Ok.Anyone looking for a nice uplifting read is going to have to read a lot of depressing stuff before they get to the happy ending ok?..don't say i didn't warn you.

For anyone who's been reading Levi lately you'll know that a lot has been going on.

Yes,we have been arguing,fighting even.A lot.Every second time we see each other,if not every time.

I get scared,when we argue...that it means something big.I know it doesn't a lot of the time, but i get scared,so then i get angry to compensate for it.. I shout.. to make myself seem stronger..so that i don't come across as frightened..but it never works and i end up crying and saying stupid things i don't mean while hoping that she doesn't mean what she's saying either.

We fight about stupid things.And about big things.Things that we've always argued about and now we've just been arguing about them for too long and it's about time they stopped or went away.But they haven't.Things like the way i'm too serious and she isn't serious ever..so we overcompensate for each other..things like me moaning about money,or her not letting me get home on time...the way she'll say irrelevant things in the middle of a serious discussion. I told her she'd changed the other day. And she has...i don't quite know how but she has...and that doesn't have to be a bad thing..i've probably changed too...and sometimes we're ok with each other...and then somtimes we're not.And it scares me.

She says i never ask her out... she's probably right... I do try though,i DO want to,and i try to get in first... but she always has something pre-planned so that when i do suggest something she says..'yeah that sounds good but i was thinking we could do (fill in the blank) instead' ..she makes plans and doesn't tell me about them...and so when i make a plan it doesn't matter cos her idea takes priority.When i ask her over to my house she hardly ever comes...because my dad might be here..because it's cold outside and she doesn't want to walk over...because of something else that has to be done at her house...or just because she doesn't like my house as much as hers. I do try...i wish i could do more,but when i already have to say no to a lot of the things she asks me to do because of work or uni or family, it's not easy.

When i say i can't do something it's taken as a reflection of whether i WANT to do it or not.What i want never comes into it though..if i say no it's not becasue i don't love her or don't want to spend the time with her,it's because i have something else that HAS to be done...almost all the spare time i have is spent with her,and i love that..but sometimes it's just not possible for me to be with her..beacause of a big essay that has to be written..or i have to go to work..or it's my dad's night off and it's the only time i get to see him in the week.

We had a massive argument just before we went up to Aviemore. We made up before we went away...but i don't know if either of us feel that it was really resolved..which is probably why we were still arguing after we came back..but not while we were away.It's as if maybe we put it off...for the sake of the time away..for our anniversary..because we were supposed to be celebrating. We had a good time while we were away (i'll write about it later..tomorrow maybe)But we came back and the problem was still here.

The night we came back we went out to a comedy club and had a few drinks and had a great night together...we went back to her's afterwards and things were amazing...like we used to be...and we were together and everything was right.

The next night we went out for the son's birthday.The first part of the night was great...then we went onto a gay club.. one which we don't like very much but it was his birthday and he was drunk and great and we were with friends,so we went.Things were fine for a while..and then i moved forward to kiss her..but she pulled away ...a little later i put my arm round her and she moved away again..whenever i tried to be close to her she would talk to someone else..or move...or do something that didn't let me near her..she did let me kiss her once...but it was a quick peck..not the kind of kiss you'd give to someone you love...in a place where you're allowed to kiss them..where there are people kissing everywhere.A woman walked past just after one of the times i leaned forward and Levi pulled away..told me that it didn't 'look like i was having much luck on the pull tonight'..another time a guy walked past...saying 'i'd give up on that one if i were you'.

It was horrible...here were perfect stragers thinking that i was trying to kiss some girl and not getting anywhere...that i should give up even..and the 'some girl' was my girlfriend of 2 years..love of my life.

i looked round and saw 2 girls beside us kissing..looking deep into one another's eyes..saying they loved each other...and i thought 'where has that gone?..why isn't that us?' Levi was standing infront of me and i pulled her close and hugged her..and everything felt right...there in her arms...but wrong at the same time..and for the first time it really felt like she didn't love me...and i was terrified..and realised how long we'd been arguing for...and wondered if maybe,she didn't love me anymore...and just didn't want to say it.I felt stupid for thinking it..but right there in the middle of all those people..having fun..dancing,drinking,laughing,kissing, being in love or just in lust..it felt like we had lost each other.

When i told her that she didn't understand..didn't think that she had been pulling away or acting cold all night. We talked on the way home...agreed that we wanted to fix things...said we loved each other and really meant it...

it hasn't stopped us arguing though..we argued again the other day..shouting at each other...blaming each other for things that aren't really the others fault..

after we'd stopped shouting we talked..and it felt like the first time we'd really talked about anything.

And maybe that's our problem.

Most of our serious communication..about our relationship..has been done in writing..on instant messenger,in emails..through our journals even.We never really talk things through..we just write them down and then the next time we see each other it's as if maybe they didn't happen..they just fade into the background..but it doesn't mean that they're not still there...and yeah i know i'm writing about all of this now..and it's not to bring it up again it's just to put it somwehere..where it can be remembered,in writing..how horrible the feeling of constantly arguing is.And because this time we HAVE talked about it....

And so we made each other talk.Explained how we felt,thought out the real problems..agreed to stop blaming each other for things..to be more understanding..like we used to be...hugged...kissed.Made up.agreed that this stops-here.

And i so hope it does.

Partly its also the stress..of exams ..of too much work..maybe even of trying to arrange Canada..although it's something we're both really looking forward to and can't wait for..it just takes up a lot of our time..looking for a place to live..somewhere to work.And even Canada scares me a little..because we'll see there what it's really like,when it's just the 2 of us.And i know it'll be great and that so many of the things we argue about won't be a problem any more,because we'll be together...and i won't have to say no to a lot of things like i do just now..and we'll be free to do the things that we want to do..and not what our families want.But it still scares me...that we'll argue.That maybe the problems won't go away.

That we won't be ok.

eventhough..i know that we will be ok.

We didn't argue last night.

We didn't argue today.

Hopefully we won't argue tomorrow.

I want her back.

I want us back

because i miss it.

and i miss being part of 'us'.

but most of all because i love her.

and we are so right together.

and we will be ok.