too damn practical to do anything about it.

So much for a short entry...damn i have an exam tomorrow.I should go.