i realised today that i don't really have that many friends.I say realised but i mean i realised again.

Friends I have:Levi,the boy,the son. They are all great fantastic wonderful people. But then i think and try to widen the list and it just doesn't happen.Sure i have lots of people who are 'friends' who i talk to or eat lunch with or something..but i don't like to let people get close...i love meeting people,i..just don't like having to open up..maybe that's because i'm not comfortable about opening up yet.I think it probably is largely to do with the gay thing.Before my parents knew i didn't want to tell anyone because it didn't feel right..others knowing before them...and now..the way they've reacted..i don't want to tell them even more.

It's not even that i don't WANT to..cos i do..it's such a big part of my life...i mean it's not like i would introduce myself and say that i'm gay or whatever...it's just that when people are talking about who they go out with i'd like to join in.Or when i'm talking to guys i think they often think i like them as more than just frineds...but i don't it's just that i don't see them as able to be anything else..so i talk away and smile and laugh..just like a straight girl would with another girl.They're just a friend...but by not being able to talk about who i go out with,they never know that i'm not looking for anything more.So now instead of talking to them anyway..i just avoid it.

I avoid talking to new people because i don't want to get into the situation of either having to actually be open,or lie.So i just don't talk to them.

I haven't really met anyone new on any of my courses since i started uni...and that was kinda one of the things i was looking forward to..the meeting people.I want so much to be a part of one of those groups of laughing students who walk from lecture to lecture together,planning the next night out..slagging the lecturer..arranging to meet for lunch.I watch them,but i'm never part of them.Even if i do at one point or another have someone to walk to a lecture with..they always meet up with other friends when we get there and then the talking and laughing starts and i'm just not part of it..they would probably let me be a part...but i don't let myself.

I was at a big picnic that one of my 'friends' had organised today.I got there and realised there was a group of girls there who i used to go to school with and haven't seen since. I know that they have their suspicions about me being gay because they were some of the main agents of the gossip that has been spreading. None of them talked to me.They didn't say hello,maybe one of them said goodbye,but then again i was never really part of their group at school either and i didn't really care that they didn't speak to me..i didn't want to speak to them either.There were a couple of other girls there who i still go to uni with and am friends with..but they're not the kinda friend i could just call and arrange to go out with on our own.That's the kind of friend i don't have..someone just to call and talk to..just to meet up with or..whatever. Everyone else also has friends out side of that group as well...wheras i don't..and i know that it's my fault because i don't let people in.But maybe i just don't know how to anymore.

The only person that really knows me is Levi...she is my best friend and it's not like i'm saying she isn't enough..i don't need anyone else but her..but even she has other friends outside of the group,because she went to a different school...she has friends who i don't know...friends who she feels comfortable enough with to tell them about us and who are close enough to her not to care...and that's good that she has friends..it's not like i don't want her to!that's not what i meant.

Something happened the other night when I was out to see a film with Levi and P (a mutual female friend)..it was just meant as a joke but i think it struck a chord.Levi said we should go see another film next Monday,since they're free and things.I said..i dunno..i might be busy on Monday..and they both laughed..you know..at the thought that i might be busy.I know it was just a joke..but it's kinda a fact.I'm never busy...if i don't go out it's because i CAN'T or because i'm working..never because i'm busy..never because i have something else to do or someone else to see.

Maybe i need a hobby..but then again i don't want one.