This might be a bit of a long read guys...so get yourself a cup of tea,coffee,hot cocoa with cream and marsmallows..or a large bottle of vodka...

So last night(Friday) was the Office night out...i was looking forward to it actually,even though mostly everyone is older than me it still seemed like it was going to be a good laugh.We were going for drinks at a local bar then getting taxis to go bowling.

At about 5pm the 10 of us from our branch of the office disappeared,everyone went off to get changed and emerged in much more casual clothes and also with a much more casual attitude...considering they're all 'adults' as well there was a quite a bit of excitement and hilarity around.

So we went down to the bar, my colleague L bought the first round...started off the night with a half pint of cider as others were drinking it too and i happen to quite like it,however not in large quantites as Levi will be able to tell you..then the boss arrived-J-she also insited on buying a round and as we had just been talking about beer i went for a Miller this time,which seemed to be the preffered brand at our table.I really have to be in the mood for drinking beer of lager and i happend to be in the mood on Friday night,which is just as well really....

We made our way to the bowling alley,which actually houses bowling,loads of pool tables,a huge bar and a somewhat cheesy disco dancefloor with a bad DJ..but anyway.When we arrived we were greeted with 2 HUGE pitchers of beer and 2 bottles of champagne..I didn't taste the Chapmagne but R assured me that it tasted like 'toilet water that a dog has pissed in'...so i though i'd stay clear of that!..We started bowling in our 2 teams,I was in team 1 along with R,L,T and A..team 2 consisted of J,another L,S,V and yet another L (it's a good thing that none of the L's play a particularly large part in this story!)

Our team started off well but as the pitchers of beer were rapidly drained our game plan went out of the window..i lost entirely,like as in actually came last out of 10 people...ah well,my excuses are that i was the youngest and i also have a hand injury (which is actually true,i'm getting refererred to the clinic about it and everything)

I don't know how many glasses of beer i'd had by the end of the 2 games...safe to say more than 2 anyway..probably more than 3..moving swiftly on..

We headed to the bar after the games had finished and everyone was getting on really well,especally me and R...she is hysterical,seriously.I mean this woman is funny and loud when she's sober ..she'd probably had more to drink than me by this stage so you can imagine what she was like,or maybe not..you would have had to be ther i think!

So we all put some money into the kitty...and the drinks kept coming until the money ran out...firstly i was bought a Bacardi Breezer,becuase R was the only one not drinking beer and she felt left out..then i think i might have had another Miller and then there was some kind of mix up and i ended up with a Stella Artois from the next round...anyway...yes by this point i was fairly drunk (i should maybe mention here that at lunch time on Friday I met the boy and we get lunch and a drink..it was almost cheaper to have a double than a single..so add a double vodka and coke onto my total,eventhough it had been a while since lunch by now) so i was fairly drunk but i'd been eating in between times and was even surprising myself at how well i was holding the alcohol.I was,at all points,completely aware of what i was saying and doing,and i was sober enough to know that R was well gone...i could still join in the jokes with the others about how much she'd regret it in the morning and how much of a fool she was making of herself...so i wasn't that bad at least!

Anyway,after a really good laugh and fantastic conversation and a pretty good night all round some people starting heading home..so i did too. T,one of the only 2 guys who were there lives just round the corner from me,so we decide to get a taxi back together..it made sense economically,,especially since he'd been guarding the kitty all night and there wasn't enough to get everyone another drink but enough to pay for half of our taxi home!

We were walking to get a taxi and i could feel that something wasn't quite right.I would turn round and he'd be looking at me...which was fine...looking at me with a bit of a smile...i know what that smile means....i've seen it between other people,but never towards me,not from a guy (or a girl apart from my Levi of course)

So,we got into a black cab and told the driver where we were heading..it's about a 15 minute ride.We were sitting there,me in my typical slouch posture,comfortable,hands just on the chair beside me,relaxed.

I felt his hand in mine. He was sitting in much the same way as me not really that close but close enough.He slid his fingers into mine,and i don't mean to drag this out but this is the speed it seemed to be going at at the time (and I've told Levi most of this already so don't worry about it guys ok?)

For a minute it was fine,it almost felt good,i hadn't turned to look at the hands that were holding and then i looked down and saw my hand,my own hand in this large manly grip.He squeezed my hand.

It was wrong.It was all very wrong. I turned to look at him.His face was so close to mine he lifted his other hand to my cheek and as he did so i lifted mine

..he said'what what's wrong?".. i looked at him for a second,and I moved his hand away,at the same time releasing my other hand from his. He looked at me and i said 'don't you have a girlfriend?'...he suddenly jumped like he'd had an electric shock...moved away,folded his arms ' God,yeah..yes i do...I am SO sorry..jesus,I'm so stupid...god....you're right..i'm...' he was kinda mumbling now....and then 'I'm so sorry....'

I said ''look it's ok..really,nothing happened"

He looked straight ahead and said 'i really want to though'

'i know'...that was me...i don't know why i said that,but i did..it just came out of my mouth,even though i didn't know,i didn't want to kiss him..it just seemed like the right thing to say....let him think you like him back,even just a little...you've established with yourself that you're not going to let anything happen,so it's ok now,everything's fine.

We didn't talk for a minute,we were getting near home. I was looking down at my hands.He moved his hand onto my leg at the same time he kissed my hair and breathed me in like no one else apart from Levi has ever done before. It felt so so strange,to have a guy want me in that way...i've never been in that situation before,i've never let myself be,because i'm not interested am i so what's the point? But to hear a man ( this isn't even a young boy,he's 26) say he wanted to kiss me ,to have him so close.It was surreal (and i have been out with guys before ,even if i've only ever kissed one, but hey we all know my reason for that right?!)

I put my hand on top of his and moved it from my leg and moved my head away from what now seemed to be beneath his.

We drew up to our stop,he paid the driver and we got out of the taxi.

We walked a couple of steps to the corner where we both would be going opposite directions. It's the same corner that me and Levi have shared so many goodnight kisses and before that hugs.It's only a few paces from where we had our first kiss and by this point i was back on track.

He reached for my hand again and i withdrew.I said 'look you have a girlfriend,i've seen you with her..and i'm seeing someone too...i have been for like a year and a half.' He said 'try 3 and a half' I said well i don't know about you,but i'm really really serious with them..to the point of getting engaged and things (adding in my head,well if i could get engaged...) you know?' he looked at me and then said 'yeah i mean ..god..i'm virtually engaged..as in to be married ...god..this is so wrong (a slight nervous laugh) this is so so wrong!'

I agreed..told him to go home...i wouldn't be in work till thursday anyway and after that i only have 5 days left working so forget about it,nothing happend,it's fine..go home.

He said yeah,yeah i should.i just...you are really really difficult to resist..god,you're beautiful..(at which point i had to laugh slightly..i mean c'mon,whats a dyke s'posed to do?! eventhough it was nice,as corny as it was,to be told that)

'go home T' i said

he agreed and as he turned round to leave and i did too he touched my shoulder and turned me round looking as if he was ready to move in again..but instead said,'you have to go right now don't you?' and i said yes and he said 'ok..i'm...i'm(closing his eyes and shaking his head) sorry' and turned and went home.

Right,I've had time to reflect on all of this today,but i think if you've made it way down here you've done really well and deserve a rest so if i can be bothered then that's a whole other entry..if you'd rather i shut up about it then just let me know!