Levi wasnt well today.I arrived at her house and she crawled straight back into bed.She kept apologising,but i didn't mind at all.I mean,i DO NOT like seeing her unwell at all but it meant i got to do things for her..things that i would do if it were just the two of us in our own place.

I held her hand as she lay in bed..i made her a hot water bottle for her stomach..i made her toast..when she felt better i brought her the lunch that i'd bought earlier...when she felt completely better we lay on her bed and ate cake...

We talked about a lot of things..we talked about a lot of things last night too...i got off-line from talking to her on I.M and she called..it was about 20 to 1 in the morning so it was planned..like we used to do sometimes...we plan the time she'll call at exactly so that it only rings once at most before i pick it up.

I sat crouched just inside the kitchen door..with the phone on the floor and we whispered to each other for ages.Talking about everything..i can't even remember what now..but it was great..talking about her mum..my parents...being infatuated with people and how i know that this is not infatuation because i've been there and i know what it feels like...and this is not it.

She wanted me to describe infatuation to her so that she knew for definite what it felt like...i couldn't..i don't know how it feels anymore because it was a long time ago now..but i now that it's different from how i feel for her.

Ok I know you all want the dirt on who i was infatuated with..and yes it was a girl.An older girl.I didn't have many friends..she paid me a little attention,we went to school together...we had 2 of the leading roles in the school musical..we got to know each other fast..i was only 14...she was in her final year..she invited me to her 18th,which i couldn't go to.I thought about her a lot of the time..she worked in the supermarket near to my house..i would walk past sometimes to see if she was there...and yes i thought i liked her more than i probably should...but the thought of anything actually ever happening between the 2 of of us kinda repulsed me..i liked the feeling that liking her gave me...but i didn't actually like her.

Once she has left school we kept in touch.We wrote each other letters late at night..saying nothing in particular...she was kinda butch and a big flirt but i really don't think she was gay or anything.

I liked her..but when i thought about it seriously..like i had a tendency to do with everything because of my over mature 14 year old mind..i didn't want her to like me back.I just wanted to have someone to like.

That,i think,is infatuation...thinking about someone for the sake of yourself,not because there is actually anything about them that you really like,or find attractive...doing anything about it would ruin it...it's a distance thing...a one way thing..and that's what makes it good and kinda exciting..

...whereas..

with love...

with Levi..it had to be more...i needed to do something about it..i DO find her attractive,i DO love everything about her..i'm prepared to make the effort and i was prepared to take the risk..i love her because she's fantastic and amazing..and yeah that does make me feel good...but i love her because of HER..not because of what it can do for me..i want to make her happy too,i want to be with her and i want her to love me in return..which she does.And that is why i know that this is love and not infatuation like my mum might think it is.

It would have died by now.

I watched the video of that school musical the other day..it embarrassed me to see me and S(the girl) standing side by side at the finale...smiling and laughing to each other....

she put her arm around my waist as we walked off stage....maybe she did like me back...

but knowing that would have ruined it.