Firstly i want to say that a few people have commented that the space i write in is too dark,i've replied to a few of them personally but i'll say it here to everyone.I know that the black template is too dark and i've been meaning to do something about it for a while (or get Levi to do something about it anyway,she's the one with the html skills here!!)When i first started writing here the black reflected my mood.As much good as there was in my life with Levi everything else was still in darkness.Now however things are looking up and i'm hoping that i've grown out of the black stage... so I will be changing my layout when i get round to it but unfortunatley that won't be till i finish work and get my isp for home sorted out...I'll start working on it in a couple of weeks.

I also want to tell Levi right now that i love her.I talked to her on the phone for over 2 hours last night,into the small hours of the morning.It tore me apart not being able to be there for her,listening to her cry.She had a bad day yesterday,i think things just got on top of her and she had time to think,about everything that's going on...her work,her parents,her house...i felt so useless on this end of the phone.I should have been there,i should have been there to hold you,kiss your tears away,let you fall asleep in my arms.I'm sorry i wasn't there.I love you.

Ok,so my reflection on the other night goes something like this.When i came home there was a missed call from Levi on my phone,so i called her back,on her mobile and told her about T straight away but assured her that nothing had happened.She asked me why i sounded guilty if there was nothing to be guilty about and i've been thinking about that.The fact is that in some small way i almost did let something happen,and,looking back on it as cheesy as what he said was, i actually liked it at the time.I liked him telling me i was beautiful,i liked that he really did want to kiss me,eventhough that does make him a sleaze cos afterall he does have a girlfriend.And for that small amount of time at the beginning i liked that he took my hand in his,and i let him.I let him think that i liked him back and that maybe i wanted to kiss him too.And maybe i did for a minute,want to i mean.

And i've been thinking about why that was.

Guys don't do that kind of thing with me.They don't come onto me like that.They whistle in the street,they sometimes try to grab me in clubs,but not one that has actually been 'nice' has ever tried that kind of thing with me.Levi says it's because i intimidate them..i don't know if i believe that but anyway.I have been out with guys and it's always turned into more of a friendship than a relationship...and the fact that this was a man,not a young boy like the last guy i went out with was even more flattering.So then why didn't i?

The thing is that when i turned round to look at him,there was a man's face looking back,and it was a man's hand on my leg with a man's voice teling me those things.And that's not what i want

It's the first test of my 'new' sexuality that i've had aswell.And also the first test of my realtionship with Levi...i mean in a temptation kind of way (beacuse heaven knows we've had tests in the form of parents,friends,society etc..) I think i passed the test,which makes me feel..well..good.Because there really wasn't any competiton..eventhough i was quite frankly VERY drunk,there was still no competiton,it shows me how secure i am in my love for Levi,and how secure I've become in myself about what i want out of life.If i'd been in the same situation even this time last year,i would maybe have let him kiss me and see what happened,because maybe it would have been easier and better for everyone all round if i gave guys another go,it would have pleased my mother anyway.

But this year,this year i'm so in love that nothing could change that..the opportunity was there and i didn't take it.

The fact is that he wasn't Levi.

And no one and nothing less will do.