god...what a weekend.

Friday night was spent in the Polo after a short lived visit to revolver and a long argument with my mum.the boy and adamw came round to my house to get me and we went out.The son and Levi joined us later.It was a good night.

Normally that would be a pretty eventful night for me,but not in view of what happened on saturday night.

The boy was having a kinda eurovision song contest party thing.The texts i got from him included the word wine and songs...it sounded good,i was looking forward to it.A proper kind of student night thing,which i kinda miss out on since I'm still living at home and not in the halls.

So i went round for Levi with my bottle of wine and she got one from her parents and we headed up to the boy's flat,a little late.

We started drinking the first bottle of wine,rating the acts along with a couple of Ross's flat mates and adamw

It was good,listening to generally bad songs sung in foreign languages..giving them marks out of 10.By the time the songs had finshed so had one botle of wine (shared between me and Levi) and people were talking about getting pizza and chinese food..so me, Levi and adamw volunteered ourselves to go and get the food.

I should have realised on the way to the pizza place that I'd had just the right amount to drink.JUst the right amount to make me happy and horny and forget just enough of my problems.When we got the pizza and headed back to the flat i was starting to feel a bit... dizzy.I didn't eat my slice of Pizza..i gave it to moose instead.

The second bottle of wine was opened..there were more people in the flat.I gave the boy a back massage(this is just something i do btw it's not kinky or meant to be) then i did the same for T (a straight guy who's on my english lit.course) Adamw got the beginnings of a massage...but i gave up..he wasn't really that tense.

Me and Levi wondered around the flat a bit and we were in the boys room when something was mentioned about a homophobic male med. student being in the flat.Something was mentioned about us kissing infront of him..which we didn't do.

Things go pretty hazy about now.I couldn't see straight,i couldnt really walk right...i don't know what i was saying but something was mentioned about levi having groped the male homophobe..you know just to scare him.But it kinda set me off.I remember shouting something abut her wanting dick.I rememeber her trying to put her arm around me and tell me that it wasn't true but i wouldn't let her touch me.

I remember the boy taking me into the bathroom and telling me that it was probably a good idea to make myself sick..get some of the alcohol out of my system.So i did.He was so great and I am so sorry that he had to see me like that..that they all did.I have never been drunk like that before ever.

Levi,the boy and adamw walked me home and i was trying to sober up a bit before getting there,but it didn't really work.By the time i got to my house the boy asked if i thought i could make it to my room without having to talk to my parents.Someone mentioned something about the living room lights being on..which meant that they were stil up.

The boy walked me into my house.I told my mum i was sorry,through tears...and went to the bathroom leaving the boy to talk to my mum,which i am SO sorry about.He was great.

My mum was pretty good about it too..i tought she would have gone mad considering that my older sister has never done anything like this ever and she's 23 now.But she didn't...she made me drink water...laughed at me a lot..i was apologising..telling her i didn't think I'd make it to church at 12 the next day but that i'd go at night..and that i was sorry for being a disappointment.She asked what i meant..i said i was sorry for the state i was in..and for everything else..she asked if, by everything else,i meant for being in love with levi.

I can't remember much else.

She put me to bed on the couch in the front living room.

Oh i remember finding a swiss army knife in my pocket and not knowing where it came from.To which my mum said..oh dear.

Yesterday she woke me up at quarter past 12..i got up ..i think i was still kinda drunk..not good.I went to lunch..which i didn't eat very much of..my mum offered me wine and laughed at me again.

I have an unexplainable bruise on my arm..and i found another one today.

I found levi later on in the day and kinda got angry at her again about the guy broping thing..although i know she didn't mean anything by it and she was drunk aswell..but i think i was also just angry at myself cos i'd made such a fool of myself..and i don't do things like that..i usually just watch other people do it.

Anyway..last night they were going to a gay stand up comedy thing...i did ask my mum if i could go but she said she didn't think it was a good idea..i have to admit i kinda agreed.

Levi came back saying she'd had a good night..and she'd won some lesbian blind date thing.She wants me to go with her..the other woman is taking a friend too.

I got angry at her again..i don't even know why...it's not like she asked the woman out or anything..it was comedy..in the name of fun and things.But i got kinda jealous,again..just like with the thing at boy's flat.

I'm meeting her outside her lecture in 5 minutes,to 'talk'.I don't know what i'm going to say..or how i'm going to justify what i'm doing..i can't,not even to myself.

I think i'm just scared that she'll find someone with less baggage than me.That when she touches a guy..or sees one who's good looking that she'll remember how good it is to be with a guy,and how much easier it would be..or even a woman who doesn't have all the hassle that i come with.

Problem is,that instead of taking it out on myself,on the baggage and the hassle and the causes of them,i take it out on her.

Which is wrong.

I better go.